Saturday 3rd February 2007 - Oxford 1-1 U's: Here comes the man in black

Hello, football fans. The name's Hopkins... John Hopkins. I'm a referee on a mission. You see, for me refereeing isn't only a job; it's a vocation. And more than a vocation: it is an Art. Yes, Art! Never mind the football, just come and see me in action. Thrills are guaranteed. Hit it!

Your butt is mine
I am always right
When I show my cards
I'm dynamite
I'm telling you
I'm the real deal
Gonna hurt your side

With a whistle peal
Come on
Come on
Gonna book them all night

I'm giving you
On count of three
A telling-off
Like your daddy
I'm telling you
Just watch your mouth
I know your game
What you're about

Well I won't stand for no backchat
And no body contact too
And if you call me a shortarse
This is a day you'll rue

Because I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
(He's bad, he's bad, really, really bad)
You know I'm bad, I'm bad, you know it
(He's bad, he's bad, really, really bad)
Don't call me mad, power-mad, come on, you know
(He mad, he's mad, really rather mad)
And the whole League has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again
Who's bad...

I couldn't play
So I'm playin' you
Said I'm too short
Now the daddy's who?
Inadequate
I'll show you, right
So listen up
I've won the fight
Your talk is cheap
Cost you a card
Don't argue, son
I'm small but hard

Now Graeme Poll's my hero
Though he's not perfect, true
He didn't show enough cards
Not a mistake I'll do

Because I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
(He's bad, he's bad, really, really bad)
Not at all sad, not sad, you know it
(Sad, sad, really, really sad)
Not power-mad, not mad, you know it, you know
(Mad, mad, really power-mad)
And the whole League has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again,
Who's bad...

I can change the world tomorrow
With my pencil and its case
And I'll happily red-card you
If I don't like your face

Because I'm bad, I'm bad, come on
(He's bad, bad, really, really bad)
My outfit's rad, it's rad, you know it
(Rad, rad, really, really rad)
It's my jihad, jihad, you know it, you know
(Jihad, jihad, really, really bad)

Woo! woo! woo!

You know I'm smooth, I'm bad, come on
(He's bad, bad, really, really bad)
I am Count Vlad, I'm Vlad, you know it
(He's Vlad, Vlad, blood-sucking Count Vlad)
You know, you know, you know, you know
And the whole League has to answer right now
Just to tell you once again
Who's bad!

Referees have been the least of United's worries during their recent barren run - although they could have done without the men in black's irritating and regular tendency to flash red cards at their players - but it is amazing how worries can be dispelled, at least temporarily, by one good win. Another impressive turnout of the amber hordes rolled up at Oxford's Kassam Stadium on Saturday with renewed hope and optimism as sunny as the cloudless Cambridge-blue sky.

While a whole different sort of drama was being played out at United's AGM on Monday night, Oxford were stumbling dismally to their first home defeat of the season to Rushden live on Sky to cap a wretched run of ten league games without a win, which has led the once assailable-seeming leaders to drift to nine points behind current first-placers Dagenham & Redbridge.

Oxford (who shall henceforth be referred to as, well, 'Oxford' while the nomenclatures 'U's' and 'United' shall refer to Cambridge) could at least take comfort today that their 'Varsity rivals' (© every lazy national newspaper) had only ever managed one league win in their city, and that back at the quaint old Manor Ground in January 1978 when the legendary figures of Willie Watson, Sammy Morgan and Tom Finney fired the light-blue U's to a 3-2 victory.

Oxford are now firmly ensconced in the Kassam Stadium, a typical modern out-of-town construction stuck in the middle of a nondescript 'science park' and which charges an outrageous £18 for admittance (or £16 advance - er, thanks, guys) to a ground which only has three sides and seems to be made from the cheapest breezeblock they could find.

The nearby pub was most pleasant, however, an olde worlde oasis in a desert of soulless 21st-century steel and glass, and the crowds gathered in its sun-drenched garden made it seem more like high summer than early February. Good old global warming, eh? Whereas last season it was dominated by away supporters, this time there were more homies, most of whom were gathered in the pub car park while a car stereo blasted out a compilation of hoary old 80s hits. Surely we haven't got to the point yet when Belouis Some and Go West are retrospectively hip, have we??

One aspect of Oxford United that remains Football League standard is its splendid 68-page match programme, stuffed full of fascinating features like, er, Elton Wellsby's World Of Cheese, how hilarious it is that Chinese people apparently mix their l's and r's up, some familiar-sounding Town vs Gown stuff, and a riveting guide to Cambridge which included a list of famous residents such as a 'Steve Hawkins.' Never heard of the bloke myself, although I'd have thought they might have mentioned Dr Stephen Hawking somewhere...

Having paid a small fortune for our seats, it was nice to discover that they were at least heated, the blazing sun having thoughtfully warmed them up for us. There we discovered that although United had kept faith in last week's 3-5-2 formation, due mainly to a complete lack of fit full-backs, Mark Peters and Wayne Purser were absent through injury. This meant a debut for Jordan Collins' elder brother Aidan at centre-back, newly signed from Ipswich, and a return to the No.9 shirt for local boy Dan Chillingworth after a less-than-triumphant spell at Nene Park.

On Chilli's last visit to Oxford with the U's in March 2004, he scored twice in a 2-2 draw, while on United's last trip to the Kassam in December of that year, they lost 2-1 with their goal scored by Jermaine Easter. Wonder whatever happened to him?

After Monday's debacle, Oxford changed from 3-5-2 to 4-4-2 and gave debuts to new signings Mickey Corcoran and Martin Foster, while other familiar faces included the permanently lank-haired Chris Hargreaves, dreadlocked veteran Rufus Brevett, nippy menace Yemi Odubade and target man Robert Duffy, astoundingly top scorer at the Kassam after scarcely resembling a footballer, let alone a goalscorer, in his unhappy spell at the Abbey last season. The visitors' squad included three ex-Oxford men in Danny Brown, Courtney Pitt and sub Rob Wolleaston.

Proceedings got off to a quiet start, both sides circling each other warily like packs of hungry hyenas, each aware of their own and their opponents' fragile levels of confidence. First corner to the hosts on 3 was fired over by Foster and dealt with confidently by the commanding figure of Collins in a portent of much of Oxford's goal attempts for the next ninety minutes.

First save of the day was made on 6 by Shane Herbert when Barry Quinn's cross set Duffy up for a header. Three minutes later a misunderstanding between Pitt and Brown allowed Odubade to break away down the middle, but his shot from the edge of the box was well wide of the far post.

United's first chance came on 11, and a decent one it was too as good work down the right by Jon Brady culminated in a low cross to David Bridges, ghosting in from deep, who fired narrowly wide of the far post. Oxford remained marginally on top as United's wing-backs remained cautiously deep, leaving the front two relatively isolated as Robbie Simpson and Chilli chased everything that moved.

Home captain Phil Gilchrist nodded a Foster free-kick wide on 17, and Michael Morrison and Andy Duncan repelled further crosses in impressive 'they shall not pass' style. Oxford's pressure continued as they pinned United down in their own half, Duffy heading onto the roof of the net on 25, and fussy ref Hopkins, seemingly phobic towards any sort of bodily contact between players, started a long run of unnecessary bookings by carding Collins on 28 for an innocuous challenge on Duffy. Robbie Simpson faced similar challenges all afternoon to no interest whatsoever.

Then, out of the blue, United took the lead just after the half hour against the run of play. Pitt swung a free-kick in from the right, and there was Duncan rising decisively to power a header home from close range. 1-0!

Just what the doctor ordered. When Rushden accomplished a similar feat on Monday night, it did not take long for the Oxford team to become anxious and nervy and for the crowd to get restive and impatient.

Next inexplicable booking came on 33 for Brady, his challenge even less noteworthy than that of Collins and about as savage and dangerous as Orville The Duck. A good run down the left by Chilli on 37 almost set up Simpson for a shot but he was foiled by a splendid last-ditch tackle from Gilchrist, while Hargreaves blasted wide at the other end three minutes later.

More comedic officiating ensued on 42 when Bridges was penalised for breathing too close to an opponent and booked for his disgusted reaction by a ref who appeared to be earning commission for each card. Two minutes later came that rarest of sights, an Oxford player conceding a free-kick for a foul on an opponent when Foster tripped Smith on the edge of the area, but Brady's free-kick was wellied disappointingly into the wall. Come back, Deano, you weren't that fat really.

Even more remarkably, a home player even found his way into the book just before the break, Foster for a foul on Simpson. Then the interval saw the U's players applauded warmly from the field by the amber hordes after a resilient, steely rearguard performance against increasingly frustrated opponents. Victory was by no means assured, but a repeat of Stevenage looked distinctly unlikely.

After absorbing some cheering half-time news - Darren Ferguson continuing Keith Alexander's admirable losing run at Posh and our favourite rule-benders Boston getting gubbed 4-0 at home by Matt Bloomer's new side, Grimsby - hostilities resumed between two unchanged teams.

There remained little between the sides, United continuing to err on the cautious side but venturing forward whenever the opportunity arose, while the hosts continued to huff and puff in a vain attempt to bring back their dominant early season form.

Brown trundled an effort wide on 49, Hargreaves responded by lifting one over the bar, and the man in black took the opportunity to warn Shane Herbert early about any potential timewasting at goal-kicks. The cards were obviously burning a hole in his pocket.

Odubade looked to be the danger man for Oxford with his pace and dribbling, and on 55 he wriggled into the box as United players stood off him, aware that the slightest touch would result in a penalty award from the trigger-happy ref, so far all too happy to award the hosts a free-kick whenever one of their players tumbled to the floor. Odubade slipped the ball inside to Duffy, but he reverted to the slow, bumbling fumbler that trundled around the Abbey last season and failed to make the most of a good chance.

But the warning bell had been sounded, and two minutes later Odubade repeated the trick. This time his run climaxed in a cross across the box, and there was Eddie Odhiambo-Anaclet (to give him his full name) running in to lose his marker Pitt for once to power a header past Herbert for his first league goal in Oxford colours. 1-1.

The home crowd awoke from its slumbers with relief, but the visitors responded well by emerging from their self-imposed shell. Brady sent in a series of testing crosses, Pitt swung a corner right under the crossbar which was just tipped over by keeper Chris Tardif, and his follow-up was flapped away under pressure.

First change of the day on 62 saw the hosts replace 'Broadway' Danny Rose with Andy Burgess, and Christian Smith tried an optimistic long-ranger on 66 which bounced into Tardif's arms. Another soft booking followed two minutes later, Duncan for a powder-puff 'challenge' on Odubade who looked as if a light breeze would have blown him over.

Ref Hopkins now had the bit between his teeth, and following an uneventful ten minutes he managed to book Simpson for yet another 50-50 non-foul on Brevett. He finally got his ultimate wish on 80 when Smith lunged for a bouncing ball in Foster's direction, without making contact. Rash, but hardly malicious. The man in black saw flashing studs and positively galloped gleefully to brandish a triumphant red card in the hapless midfielder's direction.

United set their jaws to 'gritty determination' and Foster shot wide before Rob Wolleaston was introduced in place of Chilli, who was applauded appreciatively from the pitch by the amber horde for his hard day's work. Josh Simpson followed three minutes later to provide more fresh legs in place of Bridges.

The visitors continued to resist stoutly, the three centre-backs all outstandingly strong and well supported by the wing-backs wide and Brown just in front, while Simpson was a tireless outlet for every clearance. Brown dispatched a Burgess corner on 86 and with three minutes of normal time remaining Oxford went for broke, Marvin Robinson and Gavin Johnson coming on for Anaclet and Brevett.

Hopkins managed one more booking at the end, another pointless punishment for Pitt, and he signalled five additional minutes but added six. United held firm, however, steely defence repelling all boarders and the last couple of minutes actually belonged to the visitors as they held possession to gain a thoroughly deserved draw, despite the man in black's best efforts.

It would be easy to be disappointed with 'only' a point, given United's poor league position and Oxford's mediocre form, but this was a good point hard won, and sets the U's up for what must now be a run of points to haul ourselves up the table. The players can do it as long as they don't let their standards slip, and they believe in their own abilities. And hopefully the rest of the refs this season will actually have some idea of how to run a football match.

Player Ratings
Herbert 8. Looked confident and solid as a rock. Paul who?
A.Collins 8. Impressive and assured debut from the big man.
Morrison 9. Back to his best.
Duncan 9. Rose to the occasion superbly.
Brady 8. Tireless worker who made valuable contributions both defensively and with some cracking crosses.
Bridges 7. Not as effective as last week but a decent contribution.
Brown 8. At the heart of everything again.
C.Smith 7. Excellent again and unlucky to be dismissed by RoboRef.
Pitt 7. Another hard-working effort.
Chillingworth 7. Thoroughly decent return to the colours.
R.Simpson 8. Slogged away up front for 90 minutes despite continual unpunished rough treatment from his markers.

Wolleaston 6. Steady last ten minutes.
J.Simpson 6. Lively late sub.

Match Summary
United's character shone though again with a battling and deserved draw against difficult opposition, including the referee from Hell. If they can survive this, they can survive just about anything.

Man of the Match
Andy Duncan. Had to be even more of a leader than usual with Peters' absence, and rose to the occasion with inspirational tackling and heading plus a vital first goal of the season.

Ref Watch
Hopkins 0. Where on Earth do you start with this joker? This was the most clueless, officious, out-of-touch and downright incompetent displays of 'refereeing' that many veteran supporters had ever had the misfortune to witness. Like a teacher who is so personally inadequate that he can only instil discipline by force, this short little chappie could only assert his 'authority' by throwing cards around willy-nilly for the most laughably trivial of offences. And the triumphant, hasty relish with which be brandished his red card at Christian Smith was truly nauseating.
For United to have six players booked and one sent off in a game almost devoid of bad tackles was truly preposterous, and a stark contrast to the excellent ref we had last week who booked just one player in the last minute. He did not even have the guts to punish the home players for the same 'offences' for which he punished the visitors. The only consolation is surely that we will not see Mr Hopkins again, because any assessor worth his salt will hopefully write him off as a hopeless case who would be probably better off working out his apparent small-man power issues with a psychiatrist. He clearly has no understanding of the game of football, as it is played, whatsoever.

Soundtrack of the Day
Switches 'Drama Queen'

JB's Jukebox
Jon Brady assesses the Kassam Stadium sounds. "Y'know, me old Pommie bludgers, I've been around the Conference for yonks now, and nothing gives me the irrits more than lazy football clubs who just slap on some compilation album rather than put some bloody thought into their pre-match music! Some of them couldn't organise a fart in a bean factory! But blow all that, Oxford is the exception that proves the rule 'cos they've got some right pearlers! They had some cracking New Wave hits from The Jam, Buzzcocks, the Only Ones, the Undertones and Martha & The Muffins, some decent dancey-rocky-type-stuff like Underworld, the Shamen and Stereo MCs, and some pretty fair-dinkum late 80s stuff like the Stone Roses, Happy Mondays and the La's. Throw in the Killers, Reef, Republica and - holy guacamole! - some Classic Rock in in the truly ripper Thin Lizzy and you've got a combo that the dog's cojones! No flies on these guys!" JBJ verdict: 9/10

Andrew Bennett

Now talk about it on the message board!

Previous match reports:
U's 3-0 Woking
Rushden & Diamonds 3-1 U's
Stevenage 4-1 U's
U's 0-1 Stafford
U's 1-2 Burton
U's 0-1 Rushden & Diamonds
Histon 5-0 U's
Woking 0-1 U's
U's 0-2 St Albans
U's 1-3 Morecambe
U's 3-0 Gravesend
Grays 1-1 U's
Northwich 2-0 U's (FA Cup Qual)
U's 0-3 Oxford
U's 1-2 Crawley
U's 2-2 Altrincham
Burton 2-1 U's
U's 1-0 Stevenage
U's 1-1 Kidderminster
Forest Green 1-1 U's
U's 1-3 Exeter
Dagenham 2-0 U's
U's 1-2 Halifax
St Albans 1-1 U's
U's 0-1 Northwich Victoria

Pre-season match reports:
Histon 0-0 U's (3-4 on pens)
U's 1-3 Norwich
Fakenham 0-7 U's
Enfield FC 0-2 U's
Cambridge City 0-2 U's
U's 4-4 Ipswich
U's 0-4 West Ham
Bury Town 1-2 U's
Leyton 0-3 U's

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