Hayes & Yeading 3-0 U's
Saturday 17th October 2009 - Hayes & Yeading 3-0 U's: Hazy & Yielding United
"F.F.S."
The name of the local estate agents on the main Uxbridge Road through Hayes, just around the corner from the football ground, just about summed up the feelings of United's long-suffering travelling army of supporters after they witnessed a second dreadful performance by their heroes in the space of a month against bottom-four opponents who had previously won only one game all season.
It was the first of two forays into the unknown in eight days for the U's against Hayes & Yeading United, formed from the merger of two clubs two years ago and newly promoted via the playoffs this term. The season has so far been a struggle for the new boys, with only one win (away at Ebbsfleet) all season and the lowest attendances in the division, their last four all well below 400; the U's attracted their largest crowd thus far at 744.
Their first team plays at Church Road, Hayes, less than half a dozen miles from Brentford's Griffin Park, while the reserves use Yeading's Warren down the road. Church Road is a quintessential old-fashioned non-League ground, and there is nothing wrong with that. Set in a quiet residential side street, it boasts a massive car park out front alongside a delightful clubhouse which is basically a house covered in crawling maroon ivy.
Inside was a sight to gladden the traditionalist's heart: an elevated seated main stand, but otherwise it was substantial terracing all the way round, all open except for a covered area in the centre of the terrace near the halfway line. It also sported a proper old-school club shop of the type which was once so widespread but is now so rare, with memorabilia, stacks of old programmes to delve into and an old telly showing the official film of the 1966 World Cup.
The substantial amber army was allocated all of one end and half of one side, all on one sweeping terrace, served by a burger van tucked away in one corner and a rather whiffy, basic toilet block which bore a resemblance to the one by the NRE at the Abbey. This was one of those days when the away support outnumbered the homebodies, and the most vocal United fans stationed themselves under the roof near the halfway line, where the acoustics were best.
The matchday programme was a good read, informative and friendly with a good sense of history, and a report on Monday night's youth team game raised a smile with the detail: 'Weather: Dark.'
There was one familiar face in the Hayes line-up in former Stevenage and Cambridge City winger Dale Binns, but although ex-U Abdou El-Kholti appeared on the squad list, he did not make an appearance in the day's squad.
United's team was unchanged from that which defeated Ebbsfleet 4-0 last week, with the injured Andy Parkinson replaced on the bench by Jon Challinor for the first time this season. Exciting CRC winger Jordan Patrick took part in the warm-up, but was rather surprisingly omitted from the squad as Martin Ling preferred to have keeper Laurie Walker on the bench, and only one forward player against the team which would be bottom of the table were it not for Chester's points deduction.
Presumably Patrick was denied any weekend action for the sake of the 'experience' of travelling with the first team squad, although whether that could still be regarded as a wise decision after the final whistle of a torrid afternoon could best be described as debatable.
Both teams lined up in 4-4-2 formations on a grey, overcast day with a hint of winter's chill in the air, and with the vast quantity of terracing on display, the crowd looked sparse as it spread itself around the four sides. Curiously, when Hayes won the toss and decided which end to attack, some home supporters made their way towards the end they would be defending, an encouraging sign for the U's against a team with four draws and four defeats from its eight home games this season.
But it was the hosts who started the better, and on 3 the ball was threaded across the edge of the United box to the unmarked Binns at the far post, whose goalbound shot was blocked away by Paul Carden in front of Danny Potter's dive. It was an early portent of a shaky ninety minutes for a once-solid back four.
The visitors still had Chris Holroyd, though, and his response was to embark on a superb run down the middle past opponent after opponent before unleashing an Exocet of a shot which was screaming into the top left corner until it was pawed around the post by diving keeper Simon Overland.
Hayes were playing a high-tempo game, denying United time and space, and the most likely route through looked to be down the flanks. Dan Gleeson and Robbie Willmott combined well on 13, and when the latter's cross was half-cleared to Jai Reason, he saw his snap shot blocked away. Three minutes later Anthony Tonkin saw yellow for bringing down the mercurial Binns.
More good work from Gleeson a minute later saw him cross for Danny Crow to lash a shot low into the bottom corner of the net, but his 'goal' was disallowed because Holroyd was standing offside between him and Overland.
At this stage United appeared to have matters just about under control, but they were reminded of their fragility on 21 when the hosts gained a corner and Binns' flag-kick found the head of Tom Cadmore; Potter's stop was purely instinctive, but he could only parry it out to Scott Fitzgerald, and this time Courtney Pitt was forced to clear off the line. If any United players still harboured any thoughts of complacency and cruising to a comfortable victory, this was the time to discard them before they became dangerous like a Liverpool FC beach ball.
United responded with a corner which Brian Saah forced Overland to fumble, but the keeper was as well protected by the ref as his breed usually are and Saah was penalised. And on 24 Our Hayes Hell really dawned.
It was all so avoidable. Saah challenged for the ball near the right touchline, it spun past him but Wayne Hatswell was there to clear up and he knocked it back towards Potter. But his backpass was underhit and Fitzgerald gave willing chase as it bobbled towards the United keeper. Potter casually trotted out and drove his attempted clearance straight into the leaping Fitzgerald... and as Potter stood, transfixed, Fitzgerald chased the ball towards the empty goal and rammed gleefully home. Disaster: 1-0.
The last occasion on which I can recall such a goal in a U's game was over ten years ago, when Trevor Benjamin charged down a clearance against a terrified Plymouth keeper and bundled it into the net with characteristic brutality. It's not quite so much fun when you're on the receiving end, is it?
United came back unconvincingly, Willmott cutting inside and giving Overland an easy catch with an underpowered shot, and the seeds of early doubt now began to sprout shoots of uncertainty and fear with uneasy and queasy speed. Hatswell was clearly having an off-day, Carden couldn't pass water with every attempted lofted through ball sailing out of play, and the rest of the midfield looked similarly subdued and ineffective, to the frustration of the willing and mobile forwards who were forced to feed off the most meagre of scraps.
Potter clutched a cross-shot from Danny Allen-Page on 33, then he saved well from Fitzgerald as the industrious hosts found little to stop them swarming through midfield and into the United box. Holroyd shot into Overland's waiting gloves on 35, and five minutes later Potter saved again from James Mulley, then Saah misjudged a cross which dropped over his head for Marc Canham, but he prodded wide.
Hayes had every reason to be pleased with their first half, with their hard work and discipline rewarded with a rather fortunate goal, but there were grave causes for concern for Martin Ling, with a malfunctioning midfield which had signally failed to impose itself on the game, an uncertain back line and his most experienced players performing like nervous teenagers on their first date.
But still, it was pros against semi-pros, right? Playoff finalists against one-win-this-season rookies? It would surely all come right in part two.
Yeah, and Croatia are going to win the World Cup.
If Ling was hoping for an instant response after the restart, he was to be disabused of such a notion in rapid and shocking style. A warning shot across the bows came from Sean Canham on 48, firing across goal and wide, but a minute later he became provider when his simple through ball found Fitzgerald easily losing a snoozing Hatswell to run on and lift the ball comfortably past the exposed Potter. Catastrophe: 2-0.
Now a drama had become a crisis. United tried to fumble their way back into it, and came closest on 54 when Reason took a quick free-kick to Willmott and his cross to the far post was met by a diving Crow, but somehow his two-yard effort was scrambled off his line by Overland. Good save, but Crow should have scored. Had it gone to two-one then, who knows...
Six minutes later Fitzgerald was forced to withdraw, replaced by George Daly, and on 63 came the coup de grace. Reason fouled the sub thirty yards out, Adam Green touched it to Cadmore, and he rifled a tremendous long-range strike low into the bottom left corner past an astonished Potter's despairing dive. Weeping, wailing and gnashing of teeth: 3-0.
This was now officially Embarrassing. Ling tried desperately to shake things up by withdrawing wingers Willmott and Pitt, introducing Lee Phillips and Sam Ives and going to 4-3-3. Unfortunately the ponderous, out of touch Carden and Reason were part of the problem and not part of the solution and for all the subs' lively movement, the U's remained a team playing without cohesion or rhythm or any real belief that they could salvage anything from the wreckage of this horrendous afternoon.
Hayes sat back a little to admire their handiwork and soak up their visitors' unsubtle attempts to gain so much as a consolation. On 75 Hatswell nodded down for Crow six yards out, but with Overland advancing he fired panickily over the top. Three minutes later Tonkin provided good support on the overlap but having done all the hard work, failed to deliver a telling final ball and it was whipped off Crow's toe by Cadmore.
Phillips then set up Ives for a shot from the edge of the box, but he blazed wildly over, and on 80 a rampaging Phillips ran onto a through ball down the middle which he reached before the advancing Overland and a chasing Allen-Page, but his toepoked prod bounced frustratingly wide of the open goal.
No-one in the ground, or indeed the country, nay, the chuffing universe, believed that bumbling United could salvage anything now. Both sides had the odd shot blocked away, but neither goal was threatened again as Ling found himself without any more match-changing options on his over-cautious bench, and the game fizzled out like a damp Catherine Wheel with a last-minute booking for Gleeson that will keep him out of the FA Cup match at Lincoln United next week. And even that doesn't look like the formality it should now. Full credit to a spirited and hard-working home side, naturally...
...But what on Earth is wrong with this lot? Ling's remarks about his players being unable to accept any criticism, even from each other, is most concerning; if these delicate little Cristiano Ronaldos suddenly think they are the finished article and can do no wrong, they need a sudden and salutary reality check. My personal preference would be to loan the whole wretched lot (except Holroyd and perhaps Saah) so they can play Dereham Town next Saturday while the CRC lads assume first team duties against Lincoln on the Sunday. And if and when they win, they keep their places.
That won't happen, of course (unfortunately) but Ling has to do something to get into the minds of this sulky, underachieving mob before the season goes completely up the Swannie. The players must ultimately take their own personal responsibility in their own hands, though. They have the talent, we know that. Now they must apply it, consistently. We will be watching. And we will be expecting recompense for this waste of a Saturday. Go to it.
Statto Corner
United's path had never crossed with either Hayes or Yeading before today. Hayes, formed in the 1909 as Botwell Mission, were in the Athenian League from 1930 to 1971, eventually ascending to the Conference in 1996, where they peaked at 3rd place in 1998-99 before their relegation in 2002. They reached the Second Round of the FA Cup on four occasions, picking up the League scalps of Bristol Rovers, Cardiff City and Fulham along the way.
Hayes' Cambridgeshire encounters amount to a 3-1 elimination from the FA Cup by Histon four seasons ago, 1-0 defeat at Peterborough in an FA Cup replay in 1989-90, and two FA Trophy defeats of Cambridge City, 6-1 in 1983-84 and 3-2 in 1997-98.
Yeading only began playing competitive football in 1984, but can claim an FA Vase Final victory over Bridlington Town in a replay at Leeds in 1990 plus a run to the Third Round of the FA Cup in 2004-05, where they lost 2-0 to Newcastle United at QPR's Loftus Road. The previous season they had been knocked out of the Cup by Histon by a resounding 7-0. They also removed Cambridge City from the FA Trophy in 1990-91.
Four of today's Hayes & Yeading side had faced United before. Dale Binns came off the bench and scored for Stevenage in their 4-1 win of January 2007, while Tom Cadmore turned out for a young Wycombe side in a mix-and-match 3-0 friendly defeat at Adams Park in September 2004.
Both Adam Green and Tom Ruby have faced the U's for Woking, but not together. Green played in their 3-0 Abbey defeat of January 2007, while Ruby took part in a goalless draw in August of that year and a 1-0 loss at the Abbey the following March.
Today's attendance of 744 was the fourth lowest at a United game since their relegation to the Conference. The lowest remains the 426 at Dorchester in the FA Trophy (December 2005), followed by Droylsden (634, April 2008) and Stafford Rangers (741, October 2007).
This was United's heaviest League defeat since they lost 3-0 at home to Kidderminster in March 2008. Their previous worst away defeat came in the 5-0 loss to Altrincham a year before that.
Jimmy Quinn and sixteen former U's players have also turned out for Hayes in their careers: Vic Akers, Lee Boylan, Jon Brady, Lee Charles, John Cozens, John Fowler, Allan Harris, Hakan Hayrettin, Dean Hooper, Kofi Nyamah, Warren Patmore, Scott Rendell, Bobby Ross, Steve Slade, Scott Taylor and Dean Williams. By contrast only Hooper and Keith Newby ever played for Yeading, the latter a squad and reserve player who never got beyond friendlies for the first team.
Two players named Hayes have sported the black'n'amber over the years. Midfielder Adie Hayes made his debut in a 2-0 defeat at Scarborough on 20th April 1996, and made a total of 29 first team appearances plus nine as sub before bowing out in a 2-1 home win over Doncaster on 7th February 1998. He has since played for Kettering, Boston United, King's Lynn, Cambridge City, Farnborough, AFC Sudbury, Mildenhall, Dereham and Diss Town.
Sharp-shooter Phil Hayes arrived at the Abbey from Millwall and made his debut as a winger at Weymouth on 11th April 1959. After two 7-0 defeats in his first two United matches, he was switched to striker and never looked back, going on to score 70 times in 100 league matches, plus grabbing another 26 in 39 games in other competitions. His last U's game was a 3-1 home win over Clacton on 16th December 1961, after which he left because manager Alan Moore wanted all of his players to become full-time professionals. He moved to Yiewsley, later known as Hillingdon Borough, local rivals of Hayes although they never played in the same league.
Player Ratings
Potter 5. Must take his share of the blame for the first goal and looked subdued thereafter, albeit there was little he could do about the other goals.
Gleeson 5. Had a decent first half, combining well with Willmott on the overlap, disappeared in the second.
Tonkin 5. A few decent runs but little else.
Saah 6. Tried manfully to galvanise the team with some positive forwards runs, but it was a hopeless task.
Hatswell 3. Poor backpass set up the first goal and played like a footballing pensioner for the rest of the afternoon.
Willmott 4. A few inaccurate crosses and shots were all he had to offer.
Carden 3. Easily the worst he has ever played; his passing was hopeless and as captain he offered no encouragement or inspiration whatsoever.
Reason 3. If anything looks more overweight now than at the start of the season. Total mystery how he keeps his place in the side.
Pitt 4. Completely anonymous. Oh well, he managed an excellent run of two good games this time.
Crow 5. No lacking in effort, but his 'finishing' was not even Ridgeons League standard.
Holroyd 6. A cut above, as usual.
Phillips 5. Got well and truly stuck in, but not even Torres could have scored in this side today.
Ives 5. Tried his level best despite being accompanied by the two worst players on the pitch in midfield.
Match Summary
If United's performance at Grays was poor, today's pitiful effort at Hayes plumbed new depths of ineptitude as the team was let down badly by its most experienced players with most of the younger ones not far behind. If these people are no longer interested in playing for the U's, they should push off now and leave it to our hard-working, honest and talented CRC lads. They could not have done any worse today.
Man of the Match
Chris Holroyd. Ploughed a lone furrow up front and must have wondered why he bothered for all the help he got from his colleagues.
Ref Watch
Whitton 8. No complaints about this chap, who remained pleasingly low-key and sparing with the cards.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
"I liked the journey on the coach best, because that was when I had all my food." (Ben Banks)
Soundtrack of the Day
Chromeo 'I Can't Tell You Why'
Parky's Pick of the Pops
Andy Parkinson lends an ear to the Church Road sounds. "All right, lads and lasses? My great-uncle Theolonius is one of them bipolars and he can get right depressed sometimes. I'm a naturally chirpy kind of guy but I have to admit I know how old Theo feels today!
"At least the music was pretty cheerful. Muse are a right clever bunch and can write a good catchy tune, and so can them Veronicas girls. Cracking lookers, too, eh! They also played an old Sixties hit, 'Telstar' by the Tornadoes, and Great-Uncle Theo tells me the singer from Muse's dad was on that, so someone at Hayes is dead clever if they meant it, like!
"Then we had some good old punk with Sham 69's 'If The Kids Are United' and at half-time some Seventies rock from Led Zeppelin and Boston as well as the theme from 'Superman' so the mood swung more than Theo does! Very entertaining, I reckon. Never walk alone!" PPP verdict: 9/10
Andrew Bennett
Andrew's previous match reports
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