Oh ye of little faith, never again doubt the power of prayer or the divinity of Chris Blackburn. Last week I told you all about the Morecambe right back and living incarnation of Jesus, and said I was off to pray for an away win.
And what happened?
I trust that, when Morecambe appear here next month, you will all take a moment to kneel down before Mr Blackburn, thank him for his intervention, sing hymns of praise and silently contemplate the mysteries of life, the universe and what a funny old game football is.
Actually, after last week's Biblical epic, I was moved (not by the Holy Spirit, you understand, just by the need to find something to write about this week), yes I was moved to explore further the influence religion has had on football in this country - with surprising results.
Did you know, for example, that no fewer than 14 current League clubs were founded by church groups, Sunday Schools or some other form of religious institution. Among them are Barnsley (or Barnsley St Peter's as founder the Rev. T. Preedy called them), Bolton, founded by Christ Church Sunday School, Everton (initially St Domingo Church Sunday School), Fulham, Manchester City and Swindon, who can trace their history back to the snappily named St Mark's Young Men's Friendly Society.
Of course, these and many other English clubs were founded in the age of the British Empire when the Church was one of the two great bastions of society, the other being cricket. Fittingly, then, two clubs - by chance the neighbouring teams of Birmingham City and Aston Villa - were founded by church cricket clubs. Villa were formed by the cricket team of Villa Cross Wesleyan Chapel, though in their very first game, against St Mary's rugby team, they played one half of football and one half of rugby. Mind you, they've been playing a confusing brand of football ever since. Their rivals Birmingham, meanwhile, comprising members of Trinity Church in Bordesley, were forced to play their first games on wasteland in the city. So no change there, either.
In fact, after the church, cricket is one of the single biggest originators of football clubs. Two - Derby County and Sheffield United - were actually formed by the local County Cricket Clubs, while others to arise from the summer game include Tottenham and, surprisingly, Cardiff and Wrexham, despite them coming from a land where rugby was king. Another ex-cricket club is Middlesborough, though for many years there was a widespread belief (this is absolutely true!) that the club had been formed by diners at a tripe supper. Given the fact that it took them 128 years to win anything, I suppose it's not hard to see how the story originated.
Meanwhile, according to the Sky Sports Football Yearbook, North End Cricket and Rugby Club in Preston "indulged in most sports before taking up football", while Nottingham Forest started life as a shinney club. No, I've no idea either. Some bizarre game involving hitting people's shins maybe?
There are also plenty of works teams around, of which the best known are probably Arsenal, their Gunners nickname coming from their origins at Woolwich Arsenal in, yes, Sarf London! (Incidentally, more of Arsenal later).
Coventry were formed by workers at the Singer Sewing Machine factory, Millwall by a group of mostly Scottish jam and marmalade workers, Wycombe by furniture makers and West 'Am by workers at the Thames Iron Works. Stoke and ManUre were once railway sides, while WBA were born in a factory making springs, rather appropriately given that they've been bouncing up and down the divisions ever since.
One Premiership club, Charlton, was actually founded by a group of teenage street urchins (again, true!), though nowadays, of course, their players are all millionaires. As opposed to Blackburn Rovers, who were originally rich Old Boys from a public school but who have become a team of urchins and ruffians.
At least two other teams, Plymouth Argyle and Torquay United, also have Public/Private School origins, while several sides were founded by teachers, including Northampton, Norwich, Southampton and Sunderland. The Mackems' original name, in fact, was The Sunderland and District Teachers Association FC, though on reflection I suppose they might simply have been the local whisky appreciation society.
Away from such formal origins, Leeds United were formed after the city's previous club, Leeds City, accumulated massive debts and stood accused of financial irregularities, fraud, financial wrongdoing and general mis-spending. Good thing that couldn't happen today, then.
But of all these origins, my favourite must be Doncaster Rovers. Rovers played their first match back in 1879, purely because a local worthy by the name of Albert Jenkins wanted to raise a side to take on, wait for it, the Yorkshire Institute for the Deaf. The ref must have had a hell of a time with his whistle in that game. Apparently the only record of the contest is the post-match interview with the Institute's manager, a Mr Arsenic Whinger, which went along the lines of "Why did your strikers repeatedly fail to stop when the ref kept blowing for offside?" "Er, we 'eard nothing".
But enough of this - back to Sunderland and teachers...
Situations Vacant
Special Needs Teacher, north-east of England
A Special Needs Teacher is required for a group of particularly difficult youngsters.
You will be working with a class of about 20-25 young males. Sadly, they have all had a traumatic time over the past year, suffering regular beatings and public humiliation, and have frequently been subject to taunts, especially from their better-off neighbours.
Based in a failing institution (according to the latest league tables), where low achievement and delusions of grandeur have been embedded in the culture for well over a century, their falling standards are soon expected to result in exclusion from their present establishment any day now. In addition, their end-of-term report is expected to be the worst on record, even by their own appalling standards.
As a result, they all have extremely low confidence and self esteem, not to mention shattered morale. Urgent remedial work is now desperately needed in order to save what's left.
Based in the north-east of England, you will also be required regularly to visit other failing centres such as Leicester, Derby and Wolverhampton. Possibly Crewe as well, but that might have to wait 12 months.
With a supply teacher currently in charge, it is hoped that a more permanent appointment can be made before the start of next term. The successful applicant will need experience of working with people of limited ability, including some with severe learning difficulties, and to a non-existent budget.
Interested? Apply now to:
Bob Murray
Chairman
Sunderland FC
The Knacker's Yard,
Somewhere oop North, way ay
'Sunderland - where they don't Mackem like they used to'
Line of the Week
From my good friend Mr Mark Johnson, heard on my car radio as I drove home from work listening to the U's v Grays game. Well, it made me chuckle:
"And Fola Onibuje's header was aimed at..." - pause - "actually, I've absolutely no idea who that was aimed at".
Yes, Mr 50 Pence Head strikes again.
And finally...
We end with what can only be seen as the most audacious attempt in history to bring peace to the Middle East. With their move to their new stadium - sponsored, you'll recall, by the national airline of the United Arab Emirates - imminent, the Gooners have now signed a two-year sponsorship deal promoting tourism to - yep, Israel.
Either this is a brilliant move that will bring lasting peace and make the United Nations redundant in one fell swoop, or it's one hell of a way to get one over on Spurs.
And on that bombshell, I'm off to lie low for a week.
Something bugging you? Anything you want to get off your chest? Well, give it a good scratch. Then write and tell us about it at cufcofftheball@aol.com
Neil Cole
If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find them here
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