In a glittering ceremony last night at the Menthol Hippo Gentlemen's Club, Six Mile Bottom, the gongs were handed out at the Cambridge United Football Awards 2010 (sponsored by Walkers Crisps) by genial host That Bloke from St Ives Who Was on Big Brother Once. The roll of honour was as follows:
The Icelandic Tourist Board Commemorative Novelty Erupting Volcano goes to the explosive goal machine Danny Crow.
The Baldrick 'Cunning Plan' Gold (At Least I Think It's Gold) Encrusted Codpiece for Most Cunning Plan: Martin 'I Have A Cunning Plan' Ling.
The Fagin 'I'm Reviewing The Situation' Piggy Bank for Financial Prudence: George Rolls (presented by text message in his absence).
The Jurgen Klinsmann Memorial Swimming Cap and Goggles: York City's Richard Brodie.
The Red Arrows Formation Team Diving Award: Mansfield Town.
The 'Birdman of Alcatraz' Symbolic Open Cage for Best Fresh Start: Aiden Palmer.
The Danger Mouse Memorial Eyepatch for Best Penfold Lookalike: Greg Reid.
The Judith Chalmers 'Wish You Were Here and Shouldn't Have Gone to Brighton' Tanning Salon Season Ticket: Chris Holroyd.
The Father Christmas 'Once A Year' Commemorative Engraved Cannonball: Paul 'Goal of the Season' Carden.
The Dr Who 'If I Could Turn Back Time' Airfix Model Tardis: Gary Brabin.
The Ian Ormondoyd 'Lankiest Beanpole' Beanpole: Blaine Hudson (by a nose from Laurie Walker).
The Andrew Lloyd Webber 'Somewhere Over The Rainbow' Pot of Gold for Services to Irish Tourism: Wayne Hatswell.
The 'Best Player In The World This Week' signed portrait of Lionel Messi: Adam Marriott.
The Abbey Stadium 'Forgot He Wasn't There' Memorial Pavior and Plaque was awarded jointly to Jon Challinor and Mark Beesley.
The Hallmark Gold-Plated Hen's Teeth for rarity of goals: Lee Phillips.
The Acme Roadrunner 'Meep Meep!' Running Shoes for Fastest Thing on Two Legs: Scott Neilson, closely followed by Jordan Patrick.
The Gok Wan Fabulous Matching Pearl Necklace and Twinset for Campest Footwear go to Histon's Daniel Sparkes for his divine pink and lilac boots.
The John Motson Commemorative Sheepskin for Most Frequent Use of the Word 'Smuggling': Mark Johnson.
The Nick Kayman Embroidered Boxer Shorts for Looking Good in Powder Blue: Danny Potter and Simon Brown.
The Monty Python 'Tim-berr!' Lumberjack Checked Shirt for Most Frequent Faller: Calum Willock.
The Basil Fawlty Novelty Souvenir Earmuffs for Most Subtle Managerial Inspiration: Steve Evans and Paul Raynor.
The Bungle & Zippy 'Rainbow' Colouring Set for Loudest Boot Collection: Robbie Willmott.
The Green Party Special 'Knit Your Own Muesli' Kit for Services to Recycling: Tony Roach.
The Delia Smith Simple Cookbook for Happiest Eater: Jai Reason.
The Milk Marketing Board Empty Milk Crate for Least Bottle: Oxford United (accepted by a tearful Anthony Tonkin).
The Buck's Fizz 'Boom Bang A Bang' Eurovision Silver Clef for Most Profound Lyrics goes to the NRE for the 'La La La La La Song.'
The Irn Bru 'Made From Girders' Hard Man Iron Bar: Brian Saah.
The Hotel Babylon Revolving Door of Doom for Highest Number of Failed Managers: Peterborough United.
The Bear Grylls 'Dauntless' Swiss Penknife for Determination and Persistence is shared by Josh Coulson and Rory McAuley.
The Brimson Brothers Caveman's Club and Loafers for Most Old-School Casual Hooligans: Luton Town.
The Blue Peter Tortoise Effect Running Slippers for Consistency: Dan Gleeson.
The Three Little Pigs 'House of Straw' Award for Shoddiest Construction: Chester City.
The Geri Halliwell 'Ginger Power' Union Jack Minidress (Honorary) goes to Simon Russell.
The Stephen Hawking 'No-On Likes a Smartass' Autographed Fact Book for Being Quite Good Actually, Dammit: Graham Westley.
The Yorick 'Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow' Memorial Skull for Most Missed Character: Courtney Pitt.
The Heather Small 'Search For The Hero' Commemorative Wig for Most Inspiring Person: Jez George.
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It is a rare occasion indeed for U's supporters to go to the last game of the season able to relax totally, knowing that nothing rests on the match and there are no playoffs coming up to jangle the nerves even further. Unless you count the thrilling 'Race for Tenth Place' as nerve-jangling.
For the first time since United entered the Conference, the travelling army was able to enjoy a pleasant trip on a beautifully warm, sunny day to see its team bring the season to a close under no pressure whatsoever. Even the players whose contracts are up for renewal must surely already know if they will be offered a new one on Monday, and no single performance now could change Martin Ling's mind.
An impressive 310 supporters made the long trip north-west, some encountering the Barrow squad in Norton Canes Services as they made the opposite journey on their way to Impington for the village people's nail-biting relegation battle, and a convivial choice of welcoming social club or pleasant nearby pub made for a nice warm-up.
The total attendance on the day was, at 1,576, Altrincham's third largest of the season excluding their expunged local rivals Chester, only Luton and Mansfield having attracted bigger crowds to Moss Lane this term. The home numbers were boosted by the prospect of witnessing club goalscoring legend Colin Little's last game in the red and white stripes at the age of 37 before he takes up a coaching role at Old Trafford.
Moss Lane is a classic old-fashioned football ground, a mixture of slightly delapidated, higgledy-piggledy stands seemingly held together by aging advertising hoardings, only two of which contained seating, and the away contingent was allocated a nice olde worlde uncovered terrace behind one goal, next to the poky portacabin toilets immediately adjoining the burger stall. The home sections seemed sparsely populated, particularly at the United end, but you just knew that there would be an influx of locals moving from one end of the ground to the other at half-time: proper non-League.
They did not appear on the surface to have been dismayed by manager Graham Heathcote's programme notes, a litany of gloom about how exhausted he was and how difficult it is just to survive for a small part-time club at this level. He has achieved miracles over the last few years, but I still had to stop reading it before a cloud of depression formed over my head, too.
It remained pleasantly sunny, with just a hint of light cloud to temper the spring rays, and United warmed up with the same team that started last week's win over Hayes & Yeading except for the replacement of Adam Marriott with Lee Phillips, drinking, one suspected, in the last chance saloon. Robbie Willmott was welcomed back to the bench for the first time since his injury at Forest Green on 20th February, while Adam Carden, younger and more hirsute brother of our very own Paul, was a substitute for the hosts.
United got off to a breezy start with a corner in the first minute, Alty winning their first one three minutes later, skipper Greg Young flicking Nicky Clee's flag-kick over the top. The visitors began to make good use of the flanks, with wide men Scott Neilson and Simon Russell combining well with their respective full-backs Dan Gleeson and Aiden Palmer, but their crosses, although decent, were repelled by the home defence's heads.
Little was clearly desperate to get on the scoresheet on his swan-song appearance, and his first effort on goal was an ambitious angled long-ranger on 9 which was comfortably clutched by an unflappable Simon Brown. The sides continued to knock the ball around in a fairly pleasing if rather laid-back, end-of-season way, and thought began to drift towards the summer and the upcoming World Cup. And just how good are those Bratwurst Sausage and Spaghetti Bolognese flavour World Cup crisps?
The flow of crosses continued from United's flanks, Gleeson almost finding Phillips on 17 after a good build-up, then Palmer finding the head of Rory McAuley but he saw it late and could only guide it into the gloves of home keeper Stuart Coburn. Palmer's next cross found Phillips, but he could not guide his header on target.
Carden sent a long-range free-kick trundling wide on 23, then Neilson burst into the box between two defenders onto a bouncing through ball, but it would not sit right for him and he toe-poked wide under pressure.
First real drama of the afternoon came on 27. Young pursued a cross that was going out of play past the far post in the United box, but his marker Brian Saah followed him and just gave him a little nudge in the back as he gave chase. The ball was probably already dead, but ref Clark had no doubt: penalty. Saah was not booked, but Gleeson was for his protests.
It was a perfect opportunity for Little to cap his final game in style after an injury-interrupted season which has seen him mostly used from the bench. But Brown had other ideas, and although Little's kick was well enough struck, the big U's custodian dived smartly to his left to beat it away. A little revenge, perhaps, for the final game of last season when Alty came to the Abbey and smothered United's attempt at snatching the championship in a dour, time-wasting defensive blanket.
The teams continued to press and probe each other. Shaun Densmore had a shot grasped by Brown on 35, and two minutes later Crow capped a fine one-touch passing move with a swerving shot which was plucked from the air by Coburn.
No breakthrough seemed to be forthcoming, however, and Crow had the last shot of the half on 45, a speculative curler well wide of the far post. It had all been rather laid-back really, in keeping with the weather, but United had played some neat stuff on occasion and now truly looked like a smooth-passing Ling team. A few more goalmouth thrills in part two would be nice, though.
The second half resumed in similar vein, however. Josh Coulson, doing a fine job of keeping Little quiet, blocked a Densmore shot on 51, then Little mishit a hopeful shot across goal which Peter Doran tried to divert in beyond the far post, but Saah's challenge forced him to balloon well wide.
Little fizzed another shot wide on 55, spurning the chance to square it to a colleague - and who could blame him - while on 57 Russell's corner found the head of an unmarked Gleeson in the middle, but he nodded disappointingly over. A minute later Adam Carden replaced Anthony Danylyk to do battle with his big brother, while on the hour Doran fired speculatively over the top.
Robbie Willmott was next to join the fray in place of Neilson, an exciting talent of whom one suspects we may sadly have seen the last. Then on 67 Phillips was withdrawn after another barren afternoon for the man of the moment, Marriott.
There was some amusement when the ref overruled his better-placed assistant to award a corner to the U's, which earned James Smith a booking for dissent, but on 70 came the hosts' best chance so far from open play when a marginally offside-looking Chris Senior raced clear, cut inside Coulson but was foiled by a fine reaction save from Brown to his goalbound shot, and with support arriving in numbers, he blasted the rebound halfway to Northwich.
Jai Reason replaced the splendid McAuley on 72, and three minutes later his ball into the box led to the opening goal. He found Carden, of all people, in the centre-forward position, and he shielded it then laid off to Marriott, who ghosted in unmarked from nowhere to lash an unequivocal shot past Coburn with his right foot. He's done it again: 1-0.
The visitors' lead could have been doubled within a couple of minutes. Willmott's excellent through ball sent Crow away down the middle, and his deft flick with the outside of the foot was very well saved low down to his left by Coburn.
United were now in control. With ten minutes remaining Michael Welch replaced Robbie Lawton for the hosts, then Reason led a counter-attack, spraying it wide for Marriott to beat his man they provide a pinpoint return pass for the galloping Reason to run onto and fire low for goal, Coburn making a smart save to foil a fine move.
On 87 Little was replaced by John McAliskey to a warm, appreciative ovation from all around the ground for a fine pro. I don't think Brown felt guilty about the penalty save, though…
As added time ticked around, there was a final bonus for the amber army. Willmott pushed the ball forward to Marriott, he turned and in an instant had flashed a left-footed shot low past Coburn from a tight angle, unerringly into the far corner of the net. The boy's a bit special. Stunning: 2-0.
There was still time for the teenage prodigy to force one more save from Coburn with a long-range snap shot, then it was all over and time for both teams to salute their supporters after a long, hard season, and for us to return the compliment.
The last few weeks have seen an excitingly promising team start to coalesce, and if Ling can keep the players he wants to keep and strengthen where he wants to strengthen, 2010-11 looks like something to really look forward to. We have seen enough false dawns before, but with a bedrock of young talent spearheaded by Marriott, the most exciting prospect I have seen come from the ranks in forty years of supporting, the base is there to push on next season and truly compete for the big prizes.
Perhaps Walkers will end up doing us a commemorative Cambridge United flavour. What does sweet success taste like?
Statto Corner
Paul Carden today became the first U's player to play against his own brother since Alan Kimble faced his twin, Garry, in a 1-1 draw at Doncaster on 27th March 1989. Alan played left-back while his sibling was on the left wing, marked by Gary Clayton. Other United men have had footballing brothers at other clubs since then (eg Zema Abbey, Ben Sedgemore, Robbie Turner, Dean Holdsworth, Scott Oakes, Tes Bramble, Chris Clarke) but never faced them in the black'n'amber, although Craig and Lee Middleton and Aidan and Jordan Collins have played together for the U's, as did the Kimbles before Garry's departure.
Simon Brown has faced five penalties this season and only conceded two, saving two while the last was off target. His success rate of 60% is the best for a U's keeper since 1970, beating the 50% of Shane Herbert and Scott Howie. Only Keith Branagan has been successful against more spot-kicks in one season, successfully defending four in 1986-87, although he did concede twelve.
No United player has been ever-present this season. Paul Carden made most league starts, 38, while Danny Crow took part in the highest number with 37 starts and four as sub. The only other players to top thirty are Dan Gleeson (31), Jai Reason (31+7), Brian Saah (35) and Lee Phillips (16+16). Nine men started all three FA Cup games while two, Danny Crow and Sam Ives, started all five FA Trophy matches.
Adam Marriott finished as United's third-top league scorer with four goals from two starts and eight from the bench. Danny Crow topped the chart with 19, Chris Holroyd notched 12, and Wayne Hatswell, Scott Neilson and Brian Saah found the net three times.
United used a total of 32 players over the 2009-10 season, four more than last term and one more than in 2007-08. Their first two seasons in the Conference were more turbulent with 38 used in 2005-06 and 41 used in 2006-07, the same number as was used in the club's last Football League campaign. Lowest League number was just 20 in United's first-ever relegation season, 1973-74.
Eighteen different players scored in the league for the U's this term, plus one own goal, exactly the same totals as in the previous two seasons. The count was 21 in 2006-07 and 16 in 2005-06.
The average away attendance at United league matches this season was 2,176 (not including the expunged 1,757 at Chester), the highest figure since they were relegated from the Football League (4,340 in 2004-05); last term it was 1,991 and before that 2,074.
This was helped significantly by Luton Town, and the season's highest attendance of 7,458 at Kenilworth Road was the largest since the 8,664 at Swansea in April 2005. The season's low of 744 at Hayes & Yeading was the smallest since the 634 at Droylsden in April 2008.
Colin Little faced the U's twelve times in his career, scoring twice. He first turned up for Macclesfield Town in the 2003-04 season in two league and two FA Cup encounters, and since then he has come up against United for Altrincham at least once a season. His only goals came in Alty's 5-0 crushing of a dismal U's in 2006-07, and in their 2-1 defeat at the Abbey the following term.
Player Ratings
Brown 9. Brilliant save from the penalty, always looked safe.
Gleeson 9. Right-back masterclass.
Palmer 9. Made a good case for a new contract with solid defending and good linking with Russell down the left flank.
Saah 9. Imperious.
Coulson 9. Absolutely rock solid.
Neilson 7. Decent, busy contribution until withdrawn.
Carden 8. Played a good captain's role.
McAuley 8. Another assured display in the middle of the park.
Russell 9. Terrific wing play.
Crow 7. One of his quieter days but still almost got on the scoresheet, falling one goal short of twenty in the league.
Phillips 6. Tried his best as usual but never looked like scoring, and was thoroughly shown up by his replacement.
Willmott 7. Welcome return and had a respectable half an hour.
Marriott 9. This boy's potential is just frightening. Superb, again.
Reason 8. Good performance with some fine passing.
Match Summary
United signed off the season in style with a classy, compact display of classic 4-4-2 notable for magnificent defending, industrious midfield and wing play and more prodigious goalscoring from the boy wonder Marriott. A splendid way to round it all off.
Man of the Match
Brian Saah. Looked utterly unbeatable.
Ref Watch
Clark 7. Mostly unobtrusive, albeit harsh to book Gleeson for dissent when the hosts committed several more serious fouls.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
Thanks to all of the children whose quotes from 1982-83 school visits to the Abbey have been quoted this season. Let's have a bumper selection of innocent wisdom to finish with:
"On the morning of the match I hurt my knee when I tripped over a hedgehog." (John Ball)
"Les Cartwright came to our school before the match. He told us he likes playing golf. He is very fast with the ball. He has a very powerful right foot. He quite likes chips, eggs, bacon and sausages. Before he came to Cambridge, he had played for Coventry. Les was born in Wales. And he wears a false moustache." (Anonymous)
"On the coach we weren't allowed to sing, so we wrote on the windows and got told off for that as well." (Danus Blanchard)
"It was funny to see the teachers in different clothes. We all sat in our seats and it was dark, but suddenly the floodlights came on. It was as good as on TV. Then three referees came on." (Donna Rowling)
"Burnley players walked past. We pulled funny faces at them. The goals were good. I had a great time." (Owen Banton)
"A policeman came. We asked him which side he wanted to win. He said 'Burnley.' We all booed. I gave him some of my crisps and he nearly took the whole packet, but I pulled them back just in time." (Samantha Veehighsee)
"It looked a good ground. We had seats and were on the front row. I was sitting near an old person who was smoking every five minutes. Me and Darren had good fun. On the way back our teacher Mr Lincoln was extra happy. The score was one nil." (Matthew Wilsher)
"I was a ballboy and I was first out onto the pitch and at first I did not want to go out, but once I was out there it was great. I wish we could go again." (Timmy Smalley)
"At the end I asked for Emlyn Hughes' autograph, but he wouldn't give it to me." (Alex Cornwell)
"We saw Jack Charlton. As he walked past us, he said to Andrew Knight 'What lovely knees you have' and pinched them!" (James Reed)
"On the way Richard Jefferson's dad gave us some Polos, some Refreshers and an apple, and that was very nice of him. During the match some of the Wednesday fans took off their shirts and waved them. It was a great afternoon and afterwards I was sorry it was over." (Marcus Hill)
"Sheffield scored two goals just after half-time. Dad said, 'That's it - another three points down the drain.' But United stormed back to score two goals to level the score. When the second goal was scored, my Mum jumped up so high I thought she would never come down. I enjoyed it so much, so please can I come next year?" (Karen Missen)
Soundtrack of the Day
The Boy Least Likely To "A Fairytale Ending"
Knowing MP3, Knowing U's with Dave Partridge
Dave Partridge lends an ear to the Moss Lane sounds. "All right, you lot! Do you know, I think I'm getting old. I enjoyed hearing the voices of a couple of lovely ladies, Florence with her Machine and Marina with her Diamonds, but I must say, everything else just sounded the same: modern chart stuff, robotic vocals, music by machines. What's it all about, eh?
"If I want to hear robots, I'll go to the originals: Kraftwerk. Listen to proper music - save BBC 6Music! Verdict: 3/10."
Andrew Bennett
Andrew's previous match reports
More Match Photos
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