Andrew Bennett reports:
In 2003 the US military started using music as a form of torture in Iraq, Afghanistan and Guantanamo Bay, tormenting prisoners with deafening and repeated plays of the likes of Metallica, Eminem, AC/DC, Nine Inch Nails, Deicide and, peculiarly (or not) David Gray. Simon Cowell obviously took note and has been inflicting his own musical torture upon the world ever since, but this sinister practice has also spread to football grounds.
At Mansfield on Monday we practically had our eardrums burst by the mindless, wordless chant from the Fratellis' 'Chelsea Dagger' when the hosts scored both their goals; and on New Year's Day we were tortured again, four chuffing times, by the wretched 'Tom Hark' at a volume which was surely high enough to interfere with aerial traffic from Stansted Airport whilst scrambling our own poor, befuddled brains, still recovering from the excesses of the previous night.
United's recent lamentable lack of form meant that only around half of the away ticket allocation was taken up by the amber army but at least the queues and traffic were light on a chilly winter's afternoon for the first game of 2010. Memories of last season's playoff triumphs over Stevenage are already distant memories, but it was a relief to see Brian Saah return to the heart of the defence, as skipper, after missing out due to injury at Field Mill. He accompanied Josh Coulson at centre-back with Rory McAuley moving to right-back to replace broken nose victim Dan Gleeson in an otherwise unchanged side, with Paul Carden still injured and Wayne Hatswell suspended.
Some possible reservations, however, about Saah's fitness meant that CRC's giant defender Blaine Hudson appeared on the bench for the first time, with Jordan Patrick once more taking part in the warm-up but playing no part in the squad of sixteen.
Stevenage were unbeaten at home in the league, having lost only to Port Vale in the FA Cup, and the only change in their starting line-up from Boxing Day was the promotion of ex-U Lee Boylan to accompany Chris Beardsley up front, with Yemi Odubade dropping deeper in place of Eddie Odhiambo.
After some exceedingly peculiar warm-up music - 'The Lion King' followed by 'Yellow Pearl,' Phil Lynott's early 1980s theme to 'Top Of The Pops' - the teams emerged to ovations barely audible above the oppressively loud PA; there must be a law about this. United reverted to their usual change strip of Cambridge Blue after the surprise white and green effort at Mansfield. The amber faithful did their best to generate a decent atmosphere, but some of the last few seasons' edge was missing and the most notable aspect of the ground's ambience was the all-pervading smell of burgers, snapped up along with bacon rolls and chips by New Year celebrants now hungry again after last night's roister-doistering.
The pitch looked rough but playable, with loose mud in either goalmouth, and rolls of snow wrapped in tarpaulin abutted all four sides of the field of play. United got off to a fairly lively start, with Jai Reason's early free-kick finding Danny Crow whose shot cannoned off Michael Bostwick's chest, to hopeful appeals for handball, while on 4 Anthony Tonkin's cross from the byline bounced off the top off the bar but was adjudged to have already curled out of play.
Then the hosts began to get into their stride and forced three corners in four minutes, but despite their aerial superiority which would remain evident throughout the match, the U's held firm against a side who would go top of the Conference should they win today.
A fairly frenetic contest ensued, but the keepers remained well protected, although on 17 Courtney Pitt's cross to the far post found Robbie Willmott stealing in unchecked, but he seemed nervous of the approaching Scott Laird and his tentative eyes-closed header was deflected into the middle of the box where neither Crow nor Chris Holroyd could get near enough to have a go at goal.
United had held their own fairly well so far, but they were undone on 25 by their tendency to give the ball away unnecessarily. Willmott dwelled too long on a ball which had been cleared out to him on the left wing following a U's free-kick, his attempted pass was charged down, and suddenly Stevenage were breaking away with the visitor's defenders committed forward.
Boylan scampered onto a through ball down the right channel and Danny Potter advanced from his goal to block, but it rebounded to Stacy Long and his pinpoint cross to the far post found Yemi Odubade, whose header flew past Coulson on the line with Potter stranded. 1-0.
Coulson was first into the book a minute later for a foul on the acrobatic Beardsley, and shellshocked United were on the back foot for a time, a well-timed Tonkin challenge nipping an Odubade break in the bud, then Long's shot nicked off Coulson for another corner; his flag-kick was nodded across goal by Bostwick, but Beardsley was unable to make contact as it flew wide. United were being overpowered, and their youthful line-up was struggling to find answers to their opponents' uncompromising tackling and harrying. The big bullies.
Then out of the blue United equalised on 38. Some decent passing ended in McAuley being upended by Odubade, Pitt arrowed a powerfully struck free-kick into the box, and the unmarked Crow directed a clever flicked header into the bottom far corner. 1-1!
Now the U's had to hang on until half-time, but Stevenage had other ideas. Long's free kick on 43 found the head of Bostwick, who nodded just over from close range, but in added time they made the breakthrough with a couple of precision passes, Odubade haring down the left onto Long's through ball then finding Boylan with an inch-perfect cross which found the little goal-poacher ghosting between two United defenders to plant a cool, low finish past Potter. 2-1.
The visitors almost responded immediately. A tenacious run from Sam Ives saw the ball run to Holroyd on the left, he crossed into the middle and as keeper Chris Day tried to punch clear his own team-mate, Laird, got in the way; his half-clearance fell to Willmott inside the box, and his first-time volley sizzled past the keeper but also just past the far upright.
It had not been a great half from United, but it had been competitive and they could count themselves a little unlucky to be behind. But their previous two games had been marked by disappointing second-half performances which had resulted in defeat; a hat-trick would be a feat about as welcome as a present of a Dignitas Clinic loyalty card.
The amber army's worst fears were soon realised. David Bridges shot wide for the hosts inside two minutes of the restart, but on 49 they had doubled their lead as they pulled the United defence to pieces. Boylan crossed deep to the far post, Odubade reached it right by the byline, headed it back across, and there was Beardsley, more alert than the U's back line to do what he does best, dive in and nod home from point blank range. 3-1.
One feared the worst. United had created precious little for their strikers, who had run and worked willingly without any real quality service, the wingers had been anonymous in open play, the young central midfield duo had struggled to cope with an overly onerous workload, and the back four had received minimal assistance from those ahead of them and so had been unable to supplement their own team's forays forward. The team was crying out for leadership and an old head to drive them on, but there was none.
Bridges had a shot blocked, Jon Ashton nodded a Long free-kick just over as Stevenage continued to dominate aerially, then a fourth looked certain as Odubade burst easily past the U's back line and was clear one-on-one with Potter; but as the United No.1 advanced to meet him, Odubade took a clumsy touch and the ball ran away from him just enough for Potter to scramble it to safety.
On 55 Saah was next into the book for a foul on the Wobbly Weeblesque Beardsley, and seven minutes later the match really was over as a contest. Long played the ball forward to Boylan, he cut inside and went for goal, and despite the attentions of both Coulson and Tonkin, who both had opportunities to clear the danger, he bundled past the pair of blue-shirted bunglers to sidefoot home past Potter. A wretched goal that truly was the icing on the cack: 4-1.
Martin Ling's answer was to introduce Andy Parkinson to the fray in place of Willmott, who had had one of those days where he had washed his boots and couldn't do a thing with them. Beardsley headed an Odubade corner just over under pressure from Potter on 64, and three minutes United finally created a chance of their own, Parkinson scampering clear down the right channel but with all the goal to aim at, blazed a wild, hopelessly uncontrolled shot well over the top. Very poor.
Long then had a shot deflected wide and his ensuing corner was headed over by Beardsley, and United somehow forced another corner from which Saah also nodded over the bar.
Gradually the match seemed to quieten down, much to the amber hordes' relief who had been fearing a massacre, and on 79 Boylan saw yellow for a dangerous challenge on Coulson as he ran onto an Odubade through ball. Ling proceeded to make a bid for weirdest substitution of the season by withdrawing Pitt in favour of left-back Darryl Coakley and sticking him out on the wing; yeah, that'll turn the game…
Long fired wide on 84, but United's dismal New Year's Day was complete three minutes later. Saah won a free-kick just outside his own box and proceeded to try one of his trademark dribbles out of defence, was dispossessed all too easily, chased back and clumsily brought down Long in an effort to atone for his mistake. There was only one possible outcome: a second yellow and first red card for the stand-in U's skipper. Stupid boy.
Reason soon followed him into the book for an immature, hot-tempered foul on Laird out on the touchline, and it only remained for Stevenage to make the three most pointless substitutions of the season in the three added minutes, Peter Vincenti, Joel Byrom and Mark Albrighton replacing Beardsley, Bridges and Ashton for no apparent reason.
The final whistle came as a blessed relief for the relatively few United supporters left in the stadium, bringing down the curtain on a truly disastrous holiday period in which three defeats were only saved from becoming four by the postponement of the Oxford game just before Christmas.
Ling needs patience and he needs time, but he must prove in the meantime that he can MANAGE a squad not of his choosing and with a queasy (im)balance of promising but inexperienced youngsters and some old hands who are clearly coming to the end of their tenure at the Abbey and must surely know it. Three wins from the last fifteen league games is just not good enough, and although we do not expect miracles, this season has 'MUST DO BETTER' written all over it. Never mind three-year plans, a three-month plan will do for now just to salvage something, anything from the wreckage of this train-crash season. All we want is hope.
Statto Corner
United have not won on New Year's Day since 1991, when they won 2-0 at Preston with goals from Dion Dublin and John Taylor. They have played seven times on that date since then, and lost the lot, to Blackburn, Brighton, Bristol City, Boston, Kidderminster and Histon before today.
The U's have now lost three consecutive matches. The last time that happened was right at the start of 2008, when they lost 1-0 at Histon on New Year's Day, they went on to defeat at Wolves in the FA Cup, Histon (again) in the FA Trophy, and 2-1 at Grays in the league.
The last time United lost three consecutive league games was at this time of year in December 2006/January 2007; in fact they lost six in a row, starting at home to Rushden on Boxing Day, then at home to Burton and away at Kidderminster, Stafford, Stevenage (4-1) and Rushden. And you thought we were bad now… That period was also the last time the U's lost all three holiday fixtures.
The remarkable red card record of United versus Stevenage continued today for the sixth meeting in a row, after the dismissals of Dan Gleeson and Mark Roberts in last term's league meetings, those of Darren Murphy and Scott Laird in the play-off semi-finals, and Wayne Hatswell a week ago. The clubs first met in the FA Cup of 1997-98, when Borough had a player sent off in their first meeting and Paul Wanless and Martin Butler were both dismissed in the replay. The clubs have met a total of 14 times and there have been 11 red cards, six for United; they have never managed to play two games in a row without at least one player getting sent off.
The U's last had two players sent off inside three league matches in August/September 2008, when Ben Farrell was dismissed at home to Kettering and Rory McAuley saw red at Ebbsfleet after an uneventful draw at Weymouth. They last had a man sent off in two consecutive games at the turn of 2008-2009, when Dan Gleeson was dismissed at home to Stevenage on 28th December and Jon Challinor suffered a similar fate at home to Crawley in the FA Cup seventeen days later, with no fixtures in between.
Today's attendance of 3,406 was only two less than the crowd for the same fixture at Broadhall Way on 7th April last year, the hosts winning 2-1. In the playoffs Stevenage attracted 4,446 when they played the U's, only seven more than were at the Abbey on Boxing Day last week.
Player Ratings
Potter 6. Not a lot he could have done about any of the goals, although with a defence this leaky and inexperienced, there must be questions as to whether he is getting involved enough in term of organisation.
McAuley 6. Best of the bunch at the back.
Tonkin 6. Mostly satisfactory, excepting that shambles of a fourth goal.
Saah 5. Had a fairly decent game until he let everyone down with that foolish dismissal.
Coulson 6. Did a reasonable job and one must hope that the defeat, particularly his involvement with the fourth goal, does not put too large a dent in his confidence.
Willmott 4. So electric for the first hour at Mansfield, Robbie was a flat battery today, wasting the ball time and time again.
Reason 5. It is clear now that Jai overachieved last season and he still has much to learn. It was certainly too much to expect him to carry the United midfield today against such formidable opposition.
Ives 5. Overrun for much of the time, but never gave up and can at least put this one down to experience.
Pitt 5. Tremendous free-kick for Crow's goal, but otherwise did not contribute enough as the team's most experienced non-defensive player.
Crow 6. Work rate as high as ever, let down by poor service.
Holroyd 5. Never stopped running or looking for an opening, but did not even get so much as a shot in.
Parkinson 5. Dreadful miss of his one chance summed up his mediocre season, although filled in energetically at right-back when Saah was sent off.
Coakley 5. Peculiar decision to bring him on as a left winger, but did his best.
Match Summary
Youthful United were outgunned, outplayed and ultimately outclassed by a Stevenage side with too much physical and mental nous for them to cope with. Reinforcements are urgently needed.
Man of the Match
Rory McAuley. Stood up to Stevenage physically, always got stuck in and never let his head drop.
Ref Watch
Burt 7. No complaints about a ref who was reasonably sparing with the cards and was left with no choice by Saah's recklessness.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
"Boy, it was cold. At half-time we had some sausage rolls, a cup of tea, some aniseed balls and some chewing gum." (Jonathan Garland)
Soundtrack of the Day
Empire of the Sun "Half Mast"
Parky's Pick of the Pops
Andy Parkinson lends an ear to the Broadhall Way sounds. "All right, lads and lasses? Variety, me mam always used to say, is the spice of life. She also told me I'd get pickun and kewins for me tea if I was late from playing footie but she was only joking, like! Well there was plenty of variety from the 'selecta' at Stevenage today.
"It's nice to heard a cracking tune you've not heard for years so it was great to hear Big Audio Dynamite's 'E = MC2" today, plus some real classy stuff like Steely Dan, Empire Of The Sun, the Noisettes, the Killers and that ginger bird Florence - she's a cracker, in't she? There was also some dancier stuff if you fancied a boogie from Dario G, Chicane and Sonique, and some classic Motown from Martha & The Vandellas, so there was something for everyone, really. Me mam would certainly have approved, even if they didn't play any Cilla! PPP verdict: 8/10."
