Tuesday 13th March 2007 - U's 0-5 York: Low Five

It hath many charms, not to mention being the food of love, but sometimes even music is inadequate to convey the sheer horror of what transpired at the Abbey on Tuesday night. So this column can only suggest a minute's silence in memory of the hopes, the dreams, the history, and the dignity of this great club and its loyal, long-suffering supporters...

Thank you. We're still here and that's more important than any player will ever be. So, Tuesday night, then.

York City are United one year on, having been relegated from the League the season before us. Their first Conference season was a struggle, but they survived. They regrouped under an inspirational, experienced manager, reorganised off the pitch, stabilised the ship last season, and this term they have built on that and are placed comfortably in third place. Now what parts of that have United failed to do so far?

The men from KitKat Crescent (so that's where we went wrong!) arrived with ten away wins already under their collective belts and one of the most lethal strike duos in the Conference in Clayton Donaldson and Craig Farrell. They also boasted the man with the coolest name in football, Emmanuel Panther, and one ex-U in Nathan Peat, the latest in a long line of players who failed to make an impression at the Abbey then went on to success elsewhere. Perhaps it's us then...?

JQ the Tinkerman sifted through the debris of last Tuesday's 5-0 catastrophe at Altrincham and decided, yes, yet another different formation was required. Mouthing fine words to the press about going for goals (if only he had specified which end), he dropped Wayne Purser and David Bridges and brought back Robbie Simpson and Aidan Collins.

A flat back four consisting of four centre-backs lined up behind three 'battling' midfielders in Danny Brown and the Smiths, and initially Dan Chillingworth started wide right with Simpson and Jon Brady up front, JB once again plonked on the left hand side where he has to cut inside onto his good foot all the time. Once proceedings commenced, the 4-4-2 mutated into a 4-3-3 when United attacked and more of a 4-5-1 when they were defending; hey, why use only one formation when you can play three at once?!

Needless to say it took around two minutes for the amber hordes to twig that this just was not going to work as desperate JQ once again tried to ram several square pegs into some particularly unwilling round holes. Brady looked utterly lost, wandering lonely as a clod in no man's land on the left while Chilli tried to play two positions at once on the opposite flank: the lost sheep and the headless chicken. The net result was that Simpson was totally isolated up front, with no help at all coming through the middle other than the occasional hopefully hoofed long ball, which seemed to be United's only attacking tactic.

York, on the other hand, looked purposeful and organised, passing the ball with accuracy and a constant threat from their mobile front two. It's called 4-4-2, Jimmy, you might like to try it some time. First shot came on 7 from Mark Convery, wide of the far post, followed by a couple of corners well dealt with by Shane Herbert, the only United man on the pitch who exuded any sort of confidence.

First real chance came on 12 for the visitors as Neil Bishop popped up in the corner of the six yard box and with the goal at his mercy, smashed an angled drive over the top as he went for power instead of placement. The early signs were already ominous as the hosts struggled to string together any sort of possession and visiting keeper Tom Evans was a total spectator.

The Minstermen continued to push and probe, patiently building a head of steam like a souped-up traction engine. With mag wheels and rear spoilers. United's major defensive weakness, its lack of pace in the middle, is well known by now and with the quality of York's front two it was only a matter of time...

...Twenty-one minutes, actually. Convery looked up from the centre circle under no pressure, saw Donaldson race away one way to take Duncan out of the picture, then found Farrell, bombing down the middle with Collins alongside. The York hitman advanced to the edge of the area and, with Collins just too far from him to get a challenge in, fired low across the helpless Herbert and into the bottom far corner with all the piercing deadliness of a Stuart Pearce stare. 1-0.

United's 'response' was feebler than a hamster with nose rot. York would have been more troubled by eleven amber-and-black toilet rolls flapping around the pitch than their opponents' stick-in-the-mud midfield, lost boys up front and four six-foot bollards at the back. The corners and crosses rained in at regular intervals and Herbert maintained his own standards commendably, but this mismatched contest was only going to go one way, and it tilted further Yorkward on 33.

This time it was Donaldson who broke down the left channel onto a Convery through ball, pursued at a distance by Collins, and with no challenge coming in, he hammered a dipping shot across Herbert for the top far corner. The United keeper got a brave hand on the ball but he could not stop its inevitable progress into the back of his net. Another quality strike: 2-0.

Game over? If the players believed that, it could only become a self-fulfilling prophecy. The U's did manage an attempt on goal two minutes later, Collins heading Stephen Smith's corner wide when unmarked, but other than that proceedings were more one-sided than Damien Hirst's sheep. The midfield three continued to patrol the same three blades of grass, the back four stayed back, Brady looked bewildered, Chilli gambolled fruitlessly and Simpson remained in less than splendid isolation, still trying desperately to make something of the high hoofs aimed in his general direction.

Visiting defender Darren Craddock was forced to withdraw on 40 after a clash with Simpson and several minutes' treatment, replaced by Anthony Lloyd, and the only remaining significant action of the half was a booking for Collins for a frustrated hack at Farrell. The 45 finished aptly on yet another Convery corner and the U's players faced their regular troop of jeers to the dressing room.

The interval was, er, enlivened by a penalty shootout between Marvin The Moose and someone dressed as a giant cigarette (Fred The Fag?) and as Marvin scuffed another spot-kick hopelessly wide, the spirit of Robbie Cooke looked down and smiled. Either that or he just had wind.

Something had to be changed after the abject failure of JQ's latest brainstorm. Wonder what page he is up to now in his 'Bumper UEFA Book of Tactics for Boys'? Collins did not re-emerge - how quickly yesterday's hero becomes today's nobody - and was replaced by the fiery, fist-clenching inspiration that is David Bridges, slotting in on the right of midfield of a 4-4-2 with Stephen Smith moved to right-back and Brady now an orthodox left-winger (with no left foot to speak of).

What United needed was a flying start to the second half to give them some hope of a revival. And the first fifteen seconds were really quite promising. They even touched the ball once. Two minutes in, however, Bishop's pinpoint pass found Farrell ten yards out and somehow he smashed his shot against the bar with the goal at his mercy.

A let-off? Hardly. The ensuing corner was swung to the far post by Martyn Woolford, and there was defender Jan Kovacs stealing in, criminally unmarked, to power a header home from close range. 3-0.

All hope extinguished, all we could wish for now was that United should concede less than the seven which Sunderland scored here in the League Cup back in October 2002. The visitors made an early change when Ross Greenwood replaced Panther on 50, and Brown was second man into the book a minute later for something he said to the ref when the man in black gave his umpteenth soft free-kick after midfield hatchet man Basher Bridges clashed with Donaldson.

All pressure effectively lifted, United actually managed the odd passing move for a change, and were unlucky not to pull one back on 55 when Sam Page headed Stephen Smith's free-kick onto the bar. Christian Smith then had a shot blocked by Bishop before Chilli was felled by a blow to the head in a collision with Dave McGurk. The best we could hope for now was that Chilli could suffer temporary amnesia and when he said he couldn't remember who he was, Greg Reid could tell him that he was in fact Ronaldinho.

Even JQ's bumper tactics book doesn't include that one. Normal service was resumed on 63 with the most farcical goal yet of a Brian Rix season. Convery arrowed another corner into the box, the ball squirmed loose, Brady shaped to clear from the penalty spot with a scissors kick, but instead miscued horribly and the ball dribbled straight to Donaldson. He smashed gratefully home as JB wished the ground would swallow him all the way back to Oz: 4-0.

United's dispirited side and increasingly restive support were slapped across the chops again nine minutes later with another insultingly easy goal for the visitors. Woolford curled a cross into the centre of the box, Herbert came out to intercept, but there was the predatory Donaldson steaming in totally unmarked to get his head to the ball first and nod easily into the empty net. 5-0.

The amber hordes split into three camps: those shouting abuse, those staring dejectedly at their shoes, and those already on their way home. A slew of substitutions ensued as Josh Simpson (why was he ever dropped?) introduced some life to his dying team in place of the wretched Brady on 73, Robert Elvins replaced Convery on 75 for the visitors, and most bizarrely of all, remaining benched U's striker Wayne Purser was passed over in favour of Darren Quinton on 77, coming on for Stephen Smith for his first appearance since August 28th.

United hadn't changed formation for at least half an hour so switched to 3-5-2 with the two recent subs wide. Might as well go for the full set, eh? Josh shot gamely wide on 78, Christian Smith had a shot blocked by Kovacs on 81 and Robbie picked up a harsh yellow for a perfectly fair challenge on Evans.

"We want one!" sang the NRE as black humour overtook blind fury for a few minutes and York slipped into snooze mode to see the game out. Robbie Simpson sent a free-kick into the wall on 85, Quinton produced a good run and decent shot to force Evans into his only proper save of the night a minute later, then he collected a hopeful effort from Josh.

The four added minutes were greeted with groans from the long-suffering home supporters, and when the final whistle went they let the team and the management know in no uncertain terms what they thought of a pitiful, disorganised mish-mash of a 'performance' which had made a decent visiting side look like Brazil 1970. And they must all share the blame, too.

It was depressing to read in Andy Duncan's verdict of the Altrincham game that nobody knew why they had played so badly. How can they improve when they don't even know where they are going wrong? And how utterly dispiriting it is to see yet another United manager repeating all the mistakes of his failed predecessors, desperately flailing from formation to formation while rubbing his magic UEFA coaching badges and wondering why they don't work. This is the same man who said, oh so long ago, that football is a simple game and should be played so. Then assails his players with change after change, often several times a match, and plays so many of them out of position, then wonders why he isn't getting the best out of them. These are desperate times indeed and we all know the price of failure now.

So let's stand back from the manic depression to finish with and wallow in a few stats.

1. The last time United conceded five at home was in losing 5-3 to Yeovil on 28th December 2004.
2. The last season in which they conceded five goals three times was 2001-02, when they also let in six at Tranmere (Lionel Perez sent off, remember?).
3. The last time United conceded five goals in two consecutive games was in November 1972 when they lost 5-1 away to Workington in the League and Bournemouth in the FA Cup. And they were promoted that season!
4. Since 1970, United have conceded five goals at home only five times in League games: Yeovil (as above), Millwall (1-5, 2000-01), Huddersfield (4-5, 1993-94), Northampton (2-5, 1985-86) and Peterborough (2-5, 1971-72).
5. Aside from the aforementioned Sunderland 7-0 trouncing, the last time United lost by a margin of five goals at home was on 4th January 1947, when Abbey United were tonked 8-3 by the might of Haddenham Rovers in the Cambs League. Those were the days...

Player Ratings
Herbert 5. Believe it or not, one of the picks of a very poor bunch who could do little about any of the goals. Let's just hope the last two games haven't completely shattered this talented young keeper's confidence.
Morrison 3. Struggled terribly at full-back and little better at centre-back. The kid needs a rest.
Duncan 3. Sometimes honesty and pluck just isn't enough.
Collins 3. Lack of pace exposed again, but although he was subbed at half-time he was no worse than any other defender.
Page 4. Best defender by default, he at least kept going all the way to the end.
Brown 2. Will the real Danny Brown please stand up? The half-hearted, bumbling stumbler we have seen recently bears no resemblance to the commanding figure who so excited us earlier in the season.
C.Smith 3. Contributed little, lack of experience showing painfully.
S.Smith 4. Did his best but was pulled from pillar to post by his manager's desperate, hopeless tactical juggling act.
Brady 2. Wretchedly out of form, dismally out of position, completely anonymous, his error for the fourth goal summed his evening up. Horrific.
Chillingworth 3. Always willing, but utterly unable to deliver.
R.Simpson 4. Tried his level best in the face of pathetic 'service' from his team-mates. Far too much expectation and responsibility is being shoved onto the shoulders of our only part-time player, however talented he may be.

Bridges 2. Was he playing? Contributed nothing worthwhile in 45 minutes. When the going got tough, he didn't get going.
J.Simpson 5. Should be the first name on the midfield team sheet. By far United's most lively and committed player when finally and belatedly introduced in the second half.
Quinton 4. Did OK in the circumstances, but God alone knows why he was brought on at all.

Match Summary
United's tame collection of lost sheep, lame ducks, headless chickens and lumbering donkeys humiliated themselves and their club in surrendering to their worst home League defeat in sixty years. Time to stand up and be counted, lads, if you want yourselves and this club to have any future. It's now or never.

Man of the Match
No-one deserved such an accolade on this embarrassment of a night, but Josh Simpson made more impression in 17 minutes than most of his timorous team-mates made in ninety.

Ref Watch
Hendley 4. Latest of the plague of whistle-happy robots who have emerged from the Conference factory this season who thinks he is refereeing a game called 'touch football' where he must give a foul every time one player brushes against another. Made a dreadful game (for homies, anyway) even dreadfuller.

Soundtrack of the Day
I Was A Cub Scout 'Oh What A Fiasco!'

Andrew Bennett

Now talk about it on the message board!

Previous match reports:
Stafford 1-2 U's
U's 1-1 Forest Green
U's 2-2 Southport
Morecambe 2-2 U's
U's 2-0 Grays
Oxford 1-1 U's
U's 3-0 Woking
Rushden & Diamonds 3-1 U's
Stevenage 4-1 U's
U's 0-1 Stafford
U's 1-2 Burton
U's 0-1 Rushden & Diamonds
Histon 5-0 U's(FA Trophy 1st round)
Woking 0-1 U's
U's 0-2 St Albans
U's 1-3 Morecambe
U's 3-0 Gravesend
Grays 1-1 U's
Northwich 2-0 U's (FA Cup Qual)
U's 0-3 Oxford
U's 1-2 Crawley
U's 2-2 Altrincham
Burton 2-1 U's
U's 1-0 Stevenage
U's 1-1 Kidderminster
Forest Green 1-1 U's
U's 1-3 Exeter
Dagenham 2-0 U's
U's 1-2 Halifax
St Albans 1-1 U's
U's 0-1 Northwich Victoria

Pre-season match reports:
Histon 0-0 U's (3-4 on pens)
U's 1-3 Norwich
Fakenham 0-7 U's
Enfield FC 0-2 U's
Cambridge City 0-2 U's
U's 4-4 Ipswich
U's 0-4 West Ham
Bury Town 1-2 U's
Leyton 0-3 U's

The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.