Welcome to this week's Off the Ball, which has just about dried off after Friday night's pain in the rain.
Caked, rattles and goals
We recently asked you what footballing blasts from the past you'd like to see return. Judging from the responses, it seems there's rather a lot you'd welcome back with open arms!
Regular reader Martinandjane wants old boots brought back; not, literally, smelly, knackered used ones, but boots that actually protect the foot "rather than looking all silver and poncy". Couldn't have put it better myself. And I must admit, you never used to hear of metatarsals, second, fifth or otherwise, getting broken years ago.
Camshirley asks for a return to the days before under-soil heating systems, to restore the ploughed mudbaths that passed for pitches until the 1980s. "There was something very masculine about players caked in mud", she says.
Instead of this?
Hmm, whatever turns you on, but OTB can't help thinking that the improved quality of today's pitches is why we now have Thierry Henry and Cristiano Ronaldo, rather than Kenny Burns and Chopper Harris. Mind you, Martin Keown getting so caked in mud that his features were unrecognisable would be a distinct improvement.
U's fan Sean Tyler came up with some excellent suggestions, including "being able to breathe near the goalkeeper without giving away a free kick", "a game free of diving and playacting" (whatever are you suggesting, Sean?!) and one item particularly dear to my own heart, the "good, honest names of Divisions 1, 2, 3 and 4". Hear hear!
Sean also suggested a return to "quirky grounds named after quaint local landmarks, not shiny, soulless metal boxes bearing the logo of a mysterious Korean PLC." Sentiments I'm sure every Arsenal fan would concur with after their club's decision to call their new ground 'The Emirates Stadium'.
Another of Sean's suggestions was bringing back scorelines like 8-4, 9-4 and 7-6 (seems like Tranmere and Bradford agree with you, Sean!). Being a bit suspicious, I checked out these scorelines and, sure enough, there have been two instances of matches ending 9-4, and no fewer than five finishing 8-4. Sadly there's been only one 7-6, in December 1957, but what a game! Charlton Athletic defeated Bill Shankly's Huddersfield, despite being 5-1 down with half an hour to go! Even Cambridge don't concede that many late goals!
Another reader wanted managers to wear sheepskin coats again, instead of smart suits that "make them look like accountants or bank managers" (a telling comment on the modern game's priorities). Ah, the good old sheepskin coat, beloved of Ron Atkinson and John Motson. And the single biggest reason why neither ever won Best-Dressed Man of the Year. While we're at it, what about Malcolm Allison and his fedora (that's a hat to anyone under 40. To anyone under 20, a hat is what people wore on their heads before baseball caps)?
A few other suggestions - Shoot! magazine's league ladders (yes!!), rosettes (it's true, you never see them now except at general elections) and, best of all, rattles.
The rattle! It's one of the tragedies of our age that a whole generation has no knowledge of the once-obligatory, now banned rattle. For those who've never seen a football rattle, they looked like a cross between those big electronic message boards by the sides of motorways, and medieval torture devices.
Made of wood, the rattle, when spun sharply through the air, made a loud, er, rattle. They were also an early type of weapon of mass destruction. If the noise didn't drive everyone mad, the swirling rattle could easily take out anyone in the immediate vicinity. I had an aunt who regularly used one to devastating effect at Nottingham Forest's Trent End. Those weapons inspectors wasting their time in Iraq should just have visited her house instead.
However, I shall leave the last word on rattles to reader Steven Broomfield, who sent me the following excellent description of these extraordinary items in action:
"From my (very young) days at the Abbey, I can recall that there was nothing like some pillock letting rip with something which sounded like the last trump while you were halfway through your third wagon wheel, and all because Roly Horrey had fallen over the ball again."
Ah yes - the good old days! Excellent ideas all, and thanks to everyone who submitted them.
Cheer up Bryan Robson
Why does Robbo always look as if he's just lost his dog? Whenever he's interviewed on TV, those sad, haunted eyes of his always give the impression he's just found a penny in the street after losing ten grand down the bookies, or has just being tipped as next manager of WBA. Which, thinking about it, amounts to pretty much the same thing. Either way, I'd love to know what's up with him.
Sit down, shut up
As ever, England's recent international was preceded by two songs - the National Anthem, representing us, and a tuneless chorus of boos, representing Wales.
Why do England fans persist in drowning out the opposition's anthem? If there were a World Cup for this, we'd win it hands down every time. But does it help the England cause? Not a bit. It simply winds up the opposition, increases their determination to beat us, and fuels the dislike felt by so many towards England. One of the main reasons we find it so difficult to get to host World Cups and Olympics is that, frankly, we're not always very popular. Booing people just for having the nerve to play us at football doesn't help.
In any case, if fans are going to drown out anything, they should do it on musical taste to our own miserable dirge. At least other countries have decent tunes.
Rugby fans don't feel a need to boo opposition anthems; cricket fans positively applaud good opposition play, so why do football fans insist on ignorant displays of contempt and disrespect for everyone else? It's high time the FA - better still, the England players - did something more to stop this. A few words from the likes of Beckham, Rooney et al might just get some of these yobs to stop the booing show a bit of respect instead.
Nice money if you can get it
Forgive me for ending away from football, but I've got to get this off my chest. The news that American golfer Jeff Maggert got paid a whopping £60,000 for losing his World Matchplay first-round game by a record 12 & 11 last week was bad enough. But even worse was learning that someone has walked off with £7,000 for winning, wait for it, the World Paper, Stone, Scissors Championship.
I could say something about this, but I don't think the club would publish it on a family website, so I'd better say goodbye till next week instead.
Something eating you about football? Perhaps you know the dark, inner secret of Bryan Robson? Or maybe you just want to get your name in print next week. Whichever, drop me a line at cufcofftheball@aol.com
Neil Cole
If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find them here
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