So there's no Cambridge United game this Saturday... what to do? Go round B&Q? Visit the in-laws? Not great options, granted, so if you've got BBC3, why not switch continents and watch the African Cup of Nations instead? Here's how you can fill your weekend:
Feel sorry for the tongue-tied commentators. They've got some tasty names to get their mouths around, but as a squad, they don't come much tougher than hosts Egypt, whose 22 contains six 'Mohameds', three players with the surname 'El Sayed' and that well-known, four-man tongue twister: Hassan Mostafa, Ahmed Hassan, Hossam Hassan and Ahmed Hossam.
Reminisce as 'Gladiators' returns. Who remembers 'Wolf', 'Hawk' and 'Hunter'? Well, Angola are giving them a chance of a comeback. No other squad on Earth could have rival keepers called 'Goliath' and 'Angel', a defender by the name of 'Loco' and a forward called 'Love'. Yep, just 'Love'. All we need now is some lycra catsuits and a couple of pugelsticks. "Contenders ready? Angola ready?"
Marvel at the most worldly-wise squads in the game. Cameroon's players, for example, play their club football in England, France, Germany, Switzerland, Spain, Portugal, Greece, Turkey, Serbia and Montenegro, Russia and Qatar. The Ivory Coast only has one squad member who plays outside Europe, and he plies his trade in Tunisia, while the Ghanaians can boast a presence all over Europe, as well as Russia, Israel, Saudi Arabia, South Africa, Nigeria and their own league. There are also guys here who play in Ukraine, Brazil, China and all points in between... it's truly a world stage.
Let your imagination run riot with players' names. OK, so we know all about Samuel Eto'o, Didier Drogba and Mido, but what about the less-well-known on show? They include the canine-sounding Gilles Yapi Yapo (Ivory Coast); big girlies Gladys Bokese (DR Congo) and Avril Phadi (South Africa); the presence (presents?) of Zimbabwe's Gift Muzadzi; his compatriot Energy Murambadoro (surely a utility company?); Joetex Frimpong of Ghana, who sounds more like a bathroom cleaning fluid than a person; and his countryman Prince Tagoe, who could just as easily be an express photo lab (think about it...).
Spot the best club represented. How our national game would be improved if our players represented teams called Hearts of Oak (Ghana), Daring Club Motema Pembe (DR Congo), Kaizer Chiefs and Umtata Bush Bucks (both South Africa), Green Buffaloes (Zambia), AmaZulu (Zimbabwe) or the funniest of them all, West Bromwich Albion... oh, OK, we've got them already. But maybe the best is Zimbabwean outfit Buymore. What a great name! Maybe Portsmouth should use them as a feeder club?
Find the one player from England's League Two. Give up? Step forward Paul Kamudimba of Grimsby Town and the Democratic Republic of Congo. Maybe Claude Le Roy spotted him when Cambridge United were a League Two club last year? At least the pathetic attendances everyone but Egypt has been getting will make him feel at home...
Decipher what the hell's going on with John Obi Mikel. Whaddya mean, who's he? How was the first tourist flight to the moon? The plot so far: at the centre of a three-way tug-of-war between Lyn Oslo (lovely girl), Man Utd and Chelsea (another lovely girl) lies the 18-year-old Nigerian prodigy, who signed for the Norwegian club. Just seconds later, Man Utd piled in with an offer. His agent thought it was a great deal so Mikel signed for them. Then Chelsea threw a new deal on the table, via a different agent, and he signed that too (still with me?). Now he's dead keen to sign for Chelsea and says he was coerced into agreeing to join ManUre in the first place, who deny it and in turn want Chelsea punished for stealing their man. Both sides claim to have legit contracts. Meanwhile, JO's played twice for Nigeria in the Cup of Nations, going from goalscoring hero to no-scoring zero - it's obviously messing with his head, poor lamb. What a mess! The only winners will be the lawyers.
Guess Claude Le Roy's stress levels. The Congolese football camp has already provided us with more drama than the rest of the BBC3 schedule put together. First his players threaten to boycott their opening game unless a pay dispute is sorted out, which requires a phone call from Joseph Kibala, the president. (Can you imagine Tony Blair phoning up Sven and saying "I'll make sure Becks doesn't go short, now tell him to get out there and play"?)
The 'pressure' of playing without such financial assurances was the excuse for going down to 10 men in their next two games, neither of which they won, but DRC somehow qualified for the last eight on goal difference. Claude is now playing more mind games than Derren Brown, saying that Egypt are expected to win their quarter-final, and their 75,000 fans will think it's the end of the world if they don't. Quality stuff.
Sean Tyler
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