Andrew Bennett reports:

There are some demanding jobs in football. Alex Ferguson's whisky supplier, for instance, or whoever looks after Ashley Cole's laundry, or the gentleman who changes the names on the door of the Peterborough manager's office. Right up there, too, must be that of ballboy (or girl) at Gateshead's International Stadium. Surrounded by a vast running track and three sides of empty seats, every stray shot or cross means a lung-bursting chase over yards of tarmac, often slippery with puddles as the rain teems down. It's not all glamour in the heady world of our national game, you know.

Gateshead was the last new destination of the season for the amber army following the Tynesiders' promotion from Conference North. The club's badge bears an image of the Angel of the North (no, not Cheryl Cole), although unfortunately if you take the most direct route to the ground, you do not actually get to see that iconic landmark at all.

Early arrivals, and there were plenty of those, had a choice of two pubs nearest the ground: the Schooner is a pleasant hostelry overlooking the foggy river, while the rather more down-to-Earth Pear Tree offered Sky's coverage of the Man U v Chelsea game with Italian commentary, turned down so the locals could enjoy the music of a jukebox which seemed to consist entirely of Dean Martin and Kenny Rogers tunes. Nice.

The stadium is set in a quiet suburb of Gateshead, adjoining a housing estate and a futuristic-looking modern church, all glass and a huge blue plastic cross pointing into the grey spring sky, and opposite an industrial estate whose signage stated in a sign of the times that ten of the eleven units were 'Available.' Or, to put it more prosaically, 'empty.'

Gateshead's home is of course an athletics stadium, and like Rotherham United's current home at Don Valley, all of the crowd are housed in one vast main stand which affords the only cover, while the rest of the ground's unsheltered seats remained eerily empty. With what is effectively a one-sided ground and a huge distance between pitch and spectators, the atmosphere must have been decidedly strange for the players, although it was fine for the crowd itself, in a comfortable stand with a steep rake and the few home supporters indulging in banter only a few rows of seats away.

The elevation of the stand meant that it afforded a fine view of the town, not admittedly the most inspiring of skylines, although apparently Newcastle United's St James' Park would have been visible if a warehouse wasn't standing in the way. The weather was classically Apriline, with bursts of showers followed by interludes of watery sunshine as the grey clouds scudded briefly out of the way of the spring sun.

The rain held off for the first half of today's main event, at least. Martin Ling made four changes from Tuesday's underwhelming starting line-up, with Calum Willock, Simon Russell and Rory McAuley in for Lee Phillips, Antonio Murray and Jai Reason, although Josh Coulson was unlucky to be dropped in favour of Aiden Palmer with Dave Partridge moving to the centre of defence. United had beaten 'The Heed' 3-0 back in August, and only five players remained from the teams which started that day, Brian Saah, Paul Carden and Danny Crow for the U's and Craig Baxter and James Curtis for the hosts, who included former U Andy Parkinson wide right and old foe Daryl Clare up front.

Gateshead's survival bid has been built on a strong home record, having won their last three at the International Stadium against Wrexham, Forest Green and Altrincham, although it was only three weeks ago that they were embarrassed 8-0 at Rushden; in fact they have only won three times away from home all season, and only once since October. Perhaps their home form is influenced by their mascot, a disturbing goat-headed thing with long horns which I'm sure I saw in 'The Devil Rides Out.' All hail The Horned One!

Having both sets of fans housed under one roof made for a lively atmosphere in the Main Stand, and Danny Crow made a positive start on the pitch with a run and curling shot just wide on 2. Thereafter, however, the proceedings began to reflect the grey, dull weather, with very little flowing football from either side. It was eleven minutes until the first corner arrived, McAulet's outswinger cleared by 39-year-old veteran Chris Swailes.

An underhit backpass from Phil Turnbull afforded Willock a chance to break two minutes later, but he could not find a team-mate, then a promising run inside by Scott Neilson ended in a tumble that was not rewarded by a free-kick despite his claims to the contrary.

Gateshead did not threaten at all until Peter Winn swung a free-kick into the box on 19 and Saah was forced to head behind, but Parkinson's corner was cleared by the impressively steady Kevin Roberts. Then Parky latched onto a Clare cross but had his shot blocked by Carden and Turnbull saw a follow-up cleared for a corner by McAuley.

If one were tasked with putting together a highlights package of the first half, it would last for seconds rather than minutes. Turgid beyond belief, the hosts were mediocre hit-and-hope merchants while United were just baffling; despite fielding a two-winger 4-4-2 formation, they insisted on pumping almost everything down the middle to target man Willock, but Crow was rarely close enough to him to profit from any flick-ons.

Neilson again seemed to want to play anywhere except wide, wandering across the field and popping up all over the place, so when the ball did find its way to the right, there was no-one there to profit, while Russell was anonymous and the central creative hub of Carden and McAuley seemed devoid of any inventive ideas. It was hard to believe that most of these players' contracts are up for renewal at the end of the season, unless they really want to move elsewhere.

A match devoid of tempo, passion or any pattern meandered along tediously, Roberts blasting a hopeful long-ranger wide on 29 and the hosts forced into a defensive change three minutes later when Phil Cave replaced the crocked Curtis.

The 'contest' finally burst into life on 38. Andy Ferrell lofted a free-kick into the box, it was half-cleared then headed back in, and the ball found its way to Clare, left totally unmarked near the far post. As the United defenders dashed across to cover, he coolly controlled, evading two lunging attempted tackles, then lashed home from eight yards past the exposed Simon Brown and Roberts on the line. Gift-wrapped: 1-0.

The U's tried to respond, Partridge nodding a Russell free-kick over the bar a minute later, and Palmer threaded a pass to Willock on 43 but his run to goal was halted by a marginal offside flag, a fairly regular occurrence on the day. Willock did manage a header at goal from Roberts' cross a minute later, but could not hit the target.

And so ended a deeply uninspiring and uninspired first half, the hosts no doubt delighted to be in front with the only goal attempt on target from either side, and the 264-strong travelling support could only hope that their heroes would pull themselves together and start to resemble a football team in the second half rather than a random collection of hungover blokes who had just turned up for a half-paced kickabout on a Sunday morning.

Just as it seemed things could not get any worse, the rain began to teem down at the restart and did not let up for most of the rest of the afternoon. There was no discernable improvement in the quality of football, first booking of the day coming on 51 when Graeme Armstrong was penalised for a foul on Palmer, and yours truly was so bored I contemplated listening to the Boat Race. But I wasn't quite that desperate.

Play up, Light Blues. Simon Brown made his first proper save of the day two minutes later, comfortably clutching a tame Clare header, and on 55 came United's best chance so far (OK, only chance so far) when Russell's free-kick from the right found Saah rising above the pack, but with all the goal to aim at his header was travelling wide of the far post until Crow tried to latch onto it, only to be denied by keeper Paul Farman from close range.

Just before the hour Neilson scuffed a shot wide, then he was replaced by Antonio Murray in a double substitution with Phillips coming on for Willock, who in all fairness had done a decent enough job as target man. Sadly, the changes made no difference to the team as they still inexplicably insisted on hoisting high balls towards Phillips, about a useful in the air as Frankie Dettori, rather than playing through midfield or via the flanks. Were they under instructions or just lazy?

On 69 Partridge headed another Russell corner over the top, and four minutes later McAuley blocked a Clare shot wide for a flag-kick to the hosts, still full of honest effort but precious little real quality. A minute later Adam Marriott at last was given the chance many believe he should have got much earlier, replacing Russell as United went 4-3-3, while Wayne Phillips came on for Winn for the hosts.

Disaster struck, however, on 78 when Roberts went down with an ankle injury following a Gateshead corner and after treatment, he was stretchered off, scant reward for United's most reliable outfield player on the day (not that there was much competition). With all three subs used, the U's went to 3-3-3 with McAuley joining Saah and Partridge at the back and Palmer joining Murray and Carden in the middle.

And the change almost paid off a minute later as Palmer made a passable impression of Patrice Evra with a buccaneering, mazy run from deep on the left, eventually cutting it back for Murray to fire a low fizzer goalward which Farman did well to dive and block. Palmer was first to the rebound, and with the whole goal at his mercy, blazed wildly high and wide with his swinger. It was a horrendous miss that was to cost his side the match.

United might have snatched a draw or even an ill-deserved win had they equalised at that point. Instead they were two down within three minutes. Phillips' corner was half-cleared to Parkinson, and his ball into the box was clearly handled by McAuley. Clare swept home the penalty, sending Brown the wrong way. Game over: 2-0.

The hosts brought on Brian Wake in place of Armstrong to stiffen the side up, but United were spent; they looked a beaten, directionless, spiritless side, and the only remaining incident of note was a booking in added time for Wake for a foul on McAuley.

Gateshead had done what they had to do and ground out a fourth consecutive home win to boost their survival hopes. United had been wretched, a team full of soon-to-be out-of-contract players meandering through the afternoon without any semblance of heart, energy or guts. The supporters had spent a lot of money in following their side to the North-East and the team's response had been little short of an insult.

Mr Ling should ask his players and himself, some fairly searching questions about his powers of motivation (totally lacking today) and his ability to communicate tactics and organise a team, because this afternoon they were a mess. The season might be effectively over, but this was just not good enough, and for all the manager's words along similar lines, we want actions and results, evidence that this will not happen again. Being a boss is never an easy job; now we want to see that he, and his players, are up to it. Easter Monday will be a good opportunity to put things right.

Statto Corner

Today's attendance of 841 was Gateshead's fifth highest of the season, beaten only by the visits of York, Oxford, Luton and Brentford (FA Cup) who recorded the Heed's only four-figure attendances this term. It was however the second lowest to see United in the league this season, beating only the 744 at Hayes & Yeading back in October.

Smaller crowds have, though, been recorded in cup competition at Eastbourne (525, FA Trophy), Salisbury (592, FA Trophy) and Lincoln United (837, FA Cup). The Trophy has also seen the only three-figure attendance at the Abbey, 913 against Eastbourne in January.

Daryl Clare today recorded his fifth and sixth career goals against the U's in his ninth game in opposition. After drawing blanks in 2005 for both Boston United and Crawley, he fired four in five games for Burton Albion (two penalties) between 2006 and 2008, including goals in both promotion playoff semi-finals. He last cropped up for Rushden & Diamonds in a goalless draw in November 2008, and has totalled four wins, two draws and three defeats.

Andy Parkinson has now played against United five times, and only tasted defeat once. He turned out for Tranmere in their 6-1 Prenton Park win in November 2001, Lionel Perez dismissed for the U's, and in their 2-1 Abbey defeat in the return, David Bridges and Tom Youngs winning it for the hosts. Then he turned up for Grimsby in the 2004-05 season, scoring in their 2-0 away victory and also participating in their 3-0 Blundell Park triumph in January.

Paul Heckingbottom is a notable name in many ways, and he has played against the U's four times for four different clubs without ever finishing on the losing side: Scarborough (January 1998, 3-2 away), Darlington (April 1999, 0-0) and Mansfield (December 2009, 2-1) before today.

Player Ratings

Brown 7 - Hardly had a save to make and had no chance with either goal.
Roberts 7 - United's best outfield player until unfortunately injured.
Palmer 4 - Not great defensively, caught in possession too easily, and capped an unhappy day with that hideous miss near the end.
Saah 6 - Competent effort.
Partridge 5 - More comfortable at centre-back and kept it simple.
Neilson 4 - Disappointingly individualistic and seemed to want to play everywhere except on the right wing.
Carden 4 - Struggling United looked to their skipper for inspiration and found none.
McAuley 5 - Plugged away gamely.
Russell 5 - The odd good moment but overall too lightweight to make much impression.
Crow 6 - Never stopped working but also never really established a decent understanding with his strike partners.
Willock 6 - Did a decent job as target man, winning his headers and shielding well, and difficult to see what benefit there was in replacing him with Phillips.
Phillips 4 - His only telling contribution was a tackle deep in his own half, which says it all really.
Murray 4 - One good shot to force Palmer's chance, otherwise hard to remember him touching the ball.
Marriott 5 - A few touches of quality but was surrounded by mediocrity.

Match Summary

Lackadaisical United let their long-suffering, loyal support down badly with a 'performance' utterly lacking in energy, shape, inspiration or passion. Anyone who does not want a contract for next season, please leave now.

Man of the Match

Kevin Roberts. One of the few to attain a decent standard and such a shame that it looks like his last action of the season.

Ref Watch

Bankes 7. Moved the game on pretty well, very sparing with the cards, no complaints.

Out of the Mouths of Babes

"There were 32 fouls in the whole game." (Jason Lee)

Soundtrack of the Day

The Moons "Nightmare Day"

Knowing MP3, Knowing U's with Dave Partridge

Dave Partridge lends an ear to the Heed sounds. "All right, you lot! Now I like to think I've got a pretty broad taste in music - I like both heavy rock and hard rock - but what I can't stand is rinky-dink, plinky-plonk nursery rhymes on a keyboard with a drum machine banging away underneath. And what did we get today? Jan Hammer. Robert Miles. Eric Prydz (nice video, mind). And weirdo French disco from Desireless.

"I ask you! This stuff belongs in a lift or a flotation tank. Can we have some proper music next time? Verdict: 0/10."

Andrew's previous match reports

The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.

 Make Your Click Count For The U's - talk about it on the Message Board!

You are respectfully reminded that any article, as with all content on this website, unless otherwise stated, is subject to copyright © and the Official Cambridge United Website must be acknowledged as the original source including all quotes.

WJ290310 web@cambridge-united.co.uk