Welcome to this week's Off the Ball, which is still recovering from the sight of Homer Simpson rolling around in a nappy saying "Baby done boom-boom".
Far-flung fans
Well, I set something going last week when I referred to a U's fan who'd e-mailed OTB from Barcelona as our furthest-flung reader to date. Barely had Andrea posted the article than e-mails came flying in from around the world!
Doug Hill wrote from Cape Town in South Africa, a city where you'll see more English football shirts than you will in London! Apparently there are several U's fans exiled down there in the Cape (tough life, isn't it?).
I also heard from Jim'n'Sheila McMillan, who are flying the old amber and black in Florida, though whether the exploits of Cambridge United will suffice to convert the locals from American football remains to be seen.
However, without doubt our most distant readers (so far!) are Wayne Bynon and Andy Marsh.
Wayne lives in Melbourne (that's Melbourne in Australia, not the one just down the A10), which is pretty far flung. You'll be hearing more from Wayne in a couple of weeks, as, following last week's item on grounds, he's submitted some stadiums that he really doesn't like very much (including one that I guarantee no other U's fan will choose!).
Meanwhile, Andy contacted OTB from the other side of Australia, in Perth, where, amazingly, he lives in an area called Cambridge! Even more remarkably, if you travel up Cambridge Street you'll come to the next district which is called, wait for it, Wembley (as a mate of Andy's told him, it's the only time you'll hear the names Cambridge and Wembley mentioned in the same breath!).
Since going to Oz two years ago, Andy has continued to follow the U's fortunes by watching the match updates on the BBC website, sitting agog as the screen updates every two minutes and shouting "YEEEEEEEAS" when a message such as 'goal, Turner, 12 minutes' appears. It's almost like being at the Abbey, he says (though possibly marginally more exciting).
As well as his tales of sporting life Down Under, Andy has very kindly sent in a photo of his wife and two friends at the inaugural meeting of the Western Australia Cambridge United Fan Club! Well, actually, it was a fancy-dress party at the local school where his wife turned up in full Cambridge kit and roped in two bemused friends. Bearing in mind the fact they live in Cambridge, Perth, the kit managed to provoke the comment "Funny, I didn't know we had a soccer team".
Anyway, it's great to know the CUFC website is keeping U's fans in touch with the club even when they're 10,000 miles away. And I think I'm on slightly safer ground than last week when I say that Andy and Wayne are among OTB's most distant readers. Though I do seem to recall that British astronaut Michael Foales is from Cambridge. So if you're up there on the International Space Station, Michael, drop us a line...
Twerp of the week 1
Q How can you tell when Newcastle Chairman Freddie Shepherd is spouting nonsense?
A His lips move.
(I'd love it, just love it if Yeading beat Newcastle next month.)
Twerp of the week 2
I just don't believe Chelsea fans. Five points clear in the Premiership, cruising through to the knockout stage of the European Cup, into the Carling Cup semi-finals, more money than the Bank of England and STILL they complain. Every week some chump from west London rings up 6-0-6 to moan about something.
The latest berk in blue was some twit who reckoned Jose Mourinho is getting his team selections wrong, especially regarding Tiago. Well, if he is getting it all wrong, it's a touch difficult to see exactly how it's hurting them.
Of course some people are only happy when they're moaning, but Chelski fans are just taking the mickey. I mean, if you can't enjoy life when you're in their position, when can you? Maybe they should drive up the M11 and swap places with us - at least U's fans have got some genuine reasons to moan!
Or better still, why don't they do us a favour and just shut up.
Sports Personality of the Year
While I'm going off on one, it's that time of year again when the BBC canvasses votes for the their Sports Personality of the Year award. Nor surprisingly, after his high profile throughout 2004, Wayne Rooney is among the leading contenders (bet Paula Radcliffe isn't though!).
I sincerely hope, however, that he doesn't win. True, his amazing performances at Euro 2004 saw him emerge as a genuinely exciting, world-class player. But the BBC award is for Sports Personality and, frankly, there's a lot about his personality that I find distinctly unattractive.
Like, for example, his childish petulance when being substituted against Spain last month, and the disgusting treatment he gave to the black armband worn in memory of Emlyn Hughes and Keith Weller. It's since emerged that Steve McLaren insisted Rooney apologise for his actions, but the increasingly arrogant and self-important England players resisted this and no apology from Rooney was forthcoming.
I know people say he's only a kid, but the fact is he's an adult. At 19 he's old enough to vote, to die for his country, to get married, to consort with grannies in brothels, and old enough to bank a reported £600,000 a month. That makes him old enough to take responsibility for his actions. And if you doubt me, compare Rooney to the even younger boxer Amir Khan, who's every bit as talented in his own field and is also a total credit to sport in every way.
So no, I hope Wayne Rooney is not voted Sports Personality of the Year. I hope instead that it goes to someone like Amir, or to Kelly Holmes or Matthew Pinsent, both of whom have earned it more, through their actual achievements and the fact that they've shown you can reach the top without being obnoxious and contemptuous of others.
Grounds of Appeal
Right, enough moaning, it's like Stamford Bridge in here. We've had a fantastic response to our request for grounds that you either like or dislike, so much so that we'll be featuring your choices over two weeks. Next week it's grounds you like, and then the following week we'll dish the dirt on the scrapheaps you'd like to see bulldozed (no clues, but if you live in Colchester there may be some prime land on the market soon). So, if you haven't yet submitted your choices, get them to me by next Saturday at the e-mail address below.
CUFC job losses
Sadly, a number of Cambridge United staff have been made redundant this week, due to the club's financial plight. I don't want to go in to the rights and wrongs of this difficult issue, but I'm sure I speak for every OTB reader in offering our very best wishes to those (and their families) who've lost their jobs, and we wish you all good luck in finding new employment.
You can e-mail us your comments, thoughts and suggestions at cufcofftheball@aol.com
Neil Cole
If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find them here
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