Match: v Southend United - Coca-Cola Football League Two

Date: Saturday, August 21st, 2004

Result: Southend 0 Cambridge United 0

THE JOURNEY

Departure Time: 11.15am

Arrival at Ground: Although the traffic kept moving, it was a little sticky in places. The M11 was okay - so we only got time for a quick look to see if we could spot an identification ring around the axle of a lorry carrying racing pigeons as we overtook it - but the M25 came as close at it could to grinding to a halt without actually stopping.

There were signs for a carnival on the approach roads into town, but that was were the similarity to Rio de Janeiro ended.

I'm not one for stereotypes, but I couldn't help noticing that the closer we got to Southend, the more small Vauxhalls we saw customised with disproportionately sized tea trays on the back - or 'spoilers', as they probably describe them - and even bigger exhaust pipes. Although we didn't actually see any fluffy dice hanging from rear-view mirrors, we were amused to see a set of spangley dice in one vehicle. They didn't distract the driver though; he was too busy sending a text message to notice them!

We finally parked close to the ground at about 12.45pm.

AT THE GROUND

The Ground: In true British seaside resort style, Roots Hall has rather faded glories - or, in this case, seats. However, also in British seaside resort style, there was a mixture hyperbole and saucy postcards at the ground.

The hyperbole came in the form of the P.A. announcer welcoming the teams onto the pitch as 'Cambridge United and the mighty Blues', while the saucy postcard element was amply present in the form of a double page advert for bikes in the programme (that's bicycles with pedals, rather than the models with them... although it looked as if they were familiar with the back of the bike sheds!).

The end of the pier show theme continued with the half time entertainment; the Bluebelles, who were almost wearing the shortest of short shorts and, according to the programme, could be sponsored individually - although it wasn't clear what was included in the package!

United Fans: Good, loud support was helped greatly by the acoustics of the stand. They warmly welcomed Herve when he came over to the away section at 2.30pm, and were perhaps surprised when he apologised for the previous Saturday's unseemly scenes at the end of the match.

View from Away End: Unlike last year, you didn't have to sit in your allocated seat - which was good, as the view from the front six rows was not great, and there was a disproportionate number of pillars to avoid.

Home Fans: There were a number of references throughout the programme to the lack of support Southend had received from their fans this season, but few seemed to have heeded to the pleas. Small groups, around all areas, made sporadic amounts of noise, but they were easily out sung by the travelling U's fans.

Programme: Another weighty tome, this time 68 pages for £2.50. It was a 'genuine' 68 pages too, with tonnes to read for both sets of supporters and very few adverts. There was even space for a little humour - at least I think the page headed 'Yoof Sponsors' was meant to be ironic!

Food/Drink: Unusually, there was a sit-in diner in which U's fans could enjoy their refreshments, and although the prices indicated were less than accurate, this wasn't a bad thing as they were either marked up incorrectly high, or the staff couldn't add up.

State of Toilets: After the innovation of the tea bars, it was back to earth with a bump for the facilities, which were traditional in and overflowing and unpleasant kind of way.

AFTERWARDS

The Journey Home: The main road in and out of Southend can be a bottleneck, but the traffic had cleared by the time I was ready to leave.

Mileage: 128.2 miles

Total Distance for Season: 268.2 miles

Mark Johnson, with additional reporting by Paul Johnson, Ryan Johnson and Gordon McMillan