Off The Ball
Following our fat footballers feature, the media have been full of just one story. Well, two if you include the whale in London. Oh and Sven's latest indiscretions... all right, three stories. And shenanigans in the LibDems. Ok, ok, among the stories the media have been banging on about this week, this one is hot; this is the one people are talking about on the terraces and down the pub. It's a story that goes to the heart of the game in this country, with massive implications for those found guilty. Yes, I'm talking about buns in football.
Mike Newell may have told the press he'll name names, but today OTB actually does it, with shocking results - and we dare anyone to prove we're wrong. So here goes; yes, OTB says...
Mark Viduka has taken buns. Wayne Rooney is a serial bun-taker (as opposed to a cereal bun, which frankly is just muesli in a roll and tastes awful, believe me I've tried it). Big Sam Allardyce has been caught red-handed with a rock cake. And, hard as it is to say this, even our own, our very own Rob Newman has clearly been seen tackling the odd teacake or two.
And to those who say this is isolated, and doesn't go on in the Premiership, we can prove it goes to the very top of the game. For there is one club with so much power, so much money, so much dominance that they think they can flout the laws of the land with impudence and get away with it. But now they've gone too far, for not only have they been involved in buns, they've even had the arrogance to give their name to one - the now-infamous Chelsea Bun. Did they really think they could get away with it?
Clearly, buns are rife in football. We can only hope that the FA will now take this seriously, and rid the game of the terrible scourge.
Give us a W, give us an A, give us an N, give us a oh maybe not...
Our recent article on strange ground names brought in a number of further suggestions. Several of you mentioned Rochdale's curiously monikered Spotland, while Gordon McMillan asks, quite rightly, how I could possibly have forgotten Lancaster's splendidly named The Giant Axe? Sorry Gordon, I didn't mean to give it the chop.
The Giant Axe
Moving swiftly on, some of you looked farther afield. Ian Allen reckons Sturm Graz's Arnold Schwarzenegger stadium takes some beating. However, I gather all is not sweetness and light between Graz and Arnie, and the club may be about to disassociate themselves from the Californian Governor. Personally I can't wait for them to drop the name, if only to hear an annoyed Arnie respond by calling Graz a "bunch of girlie men".
John Dunning, meanwhile, nominates a wonderfully named stadium in neighbouring Switzerland - the Wankdorf Stadium, which by happy coincidence is home to a club called, what else, Young Boys. (I have to admit, the name also reminds me of playing Top Trumps as a kid, when everyone wanted the card featuring a car with a Wankel Rotary Engine...)
And back to food...
John also suggested the home of Argentina's Boca Juniors (what do they call the junior side?), La Bombonera, which translates as "The Chocolate Box". Throwing himself into the task, John suggests the stadium should stage a match between Boca Juniors and Everton, which would involve The Chocolate Box hosting a bunch of toffees. He even suggests inviting Brian Eclair and Mars Bohinen along to play.
Now, that's the sort of pun I can't resist, so here's my top-ten of confectionery footballers:
Mars Bohinen
Brian Eclair
Dwight Yorkie
Hernan Toffee-Crispo
Robbie Flake
Roy Essandoahnut
Graham Twix
Barry Fry-up
Dave Kitkatson
Tony Dorito
Not to mention, of course, the European Champions themselves, Grease.
Two Evertons, there's only two Evertons...
Incidentally, the idea of Everton playing Boca Juniors isn't as daft as it sounds. As a leading Argentinian side, Boca often play against other South American teams. And Everton are, of course, one of the top sides in Chile! In fact, quite a few overseas clubs have the same names as British counterparts. For example, Everton's arch-rivals Liverpool have a namesake in Uruguay, and elsewhere there's Rangers (Andorra), Hibernian (Malta), Newcastle United (Australia), Arsenal (Argentina) and Celtic (South Africa).
However, one place where you're not likely to find British names is Scandinavia. In fact, you won't find many names at all, at least not in the sense we're familiar with. According to my SkySports Football Yearbook, of the top ten sides in the Faeroe Islands (what, you mean they have more than ten sides?!), eight rejoice in these, er, names:
HB, B36, B68, NSI, KI, EB, GI, VB.
What do they play for, the Pencil Lead Classification Premiership? The Hallmark Cards Price Code Championship?
It's not much better across the North Atlantic in Iceland, where the title is contested by clubs including KR, FH, IA, IBV, KA, MFI, MI5, U.N.C.L.E., S.W.A.T. and QPR. Actually, that last one's just stupid, I made that one up, sorry.
However, for great names you can't beat the nations currently battling it out in the African Cup of Nations. I mean, Where else could you see the Sparrows play the Squirrels, or the Zebras take on the Elephants? (Though I suppose their last rugby union tour did see the lions get mauled by the kiwis!). In most cases the teams take their names from animals, but there are some exceptions. Egypt, for example, has adopted the magnificent name of The Pharaohs, while their women's team is known, equally splendidly, as The Cleopatras. Mauritius have the excellent nickname Club M, which suggests that 8pm curfews don't feature too heavily in their disciplinary code of conduct, while Tunisia are known as The Eagles of Carthage.
Many of you will have heard South Africa's nickname Bafana Bafana (The Boys) but how many of you knew that their Under 19 squad are known as Amaglug-glug? (Oddly enough the Arsenal side of the 1980s had a similar name...). Neighbouring Lesotho's team is called the Crocodiles, while the women's team goes by the modest sobriquet of Beautiful Flowers (as opposed to the distinctly unbeautiful Tim Flowers, presumably).
All of which makes me wonder what sort of nicknames we should give to our own Home Nations. Obviously they should be names that stir the emotions, make the players sound like true warriors, and chip away at their opponents' confidence. Or they could be plain silly, I don't mind.
You can send in your suggestions and comments to cufcofftheball@aol.com, or to the club itself if written on the back of a ten quid note. Till then, see you next week.
Neil Cole
If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find them here
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The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.
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