Welcome to this week's Off the Ball, which thinks we could all do with something to cheer us up a bit.
Sing us a song...2
Last week you'll recall that we explored the world of the football chant, and I promised some chants all about Cambridge United. Well, not being one to let you down, here we go. In fact, here we go, here we go, here we go (sorry, couldn't resist that!).
One chant that we haven't heard at the Abbey for far too long is the adaptation of the Pet Shop Boys' hit Go West:
"Two nil, to the Camb-er-ridge,
Two-nil, to the Camb-er-ridge..."
Unfortunately our chances of promotion have taken the song a bit too literally, and really have gone west. As a result, we're in a bit of a predicament, but fortunately there are several chants to help lift the gloom and bring some cheer to the Abbey. For example, with Christmas fast approaching, we'll soon be able to sing that old favourite:
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way
Oh what fun it is to see
Cambridge win away"
Assuming we actually win an away match, of course. Oh, look at that pig flying over the Abbey.
With Remembrance Sunday just gone, it's worth recalling a wartime hit that has become a popular chant in dismal circumstances:
"We'll win again
Don't know where, don't know when
But I know we'll win again some sunny day"
Thanks a lot Vera, that's really comforting. It might have helped us stand firm against Hitler and the satanic forces of Nazism in the dark days of WW2, but it's not going to help us win promotion from Division 3 now, is it?
A particularly cruel chant was the one that was sung towards the end of our last season in Division 2 a couple of years ago, when we had to play that other team from Cambridgeshire (no, I don't mean Histon). Bottom of the table and clearly doomed, we had to listen while their fans taunted us with:
"You're going down like a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine, a yellow submarine..."
What made it particularly galling was:
a) it was true
b) it was flaming Pish fans who were singing it, and
c) we had to admit it was actually quite witty, so much so that the Habbin and NRE actually joined in.
(Incidentally, in case you're wondering, Pish isn't a typo for Posh - it's a Scottish word that, basically, means sh*te, so a happy coincidence really.)
However, of all the chants to be heard at the Abbey over the years, perhaps none has ever had quite the same effect as one a couple of seasons ago - a chant which was all the more remarkable for being an entirely solo effort.
Now, I know this story is true, because, as Max Boyce used to say, I was there. It was on a Saturday afternoon the season before last, and I was no more than a dozen yards or so from whoever was responsible for it. The match was a particularly uneventful one, and as the ball went harmlessly out of play for a throw-in, a lone voice cried out "Yell-ows".
Of course, normally when a chant starts, it's instantly taken up by at least 500 people, often far more. But not on this occasion.
So the voice cried out a second time: "Yell-ows".
Now at this point you'd expect all those around him to join in and help him out. But not on this occasion.
A third, plaintiff cry rang out: "Yell-ows".
Now, having failed three times to get the crowd going, and attracting nothing more than titters, any normal fan would feel a bit of a charlie and just give it up as a bad job. But not on this occasion.
"Yell-ows, yell-ows, yell-ows" our brave hero cried out, undeterred. After a full 30 seconds of this (a very long time for a solo chant, just try it) most of the stand was breaking out into hearty laughter. As the cry went on, the laughter increased until everyone was at it.
Eventually, after about a minute, everyone calmed down and peace was restored.
Only for the silence to be broken by a single voice, singing its haunting refrain: "Yell-ows, yell-ows, yellllllllllllllll-ows".
At which point the entire stand, and even two of the players who'd wandered miles away from the game purely to see what was going on, collapsed in hysterics.
I don't know who that lone fan was, but Sir, whoever you are, Off the Ball salutes you - you are a true hero of the Abbey. And if you happen to be reading this, please step forward and contact OTB so we can give you the recognition you deserve!
Up for t'cup 1
With the first round last weekend, the FA Cup is now in full stride once more, but still the feeling persists that it's not quite the tournament it once was. Recent years have seen declining attendances, less than full strength sides being fielded (and not always by Premiership clubs), and ManUre even being allowed not to play, so it's no wonder some people feel the old lady has been a bit devalued.
Now OTB disagrees, and thinks it's still a wonderful, unique event. So here's our solution to restore its former glory - give the winners direct entry into the Champions League. After all, why should a team finishing fourth qualify (for that matter, why should teams finishing second or third qualify for the Champions League)? You don't get a medal for finishing fourth in the Olympics. You don't get to spray everyone with champagne if you finish fourth in a grand prix. So why get riches beyond our wildest dreams for finishing as also-rans in the Premiership? If the European Cup is going to be opened up (and it does seem the format is here to stay) then scrap fourth-placed qualification and give the place to the FA Cup winners - at least they will actually have won something.
Up for t'cup 2
All the old talk of a merger between Cambridge United and Cambridge City suddenly seems more attractive. After all, at least we'd still be in the Cup.
But back to the league...
It's not yet December, but already this has been an historic season. We have, of course, witnessed a side breaking the record for the longest unbeaten league run in English history, having gone unbeaten throughout the whole of last season. It's a truly remarkable achievement. Yes, after what seemed an eternity, those pesky Londoners finally did it. Step forward... AFC Wimbledon.
Yes, a 1-1 draw against Bromley in the Rymans League Division 1 on Saturday saw the real Dons stretch their unbeaten league run to 76 games, an all-time English record in senior football. There's now every chance that in, say, three years time, AFC Wimbledon could come up into the Football League, replacing the Milton Keynes mercenaries who are on an inexorable slide down. I'd love it, just love it...
Line of the week
Back to old chums Radio 5 for this week's line from Alan Green:
"David Beckham's announced that he's going to retire from international football after the 2006 World Cup. I'm really surprised at that. I thought he'd retired from international football after the Greece game three years ago."
And finally...
Good luck Wrexham - there but for the grace of God go ourselves. Let's all hope you come through.
And on that note, I'm off to see the U's gain promotion and beat ManUre in the third round of the Cup. Thank Heavens for Football Manager...
Neil Cole
If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find them here
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