Welcome to September's Off the Ball, which this month has mostly been eating... porridge.

Going down, going down, going down...
So, Joey Barton has been released from inside to run amok on the playing fields of England once more. Newcastle's decision to retain the services of the Barton One was controversial, but of course he is far from being the first footballer to fall foul of the law and end up a guest of Her Majesty (wonder if she paid him a visit?). So, we thought it was high time that a Footballers' Jailbird XI was formed.

The only qualifying criterion - you have to have landed on the old 'Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. But do carry on collecting £80,000 per week wages)' square. Oh yes, and be a footballer, obviously.

So, here is our Slade Prison XI, complete with full subs bench for good measure.

GOALKEEPER

It would be premature, not to say sub judice, to comment on any former goalkeepers with a south coast club starting with P and ending in mouth and which isn't Portsmouth and who may or may not be in the vicinity of a courtroom soon, so we head off instead to Colombia and Rene Higuita.

Columbian international Rene (can never write that name without thinking of Yvette in 'Allo 'Allo's Rrrreeenneeeeeee!) was bizarrely caught up in a kidnapping organised by a drugs cartel. Acting as a go-between, he helped secure the release of a drugs baron's daughter who had been abducted by a rival, handing over the ransom money. He was considered a hero, and even received $64,000 as a thank you from the girl's father, but as making a profit from a kidnapping is illegal in Columbia, the hapless custodian was thrown inside for seven months without trial. Never charged, he was released after going on hunger strike. Any chance of getting David James to do it next time...?

DEFENCE

Tony Adams
The Arsenal captain fell victim to the club's pre-Wenger drinking culture, and got caught driving under the influence in 1990, resulting in a spell inside Chelmsford open prison (a safe place to put an open prison - after all, if anyone escaped, they'd wind up in Chelmsford itself, so it was considered a sure-fire bet that the inmates would rather just stay where they were).

James Cotterill
Usually footballers go to jail for things they've done away from the pitch, but Barrow's James Cotterill made history last year by being the first to get sent down for what he did on an English pitch. Now, there have probably been countless occasions when footballers have wanted to punch an opponent in the face, or up the bracket as Sid James would have put it. What marks Cotterill out for special attention is that he actually did it. Sean Rigg of Bristol Rovers was the man to have an unexpected nose job in an FA Cup tie in 2006. In a touch of genius, Cotterill managed to pick the one game in Barrow's entire history that was selected for Match of the Day and so covered by hordes of TV cameras watching his every move. "It's a fair cop Guv".

Peter Storey
Despite playing for the red of Arsenal, Peter Storey was sent down for smuggling movies of the blue variety after a stash of porn turned up in the back of his motor, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase 'Blue Peter'. He also received a fine and a suspended sentence for running a brothel.

Nizar Trabelsi
"Who?", I hear you asking. Well, Trabelsi was a Tunisian who plied his footballing trade with Fortuna Dusseldorf and Wuppertal in Germany. However, as well as following the beautiful game, he also followed Osama bin Laden, leading to a 10-year stretch in 2003 for plotting to blow up a military base and co-ordinating a ring of Al-Qaeda operatives. Still, he was nifty at corners, fair do's.

MIDFIELD

George Best
Ah, Georgie, Georgie, perhaps the greatest of them all. The former ManUre, Hibs and Ford Open Prison forward was sent down in 1982 for drunk driving. Mind you, assaulting the arresting policeman probably didn't help his case much.

Jan Molby
Liverpool's Great Dane (above) also had problems with the old four-wheelers, being done for reckless driving, resulting in three months incarceration. According to Scouse observers, he came out of nick looking leaner and fitter than he had done for ages at Anfield.

Mickey Thomas
Confirming that footballers don't just get sent down for assault and drunkenness, Welsh wizard Mickey Thomas was nicked for passing forged banknotes to Wrexham trainees when he was the club's manager. Class, pure class.

FORWARDS

Duncan Ferguson
Duncan Ferguson may have been known as 'Drunken Duncan', but it was a headbutt on Raith Rovers' John McStay that landed the Everton giant inside. It was particularly annoying for the Toffees, as Fergie had been playing for Rangers when he had his Zidane moment. Still, it did lead to the immortal terrace chant from gleeful Celtic fans "He's tall, he's skinny, he's going tae Barlinnie..."

Lee Hughes
Once a hero at West Brom, Lee Hughes was jailed in 2004 after causing the death of a passenger in another car, then fleeing the scene of the accident. Released in 2007, Hughes joined Oldham but was an unpopular signing with Athletic's fans.

Jermaine Pennant
Yet another drink-driving offender, Jermaine Pennant spent 30 days of a 90-day sentence in clink in 2005. On his release, Pennant made history when he turned out for Birmingham City wearing an electronic tag. No chance of him going missing in games then…

SUBS

Mickey "I ate all the Pies" Quinn.
Quinn (above) was sent down for 21 days whilst playing for Portsmouth in 1987, having pleaded guilty to driving whilst disqualified for the second time in three weeks. He was kept awake in his cell at night by other prisoners banging their doors and shouting "Up the Saints".

Simon Garner
Former Blackburn striker Garner was sentenced to nine months in 1996 for contempt of court, but was released on appeal after four weeks. The sentence had come as a surprise to Garner, who had arrived in court expecting nothing more than to settle maintenance payments in his divorce.

Matthew Hughes
Not one of the game's more intellectually gifted participants, Hughes was jailed for two weeks in 2005 after claiming £10,000 in damages for injuries resulting from falling into a pothole outside his Caerphilly home. Unfortunately for Hughes, it was discovered that, within hours of the alleged accident, Hughes was playing for his local side, Pontlottyn Blast Furnace. His story was further undermined when he not only scored, but was photographed before the match kneeling on his supposedly knackered knee. Still, it gets him into the same squad as Bestie so was doubtless worth it.

Jamie Lawrence, of Bradford and Leicester, was sentenced to four years for robbery and violence (in fairness, tactics many teams have used over the years). Not surprisingly he stood out in the Parkhurst prison team, so much so that local semi-professional outfit Cowes Sports tried to sign him. Bafflingly, he opted to sign for Sunderland instead.

Pele
Yes, the great man was once a prisoner. Ok, a prisoner of war. In Escape to Victory. Oh come on, give me a break, it's not easy doing all this research you know...

Picture of the Month

Here's a picture of a footballer kicking some balls

Don't mention the win...
The last few seasons (ever since I moved to Cambridge and started watching the U's in fact, so draw your own conclusions...) yes the last few seasons have generally been a bit of a disaster. Relegation, relegation again, out of the Football League, very nearly out of business...

But finally, the club has won something! OK, the trophy won't be shown off on a lap of honour or an open-topped bus parade through the streets of Cambridge, partly because it's not quite up there with promotion or the FA Trophy, or even the LDVautopaintglasswindshieldmemberscuptrophy thing, but mostly because there isn't actually a trophy to parade. But, nevertheless, sing out loud, sing out strong, the U's have won something - the Non-League Programme of the Year award! So well done to Mark Johnson and all involved. Even as you read this news, spontaneous street parties are breaking out all over Histon...

Bit of a shame that it took us two months to find out after the club - allegedly - lost the Programme Monthly press release but better late than never.

So come on, we don't win titles very often, so in keeping with the new Olympic spirit, let's celebrate success - We are the champions!

Shut that window!
Just when I'd lost all interest in the Premiership, along come Manchester City and turn the final day of the transfer window into the funniest day in football since Alex Ferguson had Pizza Hut's finest deposited all over him.

Trying to nick Berbatov from ManUre, then stealing Robinho from under Chelsea's noses after they'd been chasing him all summer - class, pure class!

I bet Robinho will have a shock when he realises ManUre and Man City are actually different clubs...

Altogether now, Ronaldo for Eastlands, Ronaldo for Eastlands!

Any tales of footballing porridge? Got any amusing football photos to share with us? Send them to us at OTBCUFC@googlemail.com and we'll do our best to lose them for a couple of months before finally publishing them when no-one's looking.

Neil Cole

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The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.

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