Welcome to this week's/month's/season's Off The Ball which says: Calm down, calm down!

Yes, OTB is back for another season. And, unlike last season, we're hoping to make it through the whole campaign this time. In fact, unlike last season, we're hoping to make it past the first game this time.

Ths has, of course, been one of the great footballing questions of our time, debated in bars the length and breadth of the nation. Will Ronaldo join Real Madrid? Can England reach the World Cup semis under Capello? Will Arsenal lose their entire team before the Premiership kicks off? And will OTB ever be ar*ed to appear again. Well, now we know.

So, what's been happening while we've been enjoying our golden slumbers (big clue there to what follows by the way)? Well, there's been a seismic change to football here in dear old Cambridge.

Yes, in a sign of the times in which we live, a venerable institution has changed forever. A piece of footballing history altered, a famous old name lost. Yes, an historic landmark down here on the Newmarket Road has changed its name. Once again, modern trends have triumphed over decades of history.

Yes, Cambridge United is no more. Long live Scousers Re-United.

Brabin, Evil, Carden, Parky, Bimmo, Bolland... the Scally influx these days at the Abbey/Trade Recruitment Stadium seems endless. As indeed does the list of extra security staff we'll need to patrol the car parks on matchdays. It wouldn't have surprised me in the slightest if the theme from Z-Cars had been played before the Everton match - for the home side! Maybe this season we should all turn up in perm wigs and shout 'Calm down, calm down' every time there's a tasty tackle, before a chorus of out "dey doo do, don't dey do" at bemused opposition fans.

So, by way of tribute to our new legion of those who've taken the ferry 'cross the Mersey, I thought we'd invoke the help of Liverpool's finest; none other than John, Paul, George and Ringo - The - what was their name again? Oh yes, The Beatles! The Fab Four wrote countless classics, but only now, more than 40 years on, can we see how truly prophetic these young Gods were about dear old Cambridge United and our plight in recent years. Don't take my word for it, see for yourself...

• Yesterday (all our troubles seemed so far away, now it looks as though they're here to stay...)
• (We're going down like a) Yellow Submarine
• Get Back (into the Football League) - not to be confused with Get Beck
• All You Need is Love (though half a million quid, two more midfielders and a 20-a-season striker wouldn't go amiss)
• Fixing a Hole (in the Habbin roof/central defence, take your pick)
• From Me To You (Paul Carden gets technical about how our new passing game works)
• I'm a Loser (says it all really)
• It's All Too Much (ditto)
• Misery (I'm saying nothing)
• Your feet's Too Big (so that's why Armand One never scored)
• Hello Goodbye (aka the Jimmy Quinn song) or, Goodbye Hello (aka the Pitt/McEvilly/Carden/Bimson song)
• Nowhere Man (Rob Woolleaston's positional sense captured perfectly on song)
• Here, There and Everywhere (Courtney's corners)
• The Long and Winding Road (certainly seems that way)
• Don't Pass Me By (oops, who's not been given the ball again?)
• And, of course, Help!
• 

But, in case you think this is all far too negative and downbeat for the start of a season of hope and promise, remember another immortal song from Messrs Lennon and McCartney - It's Getting Better!

"I'm Ronaldo"... "No, I'm Ronaldo"

This summer has finally seen the shame of modern football exposed for the evil that it is. Yes, following revelations from the very top of UEFA, we've had to endure the pain and discomfort of knowing that our 'entertainment' has in fact been provided by latter-day slaves. Modern day Spartacuses (Spartaci?), young men removed from their homes, friends and family at an early age and ruthlessly traded like slabs of meat, sold from one club to another with no say in it for themselves, other than the lucrative contracts they were clearly forced to sign against their will.

Tied up with balls and chains and held captive in dingy, airless, hot, sweaty windowless changing rooms underneath vast colosseums where they are regularly paraded in front of thousands and forced to perform to the death, or at least till the ref blows the final whistle, their treatment has shocked decent society to the core.

They are made to exist on a paltry £120,000 a week, nowhere near enough to sustain their WAGs' Mayfair shopping habits. Worse, many are forced to parade around in ludicrous designer clothes and appear in Nike TV adverts and the back pages of newspapers. On the few occasions they are allowed into polite society, they are forced, with only each other for protection, to fight off the attentions of grasping, manipulative and scantily clad beauties.

Yes, the treatment of these naïve, helpless young men is truly a scandal of epic proportions. Indeed, it's even rumoured that they are made to play with footballs that have been made by children as young as six - and not only that, working class children who only get paid about $1 a week and who can't even spell the words 'centre half' or 'centre forward', let alone 'self-centred, out-of-all-touch-with-reality, obscenely wealthy spoilt brats'.

How embarrassing is that for these poor, downtrodden footballers? Have they not suffered enough already? Surely the time has come for revolution, for uprising, for the slaves to demand an end to the inhumane conditions in which they are forced to work at Old Trafford, Stamford Bridge and the other dark satanic mills of the Premiership. Decent society just cannot tolerate this abuse of human rights any more.

Of course, it's possible that Ronaldo simply misused the word slave because of the language barrier. Or then again, maybe it's because he's an overpaid, egotistical, arrogant, ignorant little twit who needs a good slap.

Just a thought.

And on that bombshell, that's it from this week's OTB. As the legendary Very Lynn sang, we'll meet again - don't know where, don't know when, but I know we'll meet again. Back here next month probably.

Got any Beatles/Gerry and the Pacemakers/LAs/Echo and the Bunnymen/Coral/Zutons song titles that apply to CUFC? Want to donate to the FREE RONALDO fund? Need directions to the Trade Recruitment Stadium? Then email us now at OTBCUFC@googlemail.com

Neil Cole

Make Your Click Count For The U's - talk about it on the Message Board!

The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.

AT080802