Welcome to this week's Off the Ball, which says thank you very much to Marshall's for the fly-past that celebrated Cambridge's thrashing of Bristol Rovers on Saturday.
Lots to get through this week, so here we go...
Just when you thought things couldn't get worse...
My piece a couple of weeks ago about the Northern Ireland fan who phoned into Radio 5 with memories of the worst match he'd ever seen struck a chord with many of you. Thanks to everyone who's e-mailed in with suggestions for the worst-ever game.
A number of you felt there was no need to go back any further than the U's recent home defeat against Grimsby, where the emphasis was definitely on the grim. However, I have disallowed this on the grounds of the NRE's boisterous chant towards the away supporters of "You're sh*t and you stink of fish", which was worth the ticket price by itself.
Martinandjane (that's either a dual e-mail address or a worryingly confused U's fan) reckoned the following week's match against Kidderminster wasn't much better, while another nomination, from Steve Broomfield, was the U's 3-0 defeat to Barnet in 1999.
At least, Steve thought it was 3-0, but he couldn't be quite sure as he fell asleep at half-time (curiously enough, Steve also nominated "Any match involving Wycombe"!).
An even heavier U's defeat prompted a couple of suggestions, from Andy James and Michael Owen (who clearly has even more time on his hands in Madrid than we realised), both of whom felt the 6-0 walloping at the hands of Brentford in 1995 was as bad as it gets. The scars are taking a long time to heal, it seems.
Away from Cambridge, Derek, who says he's an exiled Southampton fan, recalled his side's 7-0 thrashing by Leeds United back in the early 1970s. This was the infamous match when the Leeds team played with Southampton rather in the way cats play with mice (funny, I'd have listed this among my all-time favourite games for exactly the same reason...)
However, based purely on the quality of football, the overall experience, and the fact it was all in aid of nothing more worthwhile than the LDV Trophy of all things, my favourite nomination for worst-ever match must be a game the U's actually won - against Cheltenham three years ago this very month. Though I (mercifully) missed the game due to work commitments, it was clearly one of those games that exemplifies the masochistic streak that is an essential part of any footy-fan's make-up.
According to long-suffering U's fan Paddy, the game was played on one of those cold, miserable, October nights when there was so much damp mist in the air that he got soaked even though it wasn't raining. "Then", he tells OTB, "it started pouring with rain anyway, and I got even more soaked".
The football, meanwhile, was truly dire. The players received the ball about as warmly as they'd welcome a plague-infested rat. As soon as someone got the ball, he would look at it as if it were a mystery object the likes of which he'd never seen before, fall over it and give it straight back to the opposition who'd just given it to him in the first place.
Towards the end of the match, with the score at 1-1 and extra time looming, the U's fans actually started cheering every time Cheltenham went forward, in the hope that somebody, anybody, would score and put them out of their misery. So bad did things get that not even the prospect of an exciting penalty shootout prevented fans from leaving early and finding somewhere to quietly slash their wrists or chew their own arms off.
And if anyone can remember a worse match than that, you truly, truly have my sympathy.
A Perfect match
So, Gazza (oops, sorry, he doesn't want to be called that any more - oh what the hell), yes Gazza won't be appearing with Boston at the Abbey over Christmas after all, which is a real shame.
But, word has it that Mr Gascoigne has been invited to train with our neighbours Peterboring. This is splendid news, raising as it does the prospect of the world's daftest, most hare-brained footballer teaming up with the world's daftest, most hare-brained manager. Yep, the Gazza and Bazza show could be coming to a football club near us soon! Peterboring's pie sellers must be rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect. Bring it on!
Back Home
The huge build-up to last week's England v Wales match, and the passion it provoked, has shown that there remains a huge appetite in these islands for games between the home nations.
Older readers will, of course, remember the old Home International Championships. Nowadays, the domestic and international fixture lists are probably too crowded for the return of those championships on an annual basis, but what about staging them in alternate years when there are no World Cup or European Championship finals? Or maybe utilising the dates allocated for friendly internationals? A good old England/Wales or Scotland/England match would be far more entertaining and meaningful than one of Swen's 10-substitutions at half-time efforts.
So come on FA suits, if you're reading this (and if not, why not?) let's look at how we can bring back the Home Internationals. Then at least we can beat Wales every other year!
Who says loyalty is dead?
Rightly or wrongly, overseas players in the English game are often seen by many fans as no more than mercenaries, hired hands who have no loyalty to their club but simply come here to pick up huge pay packets and jump ship whenever a bigger wad of cash is waved at them.
It's nice to report, therefore, on one overseas player at whom that accusation can never be levelled. The Football League have announced that former South African captain Lucas Radebe has become the first non-EU player ever to be granted a testimonial, after completing ten years of service at Leeds United.
Recent seasons have not been the easiest of times at Elland Road, to say the very least, but Radebe has stuck with the club through thick and thin. Now, in his final season, he's been granted a reward for that loyalty. Regardless of what you think about tax-free paydays for already hugely-paid footballers, Radebe's testimonial shows that overseas players can show just as much loyalty and integrity as any of their English-born counterparts. OTB says congratulations Lucas, and well played.
Oh (drooping) Flower of Scotland
Following Scotland's latest debacle, the 1-0 home defeat to Norway, the President of the Scottish FA has said that Bertie Vogts will not be sacked "as long as Scotland have a chance of qualifying for the World Cup".
Now, far be it from OTB to question the mental well-being of the SFA President, but what on earth led him to think Scotland ever had a chance in the first place?!
Brain of Britain
David Beckham's brilliant, isn't he? After his manic attempts to throw himself all over Ben Thatcher on Saturday, he's now admitted that he deliberately got himself booked so his suspension would take effect against lowly Azerbaijan. "People didn't think I was clever enough to think of that, but I am", he said.
Except that, since Becks has been stupid enough to admit it was deliberate, FIFA are now looking into this his actions and may well apply the suspension to a later match.
Ah well David, that's the old Mastermind application back on hold again.
And that's it from this week's Off the Ball - next week we reveal the things you wish football had never given up, ask why Bryan Robson always looks so fed up, and why England fans should shut up. You can e-mail us on all, some or none of these things at cufcofftheball@aol.com
Neil Cole
If you missed Neil's previous 'Off The Ball' columns, you can find them here
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