Respect: The Dingbat Code
'Respect' is The FA's programme of activities to combat unacceptable behaviour in our game at every level - on the pitch and from the sidelines. To this end, The FA has produced a series of directives, workshops and some really nice leaflets with pictures and everything. But what should a football supporter do when faced with a referee whose conduct demonstrates no respect for the game, the participants or indeed the spectators themselves?
Your local friendly website has been working on a booklet to help the fans counteract this menace, called 'Respect: The Dingbat Code', a guide to coping with the most irritating and incompetent men in black while maintaining respect for the game and for each other.
Features include:
Fortitude in the face of incompetence. The Guide will teach you relaxation techniques for those moments when the referee gives that umpteenth needless free-kick, or sends off one of your players for no good reason other than his own stupidity. You will learn about counting to 100, in a variety of different styles and languages, with or without holding your breath; things to do instead of dwelling on the incident, such as bird-watching or identification of lichen on the walls of the football ground toilet; and a guide to alternative philosophies, so you can ponder to yourself, "What would Kierkegaard/Hegel/Foucault/Wittgenstein/Engels/Aristotle have made of that controversial offside decision?"
Constructive response. It is all too easy to shout "Referee, you're a useless waste of space!" or "Referee, you're a drooling buffoon with all the spatial skills of a brain-damaged woodlouse!" The Guide will suggest alternative, less confrontational and judgmental rejoinders so that a positive frame of mind may be maintained. You can try "Referee, I believe your talents may be better employed as a Cornish Pasty crimper/flamingo pond scrubber/colostomy bag tester," "Referee, your decisiveness is to be applauded despite its relative extemporaneousness," and literally hundreds of other catchy and useful remarks.
The healing power of laughter. Humour is in many cases the best medicine, and the Guide contains a treasure trove of amusing jokes and anecdotes with which to cheer oneself up from the top names in comedy, such as Ben Elton, Reg Varney, the Krankies, Leonard Cohen, Roy 'Chubby' Brown, Noel Coward, Mark Lawrenson, Jasper Carrott and Rene Descartes. Take it away, Rene: "I walk into a restaurant and sit down for dinner. The waiter comes over and asks if I'd like an appetiser. 'No, thank you,' I say, 'I'd just like to order dinner'. 'Would you like to hear our daily specials?' asks the waiter. 'No,' say I, getting impatient. 'Would you like a drink before dinner?' the waiter asks. I am insulted, since I am a teetotaller. 'I think not!' I say indignantly, and POOF! I cease to exist! Boom! Boom!"
Respect: The Dingbat Code will be available from the club shop in time for Christmas.
The day had all started so pleasantly. Unseasonably mild weather, a short trip round the M25 to Crawley, what could be nicer?
It's funny how the dominant character(s) at a football club colour one's feelings about it. Broadfield Stadium is of recent construction but perfectly spruce and serviceable, and their 'Redz' bar was packed to overflowing with fans from both sides, spilling out onto the tarmac outside. But Crawley is often thought of as a hostile, unwelcoming place, and this must be substantially down to the club's management team, the two shoutiest men in football, Steve Evans and 'Super' Paul Raynor, who invariably keep up a constant stream of strident criticism from the dugout on matchdays. On the occasions when Evans isn't serving one of his regular touchline bans, that is.
Already unpopular in the game for his FA conviction and subsequent ban for his role in making illegal payments to players at Boston, he rarely fails to point out how small his budget is in comparison to his rivals in his programme notes, and comfortingly, today was no exception. It was however rather unnerving to see him sign off as 'The Blue Square Special One.' One hopes this was an attempt at humour, or this time he's really lost the plot completely.
The travelling amber army, as numerous as ever, made up almost one-third of the day's attendance but there were some nerves present at the prospect of going into a match against a team on the same number of points as us without two key players missing through suspension, Phil Bolland and Paul Carden. Josh Coulson and Ben Farrell stepped in, as did Mark Beesley and Mark Convery in place of Chris Holroyd and Danny Crow. Surprisingly, Felino Jardim was left on the bench after his stunning sub appearance at Kidderminster last week as Our Gary reverted to a 4-3-3 formation, despite its regular failure this season, although with skipper-for-the-day Beesley drifting slightly behind the front two of Lee McEvilly and Robbie Willmott, it was more like a 4-3-1-2.
The visitors got off to a promising start, with a long spell of possession from kickoff from which Crawley did not get a touch until the ball eventually ran out of play for a goal-kick. The hosts countered on 4 with a cross from the tricky Michael Malcolm on the left which found the unmarked head of golden oldie Steve Fletcher at the far post (how do they afford him on their limited budget?), but his diving nod was too near Danny Potter to overly trouble the U's keeper.
Five minutes later Potter's opposite number, Simon Rayner, skied a miscued clearance and Beesley tried a first-time volley from 35 yards towards the exposed goal, but he could not keep a difficult chance on target. On 11 a foul by McEvilly on Glenn Wilson presented Crawley with a free-kick right on the edge of the box in a central position, but the free-kick from Malcolm was deflected over the top by the wall.
Soon the limitations of United's formation became apparent. With precious little width and a crowded middle, the team's attacking strategy depended on trying to produce intricate, inch-perfect through balls for the forwards to latch onto; this might work for Arsenal, or even their reserves, but it is far too complicated for a Blue Square Premier team, no matter how good it may be, and the result was that Rayner simply was not troubled at all as a series of promising moves broke down long before they reached the shooting stage. Whatever happened to the wing play of the second half last Saturday?
First booking of the day came on 20 for Ben Farrell for a clash with Sam Rents, a little harsh from a pernickety ref, Ian Cooper, who was already showing a predilection for penalising the slightest physical contact and rewarding the theatrical tumbles of the home side. United forced a little pressure on 24 with a blocked shot or two from Convery's corner, then the hosts responded with a low fizzer from Danny Forrest which flew wide. Then Coulson blocked a shot from Jon-Paul Pittman before the U's broke back with a Beesley shot which was also stopped by a red-shirted defender before McEvilly was felled by Thomas Pinault twenty yards out.
Both Big Mac and Wayne Hatswell stood over the ball, and it was the latter who took the free-kick, smashing it just over the left-hand upright with stunning power but not quite enough accuracy.
An increasingly scrappy affair was enlivened by a goal for the hosts on the half hour. Forrest's low cross from the right was slightly behind the United back four (The Corridor of Uncertainty!), Coulson unluckily slipped as he challenged, Pittman latched onto it and despite the lunging Dan Gleeson's attempt to stop him, he lashed home past a helpless Potter from six yards. 1-0.
Two minutes later the real unpleasantness started when Gleeson picked up possession near halfway by the dugouts and Pinault dashed over to clatter him to the floor with a hideous, over-the-top lunge to the shin which could have broken his leg. Astonishingly, ref Cooper only showed the Frenchman yellow, thereby sowing the seeds for the anarchy which descended in an increasingly ill-disciplined second half.
Thankfully Gleeson could continue after treatment and, doubtless fired up by the incident, United enjoyed the better of the remainder of the half. Jake Wright blocked a Beesley turn and shot on 38, then McEvilly narrowly missed getting his head to a Convery free-kick in competition with Rayner, while on 41 Anthony Tonkin advanced and tried his luck from 25 yards with a bouncing bomb of a shot which Rayner smothered well. The home keeper also stopped an underpowered Beesley effort a minute later, then Crawley broke up the other end and Potter stopped from Dannie Bulman.
At least United were now getting some shots in, albeit with little luck, and Farrell had the last effort of the half with a long-range blaster over just before the break. All in all it had been a pretty underwhelming 45 minutes as United had struggled to make their over-complicated system work while Crawley had slugged away in their usual uninspiring fashion. 0-0 would have been the fairest score.
There was no seismic activity or sound of distant screaming at half-time, so Mr Evans must have been giving one of his more mellow team talks, but Our Gary seemed to have made his point fairly forcibly to the underachieving U's as they started part two with renewed vim and vigour, going at the opposition from the off.
Beesley fired for goal early on, narrowly wide, then Wilson got in the way of a Convery effort, but United's equaliser on 51 came from a most unexpected source... the man in black. Convery floated his corner into the box, and Mr Cooper instantly pointed to the spot, although there had been no appeal from the crowd or anyone in a black'n'amber shirt. General concensus was that it was probably for a tug by Chris Giles on McEvilly's ample shirt, but these sorts of incidents go unpunished all the time so it was a welcome early Christmas present for the visitors. Ho ho ho: McEvilly stepped up and placed the penalty into the corner with nonchalance. Eleven goals in eighteen games for the big man: 1-1.
Crawled responded swiftly with a Fletcher header over the top, but United were in the ascendant and might have done better with a Willmott break on 57. Entering the box at speed, young Robbie spurned a good chance to shoot by slipping it wide to Beesley, who was flagged offside as he got his shot away. Another break then saw Gleeson bearing down on goal, but he rather unwisely tried a long-range shot which flew over.
On the hour Rents sent a free-kick from deep into the U's box, and the man in black did it again, conveniently evening up the penalty awards despite there once again being no appeals evident, this time it seems for a push on Giles by Coulson, who was booked. Baffling stuff. Pinault, who should not even have been on the pitch after his first-half assault on Gleeson, put it away: 2-1.
The tension and undercurrent of bad feeling continued to grow as the Crawley bench kept up its usual ranting and raving, and Bulman saw yellow for bringing down Willmott on 63. Beesley then tested Rayner with a shot on the turn, and Farrell escaped a second yellow for a tussle with our friend Pinault, receiving just a (presumably final) warning.
Our Gary decided to make a change on 66, but did not amend the formation or introduce Jardim, instead replacing Willmott with Crow. Good work by Gleeson out on the right a minute later set up Farrell for an unchallenged header on goal from twelve yards, and there appeared to be a clear handball as it cannoned around a couple of home defenders, but in the ensuing melee it was Gleeson who was carded for an innocuous challenge, the ref apparently able to see that through a sea of bodies but not the handball. Mr Cooper was now slightly below Gary Glitter on the United fans' Christmas card list. And that's not a place anyone wants to be.
The man in black, however, surpassed even himself on 75. Farrell burst down the right channel, was tackled from behind by Pinault as he made to run into the area, stumbled under the challenge but regained his feet immediately and continued to tussle for the ball. The whistle of fate sounded. Penalty to United? Er, no. Somehow Mr Cooper was the only person in the ground who saw Farrell's slip under Pinault's tackle as a 'dive,' produced the deeply unfortunate United man's second yellow, and he was off, to the bemusement and incredulity of every player and spectator in the ground. Ladies and gentlemen, you have witnessed history: the most ridiculous and plain wrong sending-off... ever!
This was outrageous. Mr Cooper's look-at-me antics had ruined a tight, competitive contest, as Beesley dropped deep into a 4-3-2, and Crawley withdrew Pittman in favour of towering debutant Danny Mills (no, not that shaven-headed old clogger, a young striker). But the match changed dramatically again on 82.
Jon Challinor ran onto a flick-on by McEvilly on halfway and was scythed horribly down by a full-pelt, lunging Rents. The ref got this one right, wasting no time in showing a straight red, although even then the Crawley left-back had the brass neck to complain. Challinor received several long minutes of treatment before being carried carefully off on a stretcher, although thankfully it seems that the injury was not as bad as it looked, or indeed might have been under Rents' reckless challenge.
Felino Jardim entered the fray in Challinor's place, while Crawley made two changes in the wake of their joining the U's on ten men, Jamie Stevens replacing Malcolm and the unfortunate Mills hauled off again in favour of Simon Weatherstone.
Crawley had clearly settled for sitting on their lead, while United creditably went hell for leather to even the scores. They threw men forward, led by Jardim's mazy running, and Tonkin headed over when he might have done better. Seven additional minutes were indicated thanks mainly to Challinor's injury, and justice was done three minutes in when the visitors scored the equaliser they deserved.
Convery had really risen to the challenge as the second half wore on, and when he picked up possession just inside the Crawley half, there was only one thing on his mind. Forging forward, he found the opposition funnelling back rather than closing him down, and when he got within thirty yards of goal, he let fly. His shot flew low and, gloriously, past a stunned Rayner and inside the near post. Cue bedlam: 2-2!
Our Gary dashed down the touchline to join in the celebrations with the team, subs and supporters, the equaliser a sign of triumph over the violence of the home team and the ineptitude of the ref, and Convery's booking for throwing off his shirt simply did not matter. Although I don't think we'd have been laughing if he had already been on a yellow... It was the midfielder's first goal since his late winner versus Altrincham at the Abbey back in January.
There was still time for Stevens to be booked for felling Jardim, for Crow to have a shot blocked away, and for one more attack from the hosts from which Potter saved Giles' header with ease. Then the away contingent celebrated the draw as it felt, like a win.
The gaining of a point against the odds, against hostile opposition and an even more hostile official, was a great credit to the spirit of under-strength United. But however dramatic the day had been, they must soon regroup for an important home game on Tuesday. They had gained battle well, but the war will last long into next spring. The doubts about 4-3-3 must remain, but there are no doubts about the team's fighting spirit. Now let's see some finesse reflected in the eye of the tiger.
Statto Corner
United's first ever visit to Crawley, on 30th August 1969, resulted in a 2-0 victory. The clubs were not reunited until the 2005-06 season, since when United's trips to Sussex have yielded no wins, two draws and two defeats.
Ben Farrell became the first U's player to be dismissed twice in one season since 2006-07, when Richie Hanlon was sent off twice in sixteen days in September and Paul Crichton was red-carded twice in 29 days in December.
The last United match in which a player from each side was sent off was in a goalless draw at St Albans in August 2006. The hosts' Gary Elphick fouled Danny Carey-Bertram, the U's man responded with a headbutt to the stomach, and after an unseemly scuffle, it was the early bath for the pair of them.
Player Ratings
Potter 8. No chance with the goals, otherwise his handling was immaculate.
Gleeson 7. Decent outing with solid defending and good support going forward.
Coulson 8. Kept it simple, solid and safe.
Hatswell 8. Consistent as ever.
Tonkin 7. OK at the back plus some swashbuckling raids upfield.
Farrell 7. Made a good, energetic contribution until scandalously dismissed.
Challinor 7. Patrolled the centre reasonably well before being horribly hacked.
Convery 8. All-action contribution topped off by a superb late equaliser.
Willmott 6. No faulting his energy and commitment, but not put to its best use today.
Beesley 6. Linked intelligently without creating a great deal of note.
McEvilly 7. Great pen, some good target man play, although capable of much more.
Crow 6. Looked eager and willing, but never looked close to scoring.
Jardim 7. Lively sub who should have been introduced much earlier; in fact he really deserved to start after Kidderminster.
Match Summary
In a match containing more drama than 'King Lear,' it was the tragi-comic figure of The Fool, sorry The Ref, who took centre stage with a display of quite breathtaking ineptitude. Thankfully a spirited United side gained the battling point they deserved through Mark Convery's stunning injury-time equaliser.
KING LEAR:
Dost thou call me fool, boy?
FOOL:
All thy other titles thou hast given away; that thou wast born with.
Man of the Match
Josh Coulson. Strong, decisive, no frills. Young Josh has everything it takes to become a fine centre-back indeed.
Ref Watch
Cooper 1. One mark for correctly sending off Rents. Nine deducted for the series of non-existent 'fouls' for which he stopped play, the several fouls and penalties he missed so woefully, the dubious penalties he did give, his laughable dismissal of Farrell, his failure to properly punish Pinault for his ghastly foul on Gleeson, and his resultant complete loss of control of the match in the second half. If the assessors do their job properly, this dingbat will never darken the Conference's door again.
Becky's World of Wit and Wisdom
"Nil illegitimi carborundum." [Derby, 3/10/92]
Hello... Goodbye
The only ex-United player of the last forty years to enjoy a birthday on this date is former trialist Jamie Squires (1975). After a promising career with Preston, Dunfermline and Carlisle, the centre-back had career-saving cruciate ligament surgery in 2001 and played for the U's in a pre-season friendly that year, a goalless draw at the Abbey with Norwich. Failing to gain a contract, he moved on to Doncaster and Nuneaton and was last seen at Bamber Bridge, near his home town of Preston.
15th November 1974 saw the last game in United colours for left-back Vic Akers. Signed from Bexley United for £500 in 1971, he was a solid part of the 1972-73 promotion team, but also loved to get forward and was allowed to play up front in the last game of the following season; he scored twice in a 3-1 win over Plymouth.
He lost his place the following season and moved on to Tooting & Mitcham then Watford before joining Arsenal as community liaison officer then advancing to the role of kit man and ladies' team manager. He went on to become the first salaried women's team boss in the country, as well as the most successful, and he's the small, slightly portly bloke sitting near Arsene Wenger on the Arsenal bench on most matchdays.
Soundtrack of the Day
The Charlatans 'Oh! Vanity'
Parky's Pick of the Pops
Andy Parkinson lends an ear to the Broadfield Stadium sounds. "All right, lads and lasses? At Crawley today I was reminded of my Uncle Billy. He was the black sheep of the family who fancied himself as a bit of an intellectual, and he used to tell me about this piece of music called 4'33' by some avant-garde geezer called John Cage which basically consisted of nothing but silence! What's that all about, eh?
"'Ah', Billy would say, 'but it forms a point-of-no-return from the conventional communicative, self-expressive and intentional purpose of music to a radical new aesthetic that informs the field of unintentional sound, interpenetration, chance, and indeterminacy.' So I said, don't be soft and have a chip buttie, yer daft ha'porth!
"Anyroad, the sound of silence was the main thing to listen to at Crawley today. They played about two records in the half-hour before kick-off, some Snow Patrol and some R&B stuff, then after the team announcements there was nothing for minutes on end! They used 'Let Me Entertain You' when the teams ran out - there's original, eh - and 'Tom Hark' when they scored, but at half-time... nothing! Perhaps they can't afford records any more - unless they were playing some of that there John Cage, eh!! PPP verdict: 1/10. Never walk alone!"
Andrew Bennett
Andrew's previous match reports
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