Welcome to this week's Off the Ball, which is feeling all born again.

Well, it might be two weeks ago but I'm still feeling bemused by the recent National Game XI international at the Abbey. Without doubt it must rank as the most surreal experience in my entire football-watching career. Watching an England v Italy international at the Abbey whilst surrounded by Stevenage fans dissing Woking was strange enough, but when the match was refereed by REM's Michael Stipe and featured Jesus at right back for England, it entered, like Dad's Army's Corporal Jones, into the realms of fantasy.

To top it all, there was the sight of a Cambridge United played playing for England, on his home ground. Now that really was weird!

Like many fans, I was surprised to see the Son of God turning out in an England shirt (thus finally confirming the Victorian belief that God is, indeed, an Englishman), though I must admit, I was disappointed at his failure to run over and heal any England players that lay injured on the ground. That said, his goal was a bit of a miracle, and his half-time catering for the 5,000 fans (if only!) was truly remarkable, though a bit of a bummer of you don't like bread and fish.

There was also the shock revelation that Jesus is alive and well and living in Morecambe, where he's cleverly dropped the 't' and now calls himself Chris. This will come as a huge shock, as most people believed that it was, in fact, Elvis who was alive and well and living in Morecambe.

Chris Blackburn	Jesus Christ

It also made me think about the religious influence in football and, more particularly, what sort of Biblical XI we could turn out. So, having scoured the Holy Scriptures, here's what I reckon would be a pretty useful squad of prophets, apostles, sacred messengers and midfield dynamos:

And where better to start than with Cambridge United. We've actually made a very significant contribution in recent years. For a start, there are the Gospel writers MATTHEW Nolan, MARK Peters, LUKE Guttridge and JOHN Taylor (though there are, of course, those who believe that Shaggy actually is God).

Plus, of course, we have DANIEL Gleeson and DAVID Bridges (David's especially useful in the Cup, where he's always good for a giant-killing).

On top of that, there's recently departed Mark ANGEL and the somewhat longer-gone Marc JOSEPH (pictured).

(Incidentally, I did try to find a player called Mary to partner Joseph, but the closest I could find was a Mali defender who bears the splendid name of Mamary Traore. You can just imagine the fans' reaction whenever he messes up - "Mamary, you're a tit" (some of these jokes just write themselves, you know). The fact his surname is Traore is the icing on the cake.)

But back to the Bible. Joseph Desire-JOB brings a patient approach to the game, while former Barnet star SOLOMON Henry (or was it Henry Solomon? - I never was sure) adds a wise old head. Though not as old as Remi MOSES.

Always popular, especially at Christmas, are Hull youngster Scott WISEMAN and namesake Ricky at Canvey Island. It's a real shame they don't have a brother to make up the three wise men, but they could at least get together with the SHEPHERDs Paul (Leeds, Oldham, Scarborough and Leigh RMI), Dominic (Lewes) and George (Altrincham) to form a Nativity Five-a-Side team.

Sadly, I couldn't find any players called Nebuchudnezzar, Methuselah or Judas, and I really, really wanted to find someone called Jonah who played in Wales, but it wasn't to be. However, Grays had, until a few months ago, someone called Mervin ABRAHAM, ISAAC English spent several years kicking around in, ironically, Scotland, and Northampton, of course, have JOSHUA Low. Josh is particularly useful handy at free kicks; one blow of his trumpet and the opposition wall comes tumbling down. And let's not forget Mark LAZARUS, who was briefly on QPR's books back in the 1960s. We could do with him now as we attempt to come back from the dead.

As for somewhere to play at, where better than The Lamb (of God), Tamworth's ground. And as for a manager, well I suppose it will have to be The Special One himself, aka Jose God-Calls-me-God Mourinho. If only we could bring back the late Atletico Madrid owner JESUS Gil as chairman, they'd be unstoppable!

Life imitates art
I've said it before in this column, but it really is remarkable how Football Manager seems so closely to parallel real life - Chelsea winning the Premiership, Liverpool winning the European Cup, Cambridge United getting promoted... er, yeh, well, anyway...

It's now 2008 in my game and England have just been dumped out of Euro '08 after a dreadful performance in the group stages - and guess what? Yep, the manager's been sacked. One Sam Allardyce.

Football Association, you have been warned.

Line of the Week
Again these chants are a couple of weeks old and many of you will doubtless have heard them elsewhere, but I just had to give them one final outing for anyone who may have missed them. All through the England v Italy game, Chris Blackburn was getting endless cries of 'Jesus, Jesus', and must have been getting fed up with it, but even he had to laugh when his goal was greeted with cheers of

"Let's all read the Bible, let's all read the Bible, lalalala, lalalala" and

"If you all hate Judas clap your hands..."

Which just goes to prove once again, you can't beat the spontaneous wit of a football crowd!

And on that note, I'm off to pray for an away win. Well let's face it, we need divine intervention if we're going to get one.

Any other Biblical footballers? Send your suggestions to the usual address, cufcofftheball@aol.com

Neil Cole

If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find them here

Make Your Click Count For The U's - talk about it on the Message Board!

The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.

060302