The thousand-yard stare is an expression originally used to describe the exhausted, unfocused expression on the face of a battle-weary soldier after long hours and days or longer of unrelenting combat, a precursor to post-traumatic stress.
Nowadays it could equally be applied to someone who has sat through two and a quarter hours of "Strictly Come Dancing" or to an Ipswich Town supporter. And that haunted and haunting look was also on the face of Ebbsfleet defender Leon Crooks immediately after the final whistle sounded today, as he sank down to his haunches and stared unseeingly into space for a good thirty seconds as he reflected on another defeat for his team, which has won just once all season.
We have all been there, of course. I think my last one lasted for an entire close season a few years back. But these days United at least appears to be a club which is moving forward, unlike the subscriber-owned club named after a railway station which shows all the signs of a decline which may well turn out to be terminal, with dwindling funds from a shrinking Internet fan base, an experiment which looks as doomed to fail as John Barnes at Tranmere.
Look at their manager, Abbey legend Liam Daish, who by several accounts came close to securing the U's job not so long ago. A formerly square-jawed, imposing figure, he now sports a scruffy beard more worthy of a Big Issue seller, and has been stripped of his assistant Alan Kimble and almost all of last season's squad due to budgetary concerns, leaving him with a team of 'who?' players like Kane Willis, Lewis Cumbers and former United defender Gavin Heeroo. The fact that their top scorer is erratic, underachieving ex-U Magno Vieira (three goals) speaks volumes.
United, not themselves in the most sparkling of form recently, remained unchanged from last weekend's nearly match at Histon. The departure of Mark Beesley on loan to Chester appeared to leave the way clear for one of the outstanding CRC youngsters like Adam Marriott or Jordan Patrick to gain promotion to the bench, so it was somewhat surprising that Bees' place went to reserve keeper Laurie Walker, especially in a home game against one of the division's struggling stragglers.
There were new faces at the Abbey from Soham and Ely for the first South Stand Initiative of the season, and a highly percussive samba band provided entertainment when they played and made the peaceful silence when they stopped all the more enjoyable.
The U's team trotted out in shirts sporting hastily-attached new Greene King IPA logos, not beer mats stuck on with Blutack but ironed on late last night. A CUFC branded ale cannot surely be far behind: a spirited, full-blooded brew assembled from a variety of cut-price ingredients (and the odd expensive one) which tantalises the taste buds but ultimately just fails to deliver in the final sip. A pint of Bitter Wembley Disappointment, anyone?
Anyone expecting United to continue their rip-roaring finish to last Sunday's game at Bridge Road was also to be disappointed as the hosts got off to a low-key start against an energetic Ebbsfleet team which flooded the midfield with five men and harried their amber-shirted counterparts out of any passing rhythm, doubling up on the wingers to keep them quiet.
There was consequently little early goalmouth action. Fleet's new signing Peter Holmes fired over from distance on 6 and four minutes later lone striker Cumbers broke away but had his shot blocked away by Danny Potter. United at last created a chance on 16, the irrepressible Chris Holroyd producing an excellent run down the right channel before he crossed towards Danny Crow in the middle, but the ball was at an awkward height and instead of trying a diving header, Crow lunged forward and waved his foot at it, his attempt at a shot instead turning into a clearance for the grateful visitors.
A minute later United forged down the right again, this time via Robbie Willmott, and his floated cross soared over everyone until it fell for Courtney Pitt at the far post; controlling skilfully, the diminutive wing man opted for power in his shot and blasted into keeper Lance Cronin's legs from the angle, the visitors eventually clearing their lines.
After this brief flurry of excitement, proceedings then sank back into moribundity as Fleet prevented United from producing anything of creative note while making no inroads themselves into a solid-looking home defence.
Willmott scuffed a shot wide on 23 and two minutes later his teasing free-kick from out on the left found Brian Saah arriving late at the far post but he poked wide.
Set pieces continued to look like disjointed United's most likely way through, and just after the half hour a Willmott corner was met by Wayne Hatswell; his header was going wide until Dan Gleeson diverted it goalward but was foiled by a defender in the six-yard box. Six minutes later Paul Carden chugged forward and tried his luck from the edge of the area, just missing the far post.
Holroyd was then unfortunate when he took on Paul McCarthy, knocked it past him but was then penalised by the ref when he tried to get past the obstructing Fleet defender and fell in the process. Tricky winger Ishmael Welch, kept quiet by a splendid Gleeson, fired wide on 44, then some sloppy passing in midfield allowed Scott Shulton to race for goal from deep, easily evading several United players before cutting inside and arrowing a shot which looked goalbound all the way until superbly tipped around the post by a full-length Potter.
Perhaps that was the wake-up call which a somnolent U's side needed, and Fleet paid for some first-half timewasting when they conceded in the minutes added for just that purpose.
Inevitably it was the quicksilver Holroyd who was the architect, haring onto a channel ball from Jai Reason with defenders in hot pursuit, and when Cronin rushed from goal to intercept, the United sharpshooter skipped easily around him and crossed into the middle, providing a precision ball for Pitt, of all people, to rise and power a header into the corner past a defender on the line. Yes, a Pitt goal with his noggin: 1-0.
Pitt wheeled away, clutching his head with a bemused look on his face, deserving to have made the breakthrough after a busy and committed performance. The U's scarcely deserved the lead after a mediocre team effort lacking in spark and imagination against dogged but limited opposition, but perhaps now they had the spark to ignite a decent second-half display.
And, wouldn't you know it, that is exactly what we got, a transformed United side repeating the trick of several previous matches this season by restarting with a new, more positive mindset as they tore into the opposition from the outset, and begging the question 'why had they not played like that before?'
The hosts attacked with vigour and purpose, and within seven minutes of the restart, they had doubled their lead. Holroyd used his pace to chase a long ball into the corner, retrieved it then found Pitt arriving in support; he teased McCarthy with some fancy footwork and was felled for a stonewall penalty.
Holroyd stepped up and lashed confidently home to keep up his 100% penalty record and notch his thirteenth goal in sixteen matches this season. To all intents and purposes, game over: 2-0.
The visitors replaced Shulton with a winger, Michael West, and United gradually began to take their collective foot off the pedal. McCarthy was first to see yellow on 57 for bringing down the elusive Pitt, then the little winger capped a fine run with a cut-in and pinpoint pass to find Anthony Tonkin, who somehow popped up near the penalty spot, but he failed to break his goalscoring duck for the U's when he fired over.
Saah blocked a Cumbers shot at the expense of a corner on the hour, but the visitors did not seem to have anyone in their side who looked likely to come up trumps with a goal. On 69, with United looking as if they had settled for two-nil and were content to play out time with the minimum of effort, Daish threw any remaining caution to the wind by withdrawing right-back Heeroo and introducing striker Scott Ginty, changing formation to 3-5-2.
Welch shot wide on 75, but for all their huffing and puffing Fleet simply did not have the quality to overly trouble even a half-pace United. And the hosts took advantage of the visitors' openness on 81 when a ball over the top caught their back three on the hop and Willmott raced clear down the middle, drew Cronin and shot calmly into goal via the inside of the far post. 3-0.
Ginty then fired over for Ebbsfleet, but the contest was now over. United began to rest their best players, Lee Phillips replacing Holroyd on 85, Andy Parkinson on for Willmott (not one of their best players this season) on 87, and Sam Ives came on for Carden in the last minute.
Phillips in particular looked as hungry and aggressive as a tiger with toothache, and it was he who created United's coup de grace in stoppage time. Ives found him by the right-hand corner of the box, and he allowed the ball to bounce before unleashing a stupendous half-volley towards the opposite corner which screamed over Cronin and almost broke the crossbar. It rebounded to Crow, who controlled, looked up then produced a quite delightful pinpoint chip over the baffled Cronin and back into the opposite top corner of the net. Superb stuff: 4-0.
There was just time for Davis Abbey to replace Holmes and for Phillips to scud a shot into the keeper's arms, then it really was all over. The last few minutes' champagne football should not blind us to the flat Tizer of much of the previous ninety minutes, and United had only truly played really well for a fraction of that time. But fine finishing, the resurgence of Pitt and a first clean sheet in five games are all welcome confidence boosts, even against opposition as poor as Ebbsfleet, and should hopefully spark a return to form which will be needed when tougher opponents loom in November. Perhaps if they pretend they are starting the second half one up at the very beginning of a match, that will do the trick...
Statto Corner
Having already won 3-1 at Ebbsfleet in August, United have now completed their first 'double' of the season. They have managed a total of eight doubles in each of the last two seasons, after only three in 2006-07 and just one, over Scarborough, in their first Conference term of 2005-06. Only two teams have been doubled twice: Woking and Northwich Victoria.
Today saw the second time that four different players have scored for United in a match this season, after Messrs Crow, Holroyd, Ives and Beesley all notched in the 7-0 destruction of Forest Green. That only happened once in 2008-09, in the 4-0 home win over Salisbury last December, and as today, the goals came from the starting strikers and wingers: Scott Rendell, Chris Holroyd, Robbie Willmott and Courtney Pitt.
An opposing team has not had four or more different scorers against the U's since 6th March 2007, when five Altrincham players got on the scoresheet in their 5-0 home victory.
United have now scored the last fifteen penalties they have been awarded. Their last miss was by Courtney Pitt at Droylsden in April 2008, his second unsuccessful attempt at a spot-kick out of two in his U's career, and since then Chris Holroyd has scored seven, Lee McEvilly four, Scott Rendell three and Danny Crow one. None of those four players have ever missed a pen for United.
United have scored five out of five penalties this season and last season's 100% record of nine was their second best ever, only beaten by the eleven they scored with no misses in 1985-86, of which Steve Massey scored seven, David Crown three and Paddy Rayment the other.
Only once have the U's converted more penalties in one season, twelve in 1989-90, but they also missed two. Michael Cheetham claimed five and Alan Kimble was responsible for the other seven and the two misses.
Player Ratings
Potter 7. Called upon for one outstanding save, otherwise enjoyed a fairly relaxed afternoon.
Gleeson 8. Exemplary both defensively and supporting the attack.
Tonkin 7. Useful and consistent contribution.
Saah 8. Ebbsfleet's powderpuff attack was unable to make any impression on the big man.
Hatswell 7. Reliable and efficient.
Willmott 6. Much room for improvement, but hopefully his well-taken goal will be a confidence booster.
Reason 7. Put in an industrious shift without doing anything particularly startling.
Carden 7. The skipper covered the proverbial every blade of grass.
Pitt 8. The little wing wizard is well and truly back.
Holroyd 8. The Conference's top striker just keeps banging them in, penalties or not.
Crow 7. Hard work rewarded with excellent goal towards the end.
Phillips 7. Impressively energetic ten minutes in which he almost broke the crossbar with the shot of the season.
Ives 6. Busy late cameo.
Parkinson 6. Only on long enough for a few touches.
Match Summary
United continued the pattern of several recent games by making a slow start then, buoyed by a goal, spreading their wings in the second half. In truth they only played well for about half an hour in total, but some splendid finishing was more than enough to see off a feeble Ebbsfleet side which will be lucky to stay up on this showing.
Man of the Match
Courtney Pitt. Scored one, a header of all things, made two, and looked hungry and involved throughout. United's longest serving but most frustrating player might just be getting into the form of his life.
Ref Watch
Smedley 7. Sparing with the cards and pleasingly low-key, his only weakness was in awarding soft free-kicks when players were merely slipping or falling over.
Out of the Mouths of Babes
"The best bit was when all the players kicked all the balls over the stand." (Matthew Poole)
Soundtrack of the Day
The Joy Formidable with Paul Draper 'Greyhound In The Slips'
Andrew Bennett
Andrew's previous match reports
More Match Photos
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