Welcome to this Week's Off the Ball, which has been having strange dreams.
It's true. I was enjoying a nice relaxed meal in a restaurant with someone who may or may not have been Gaby Roslin, when who should I find sitting at the next table but Nigel Clough!
Naturally we fell into conversation, and he confided in me about his shock plans to quit Burton Albion in order to take over Burton's other clubs in the Conference North and South divisions. He then revealed, and this is an OTB exclusive, that his father Brian is planning an amazing comeback into football management, with offers from three clubs, including Millwall.
Unfortunately I woke up at this point, and suddenly realised that this, of course, is utterly impossible. Burton hasn't got more than one team.
I think in future I'll avoid plates of mushrooms on toast before I go to bed.
Fly me to the moon
The goings-on with the Cloughs is not the only scoop we have for you this week - we can also exclusively reveal the results of Roman Abramovich's inquiry into how to improve the atmosphere at Chelsea's home games. It seems that the report will recommend that Roman uses his billions to enable Chelsea to relocate on the Moon. Apparently it's got more atmosphere than Stamford Bridge, and the playing surface is a lot smoother too.
Injury time
Anyone else watch the Chelsea v Everton replay? Well, another predictable home win, but what a glorious performance from one Everton player. How he did not win the Man of the Match award is beyond me. So we're going to make up for this oversight and honour him ourselves; step - or rather, limp - forward... Richard Wright.
Yes, the Everton goalkeeper, only playing because Nigel Martyn was crocked, managed to get himself ruled out as well by injuring himself in the pre-match warm up. And how did the brilliant Mr Wright achieve this? By practising in a goal and crashing into a big red sign, strategically placed in the goal itself, that said in big letters 'Do not practice in this goal'. Excellent.
In honour, therefore, of this particular Dick, OTB this week announces our favourite goalkeeping injuries of all time:
1 Alex Stepney
We know goalies are prone to mouthing off a bit, but ManUre legend Stepney once took this to its logical conclusion when he dislocated his jaw by shouting at his defenders.
2 David Seaman (1)
The former Arsenal and England No. 1 once missed half an entire season after doing his knee in - bending down to pick up his TV remote control.
3 Michael Stensgaard
Michael was a Liverpool goalkeeper back in the mid-'90s who managed to end his Anfield career by dislocating a shoulder. He achieved this not on the field of play, but at home whilst trying to catch an ironing board as it fell out of a cupboard.
4 Chic Brodie
You could say that Mr Brodie was dogged by bad luck. Playing for Brentford against Colchester back in the early 1970s, Chic raced out of his goal to collect the ball, only to have a small dog fly at him instead. The terrier so startled the keeper that he crashed to the ground and shattered his kneecap. Well, the dog certainly got that bone...
5 Mark Statham
Our hero Mark played for Stalybridge Celtic, but missed a game in 1999 after getting his head trapped in a car door. Don't ask how, please.
6 Santiago Canizares
Canizares, of Valencia and Spain, missed the 2002 World Cup Finals after dropping a bottle of aftershave on his foot. He was too injured to play, but at least his feet didn't pong.
7 Dave Beasant
In a similar incident, Big Dave once famously crocked himself after dropping a bottle of salad cream and sticking out his foot to stop it hitting the floor. Well, serves the cheapskate right for buying salad cream instead of mayonnaise.
8 David Seaman (2)
The hapless Mr Pringle look-a-like managed to put his shoulder out while trying to catch a 26lb carp. Sounds a bit fishy if you ask me...
9 Volkan Demiral
Volkan was the keeper for Fenerbahce in their 2004 clash with arch-rivals Galatasaray. After Fenerbahce's 2-1 triumph, the excellent Volkan gave a demonstration of Turkish delight when he ran over to his team's fans, threw his shirt at them and, in doing so, slipped over and dislocated his shoulder.
10 Andrew Baird
Not an injury as such, but well worth a mention. Back in 1894, Andrew was playing for Queen's Park against Rangers. Having nothing better to do, Andrew started fiddling with the net, with the unfortunate result that he got his hand stuck in it. Unfortunately for him, Rangers took the opportunity to attack and, needless to say, scored whilst Andrew was still trying to free himself.
11 Kasey Keller
Removing a golf bag from the boot of his car, the American keeper managed to knock his two front teeth out.
12 Ray Clemence
During England's first match of the 1980 European Championships, against Belgium, trouble broke out in the section of the crowd behind the England goal. The police stepped in with tear gas to quell the trouble. Unfortunately, the ever-efficient Carabinieri forgot that the wind was blowing in the opposite direction, with the result that Ray had to be carted off, overcome by the effects of the gas.
Question Time
For some years now, a couple of mates and myself have been competing against each other every day for supremacy in the Guardian's online football quiz. There are ten questions daily, with multiple choice answers. It's all good fun, even if the Grauniad frequently forgets to upload a new set of questions from the previous day's, or even manages to give the wrong answers.
There is one drawback though. The actual questions. They are all random, and believe me, some of them couldn't get any more random if they tried. So much so that, usually, there isn't an anorak on earth, not even John Motson in his warmest, sheepiest sheepskin coat, who could truthfully claim to know all the answers. This does, then, make the quiz not so much a test of footie knowledge as a complete lottery in which wild guesses are as likely to produce a winner as an hour's deep thought.
For example, here are some absolutely genuine Guardian quiz questions:
" Who scored the last penalty at the 1994 World Cup?
" Which team has the most corners this season?
" What is Peter Schmeichel's middle name?
" Which African country's team is known as The Squirrels?
" Who was Mark Bosnich's Best Man?
" Which Man United legend had bad eyesight?
Ok, anyone get all six? Nope, thought not. So, in the spirit of complete randomness, this week OTB produces its own Grauniad Football Quiz. Good luck, you'll need it.
1 Just how exactly did Sunderland get into the Premiership?
2 What is it with Frank Lampard taking his shirt off after every game?
3 How many roads must a man walk down before Cambridge get a penalty at home?
4 Which record will Michael Owen break first:
Most goals scored for England?
Most really terrible career moves in a single career?
5 Just where were all the Chelsea fans before Roman Abramovich arrived?
6 Which king was on the throne when Dario Gradi first became boss at Crewe?
7 What on earth was that patch of white gunk on Shaun Wright-Phillips' head in the
Chelsea v Everton game?
8 What possessed Barry Fry to think that football management would be a
suitable career choice?
9 How much was Harry Kewell dared to get that haircut?
10 Why is it that, when you're watching football on TV, the goals are always scored
when you've just a) nipped out to go to the loo b) gone to get a drink c) turned away for half a nanosecond to tell your other half to shut up because you're trying to watch the football?
Anyway, that's it from me for this week - I'm off to the bookies to get some money on the second coming of Clough (maybe he really is Brian the Messiah?). See you next week, when we'll be eagerly anticipating the England v Italy clash at the Abbey.
Got any favourite sporting injuries or trivia questions? Send them in to the usual address, cufcofftheball@aol.com
Neil Cole
If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find them here
Make Your Click Count For The U's - talk about it on the Message Board!
The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.
060209
