U's 0-1 Colchester: U's on Snooze
A sparsely attended pre-season friendly in late July is no place to be if you suffer from kenophobia (fear of empty spaces) or monophobia (fear of solitude). However, if you are prone to enochlophobia (fear of crowds) or ligyrophobia (fear of loud noises) you can attend with the knowledge that you will not be troubled.
Attending a football match, though, is not recommended if you are troubled by genuphobia (fear of knees) or kakorrhaphiophobia (fear of failure), unless you are confident your team will avoid defeat, and you should avoid the Main or South Stands if you are prone to kathisophobia (fear of sitting down). And supporting the Mighty U's is not something anyone should get into if they have a tendency for katagelophobia (fear of ridicule), although it should not concern you if you have chrometophobia (fear of money). Just be careful to avoid the Chinese restaurant over the road if you can't contain your consecotaleophobia (fear of chopsticks).
One thing is for certain: you are perfectly safe in supporting the U's if you suffer from omphalophobia (fear of belly buttons) now Messrs Crow and Reason have gone, and attending the Abbey will definitely not aggravate your pteronophobia (fear of being tickled by feathers), omphalophobia (fear of otters) or arachibutyrophobia (fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth).
But if you do suffer from phobophobia (fear of phobias) or pantophobia (fear of everything), I recommend you just stay indoors. And if your bugbear is hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia (fear of long words)… sorry!
Martin Ling has made a conscious decision not to try to tempt the 'big clubs' to the Abbey for pre-season on the extremely sound basis that playing teams like Colchester and Orient will provide a much more useful test for his burgeoning squad that the likes of Liverpool's fifteenth team, all they can send while the first team tries to sell more replica shirts in Bangkok or Effingham, Kentucky or wherever on Earth they are this week. 81 intrepid Colchester supporters boosted the modest attendance to 941 on a balmy, clear summer's evening.
The visitors arrived under the management of veteran John Ward, previous boss Aidy Boothroyd having been tempted away to Coventry at the end of last season, and they sported a couple of new signings, Andy Bond and Brian Wilson, in a strong starting line-up which included the experienced striker Clive Platt (playing his last game for Colchester before joining his old boss at the Ricoh Arena) and long-serving Kem Izzet, plus the palest man in football, the diminutive David Perkins in midfield. Rumour has it he has to wear a burkha to keep the sun off when it is hot, but it doesn't impair his vision on the pitch.
United's line-up: Naisbitt; Roberts, Coulson, Saah, Jennings; Willmott, Miller, Russell, Platt; Gray, Wright.
A conventional 4-4-2 saw Simon Russell handed a start in central midfield alongside Adam Miller, while wingers Robbie Willmott and Conal Platt switched flanks regularly throughout the first half. Lone trialist Wayne Gray, fresh from scoring at Lowestoft, was paired with Danny Wright up front in what was apparently his last chance to secure himself a contract, while Messrs McAuley and Clare remained absent and Dave Partridge was unwell.
United sported the green-and-white Greene King strip while Colchester were all in red, Danny Naisbitt avoiding any possible clash with a sober grey jersey, while his opposite number Ben Williams opted for a fairly challenging all-purple ensemble which made him resemble a giant beetroot.
Colchester had thus far kept five consecutive clean sheets in pre-season, including a goalless draw at Lowestoft a week ago, and they would provide useful opposition on Ian Darler's immaculate green sward. The atmosphere was predictably muted with so many gaps around the terraces and seating, but the only real point of the evening was the teams' continued progress towards full match fitness, Colchester's league season starting a week before that of the hosts.
First corner of the night went to the U's (that's 'our' U's; I shall simply refer to Colchester as, er, 'Colchester') and first shot went to the visitors (that's 'Colchester') when the lively, glow-in-the-dark Perkins fired high and wide. United's first effort came from Gray on 4 but his shot was slowed down by Pat Baldwin and it trundled on to Williams.
Miller found Willmott on 7 but he delayed his shot and saw it blocked away for a corner. It was a lively, committed encounter with both sides giving their all, and Willmott's enthusiastic challenge on Bond on 13 almost gave the hapless midfielder an impromptu vasectomy, but he recovered after a sympathetic tummy rub from the physio. Sensible ref Wright contented himself with a stiff word rather than waving a card, which he doubtless would have done in a more formal setting.
The ensuing free-kick was curled just wide from twenty yards by Anthony Wordsworth as Naisbitt watched it sail by with either bluff confidence or well-disguised terror. The United custodian comfortably gathered an Ian Henderson flick shot on 16, but Colchester were now beginning to dictate the pace, driven on by Perkins and Izzet, while the hosts were struggling to provide their front two with a supply line from which they could profit.
Perkins next curled a shot goalward which Naisbitt tipped away, Platt offside on the follow-up, and a United defence well marshalled by Brian Saah and Josh Coulson, with the help of James Jennings, held firm against a string of crosses and free-kicks. When the U's did attack, too many high balls were aimed at Gray rather than the taller Wright, and neither winger made much of an impression down the flanks.
On the half hour Naisbitt's rather weak punch from Wilson's cross found its way to Wordsworth, and his powerful cross-shot whizzed across the six-yard box and away to safety, while a couple of minutes later Henderson hammered his shot over the top.
On 35 Willmott, now playing on the left, cut inside onto his right foot to plant a shot just wide of the back stick, and three minutes later United's best move of the half saw Gray find Willmott, and his disguised through ball found Russell darting across the Colchester box, but his shot was blocked away by Williams from close range with the help of a defender.
The visitors responded with a break which culminated in Izzet setting up Perkins, who fired over the top, but four minutes from the break they were ahead with a goal of the utmost simplicity: Marc Tierney floated a cross into the centre of the box, and Henderson sneaked between Coulson and Saah to bullet a header past the helpless Naisbitt. The crowd went mildly enthusiastic: 1-0.
Their lead was just about deserved on the balance on play, plus the fact that United had not tested Williams in any meaningful way more than once, but it had been a more than useful workout so far. The interval saw Abbey legend Wayne Hatswell make a welcome return from his pan-European exploits with Dundalk to draw the Golden Gamble winner, to warm applause.
Colchester emerged for part two a good few minutes before United, who had withdrawn the injured Kevin Roberts for promising CRC youngster Jonathan Thorpe. A neat corner routine from the U's saw the ball worked back to Jennings in the left channel and his superbly struck, wickedly curling cross was just begging for a touch into the net as somehow everyone managed to miss it.
United were exposed on 50 when Platt threaded the ball through to Henderson, but he screwed a good chance wide, and four minutes later Paul Carden replaced Wright and the U's went to 4-3-3, with Gray flanked by Willmott and Platt up front. On 57 the intrepid Thorpe was fed by Carden and advanced before flashing a good shot goalward which was deflected away for a corner.
On the hour Clive Platt's last action in a Colchester shirt was to have a shot blocked away for a corner, then he was replaced by the hulking Kayode Odejayi. Bond miscued over from a corner on 62, then Adam Marriott came on for Conal Platt to take his place in the front three. Two minutes later a flash of Maz genius saw him dance past three opponents before tumbling to gain a free-kick on halfway. But the resultant free-kick foundered on the dominant Colchester defenders' heads.
On 66 Coulson found Gray with a long ball and after some nice footwork of his own he fired just wide of the far post; one sensed if that had gone in, the contract would have been waiting for him when he came off. Carden was next to test the ref's card-free resolve with a clattering of Baldwin that again just earned him a verbal warning. He was then joined in midfield by Sam Ives, who replaced Miller.
The most significant moment for the hosts arrived on 70. Ives' channel ball found Marriott bearing down on goal but he was dragged to the ground by Paul Reid just as he was about to shoot. Stonewall penalty, and although Gray and Willmott hung hopefully around the penalty spot, there was only going to be one taker.
Maz stepped up, but in a stuttering, hesitant style as if he was trying too hard to be clever instead of trusting his instinct, and although it was decently struck, Williams could see where it was headed and dived well low to his right to push it away. Perhaps young Adam had tried too hard instead of just putting his foot through it.
Saah nodded the ensuing corner wide, and after Naisbitt had caught a Bond header on 75, the U's captain was withdrawn in favour of Blaine Hudson. Willmott was the pick of United's attack, enjoying his role as part of a front three and ever eager to cut inside and unleash a powerful shot goalwards, but he usually found a body in the way to block.
Henderson had a shot deflected wide on 77, Russell blasted over on 79, then the linesman's flag bizarrely signalled a change in assistant, doubtless due to some sort of injury.
For all United's industry and movement, they had failed to set up Gray with the goal he desperately wanted or to force Williams into many difficult saves. Russell went for glory on 86 when he intercepted a pass and thrashed a shot just over the angle from 25 yards, and Willmott had another shot deflected away, but it was not to be, and it was two defeats in a row for the U's.
In the grand scheme of things the result was not that important and as a team they had given a side two levels above them a good run for their money. The defence looks solid, the midfield sports a good mixture of silk and steel, and the only thing it lacks at the moment is goals. Perhaps Daryl Clare will provide the missing link. Hopefully we will find out very soon; after all, they don't want to set off my athazagoraphobia (fear of being forgotten or ignored)…
Statto Corner
Wayne Gray played for nine clubs before his arrival at the Abbey, but only faced the U's twice, home and away for Southend in the 2004-05 season. He failed to score in the Shrimpers' 2-0 away win and the clubs' meeting at Roots Hall finished goalless.
United faced Colchester's reserve side in all of their seven seasons in the Eastern Counties League in the 1950s. They first faced the Essex U's first team in a pre-season friendly at the Abbey on 10th August 1964, and they beat their illustrious Football League opponents 2-1, repeating the trick 3-0 the next year before succumbing 3-5 at Layer Road in pre-season 1966.
The teams next met in United's first season in the Football League, 1970-71, and although the Cambs U's grabbed two points in a 2-1 win at the Abbey, they lost at Layer Road three times as Colchester knocked them out in the first round of both the League Cup and the FA Cup.
In all the clubs have met 32 times in the League (17 wins for Cambs, 12 for Colchester, and no draws at all at the Abbey), three times each in the FA Cup and League Cup, and once each in the Freight Rover Trophy, the Autoglass Trophy, the Auto Windscreens Shield and the LDV Vans Trophy.
The clubs' pre-season tradition continued in the years 1978-80 when they joined Ipswich and Norwich in the Willhire Cup, a four-way East Anglian championship in which the teams played each other just once each. And their last two meetings before this year were also in pre-season friendlies at the Abbey: United ran out 3-2 winners in 2003 with goals from Dave Kitson, Adam Tann and John Turner, and three years ago a Lee Boylan strike gave the U's a 1-1 draw against a Colchester side whose starting line-up included Tuesday's starters, Izzet and Platt.
Player Ratings
Naisbitt 6. Looked reasonably safe, although for me Simon Brown has the greater physical presence.
Roberts 6. Injured during the first half and had a quiet 45 minutes.
Coulson 7. Fine, solid, no-nonsense defending.
Saah 7. His usual imperious self.
Jennings 8. Very impressive indeed.
Willmott 8. Robbie has hit the ground running this year.
Miller 7. Just the sort of combative character we need in the middle.
Russell 7. Probably more effective wide, but always a hard-working asset to the team.
Platt 7. Highly promising and could do great things once he established an understanding with Jennings down the left flank.
Wright 6. Getting there slowly.
Gray 7. A real trier although his service wasn't the best; he needs balls to run on to, not aimed at his head with an enormous centre-back breathing down his neck.
Thorpe 7. Another exciting prospect off the conveyor belt.
Carden 6. Still playing himself in.
Marriott 6. Quite a slow start to pre-season, but the signs are there. Shouldn't think so much before taking a penalty.
Ives 6. Decent showing.
Hudson 6. Assured late cameo.
Match Summary
United continued to ease their way towards match sharpness with a useful runout in which they matched Colchester for much of the time but have yet to find their scoring boots.
Man of the Match
James Jennings. It looked like we would have a hard job replacing Anthony Tonkin, but JJ is just as good defensively and on the overlap, and he's a darned sight younger too. Great signing.
Ref Watch
Wright 8. Authoritative but sensible, and always tried to make the game flow.
Soundtrack of the Day
Sharon Jones & The Dap-Kings "Better Things"
Andrew Bennett
Andrew's previous match reports
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