Welcome to this Week's Off the Ball, which says benvenuto - siete supposti soltanto di saltare i portelli sanguinanti fuori*

Which may, or (more probably), may not mean - "You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"

Yes, it's an Anglo-Italian special this week, in honour of Wednesday's international here at the Abbey. Imagine that, international football at the good old shabby Abbey - who'd have thought it, eh?

So, to celebrate the rivalry between these two great nations, this week we explore some of the greatest clashes in the countries' histories, with points for the winner.

	Score
1934 Highbury England 3 Italy 2 Italy might have been the newly crowned world champions but they were no match for a powerful England side, who scored three goals in the first 12 minutes to put the match beyond the Italians' reach.	E 1v 0 It
1948 Turin Italy 0 England 4 The countries' first post-war match ended in a magnificent victory for England in Turin, thanks to goals from legendary trio Tom Finney, Stan Mortensen and Stanley Matthews. Oh, that's enough of this, let's have some proper contests...	E 2 v 0 It
Pasta v chips Hmm, tricky... pasta's healthy and full of the right sort of energy-inducing carbs, but chips...well, you don't get fish 'n' pasta at the seaside now, do you? A draw I think.	E 2.5 v 0.5 It
The Crooked Spire of Chesterfield v The Leaning Tower of Pisa Has to be Pisa. It's more beautiful, more famous, and, thanks to Ryanair, a lot cheaper to get to.	E 2.5 v 1.5 It
Giuseppe Marconi Italian by descent but wait, he achieved fame as an Englishman after surprisingly being allowed a free transfer by the Italians - what an own goal!	E 3.5 v 1.5 It
Ice cream v 99 Well, you can't have a 99 without ice cream, but what's a cornet without a flake? Now there's a philosophical question for you. Half a point each	E 4 v 2 It
Captain Bertorelli in 'Allo 'Allo v the British airmen No contest really. While the British airmen bumbled about saying 'Hello' in a plummy voice, Captain Bertorelli had the much funnier 'Beautiful laydee' and 'Whatta mistaka to maka!"	E 4 v 3 It
The Anglo-Italian Cup Played on and off between the 1960s and the mid-1990s, this was one of those strange, pre-season tournaments that never really caught on, a bit like the Watneys Cup. Anyway, any tournament that Notts County can win must be rubbish. No marks to anyone for this.	E 4 v 3 It
Popes Italy 207, England 1. Ok, we'll give them that one.	E 4 v 4 It
World War 2 Libya, 1940. A mere 30,000 British soldiers are up against a mighty army of 300,000 Italians, who also possess far superior quantities of weapons. Hopeless odds, and defeat seems inevitable. But the Italians' advantage dramatically slips away as they discover their tanks have been fitted with a new five-gear system, all of them reverse, and within two months they've been routed.	E 5 v 4 It
Williams v Ferrari Well, Williams dominated in the '80s but Ferrari have supplanted them in recent years. And Ferraris are a better colour.	E 5 v 5 It
Getting one over on America An Italian, Christopher Columbus, discovered it, but Britain colonised it. Hmm, another draw I think.	E 5.5 v 5.5 It
Boudicca v the Romans Ok, so the Romans won eventually, but boy did the first Iron Lady give them some gyp. What's more, Essex Girl Boudicca was also responsible for the destruction of Colchester, which has to be worth half a point of anyone's money. Besides which, what have the Romans done for us? The bloody road to Peterborough, that's what. Well they needn't have bothered.	E 6 v 6 It
Jeux Sans Frontieres I can hear Stuart Hall now... "It's Germany in the lead, plucky Britain are fighting gallantly for second place and the Italians are, surprise surprise, last... and here are the Italians now and they've hahahahahahahahahahahaahah, oh dear, they've hahahahahahahhehehehehehehehehe hohohohohohoh fallen over, heeheeheeheeheehohohohohohohohahahaha, they're ahahahahahahahahahaha ..." and so on, and so on. Yes, for sheer comic value on Saturday nights in the 1970s, nothing matched the eternally hapless Italians. Except the Belgians.	E 6 v 7 It
Richest clubs ManUre - value 171.5 million pounds AC Milan 147.2 million Chelski 143.7 million Juventus 142.3 million Anyway, 147.2 million lira is only about £7.50, so an easy England win.	E 7 v 7 It

So, it's 7-7 going into the decider, and perhaps the greatest clash ever between England and Italy.

Imagine the scene. It's Turin, 1969. England are world champions, but facing a hostile crowd in the heart of Italy. The Italian defence has been primed to withstand the expected onslaught from the English strike force, but nothing could have prepared them for what was to come.

Led by skipper Charlie Croker, under the expert management of boss Mr Bridger, England's tactics confuse the Italians completely. Somehow they break through a crowded midfield to get behind the Italians' defence and snatch an amazing victory. With a smash and grab raid even more audacious than when Michael Owen nicked the FA Cup from Arsenal a few years back, England steal an unlikely triumph, though admittedly their chances of progress in Europe were still left hanging very much in the balance...

So, will England perform another Italian Job on home turf this week, or will the Italians finally gain revenge? Will we really blow the bloody doors off, or will the wheels come off instead? Either way, here's to international football at the Abbey, and a very warm Ciao to both sides!

Who says keepers are mad?
You may recall that, last week, we looked at some of the strange ways goalkeepers have found to injure themselves. For reasons of space there was one goalkeeping injury that we had to omit, but it deserves a mention as a) it was almost certainly unique in the history of football, and b) it happened right here at our own beloved Abbey. Can there ever have been another occasion when one goalkeeper was injured by the opposing keeper, and yet wasn't even touched by him? It could only happen to Lionel Perez.

For the record, it was our final home game of the 2001/02 season, and Lionel's last-ever appearance for us.
Tranmere were the opposition, and, with just minutes remaining, Cambridge were awarded a penalty (for younger readers, a penalty is when there's a foul in the penalty area and you get to kick the ball at goal from a mythical place called the penalty spot. Obviously it hasn't happened to Cambridge for years, but we used to miss them quite often once upon a time).

Anyway, cometh the hour, cometh the man.

To cries of 'Lionel, Lionel' from the Abbey faithful, the mullet-haired custodian (at last, I've been waiting ages to use that phrase) walked the entire length of the pitch, intent on crowning his United career with a goal. Instead of which, he did even better.

The penalty was, like every other United spotkick that season, inevitably missed, but in making the save the Tranmere keeper Joe Murphy injured his hand so badly that he was too injured to carry on and had to be substituted! Way to go Lionel!

And that's it for this week. My thanks to Andrea for digging out Andrew Bennett's old match report, and to fellow columnist Sean Tyler for his inventive interpretation of Anglo-Italian sporting rivalry! We'll be back next week - until then, arriverderci!

Any other great England v Italy moments? Know how to translate 'blow the bloody doors off' properly? If so, get in touch with us at cufcofftheball@aol.com

Neil Cole

If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find them here

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The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.

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