Saturday 8th November 2008 - Kidderminster 1-0 U's: Déjà Vu Encore
Dante Alighieri's fourteenth-century works, 'The Divine Comedy,' posited the concept of the Nine Circles of Hell, each signifying the ever-deepening seriousness of the damned soul's sins. The first five (Limbo, the lustful, the gluttonous, the avaricious, and the wrathful and sullen) pretty much condemn everyone connected with the Premier League, as well as Barry Fry, while the other four (heretics, the violent, the fraudulent and the treacherous) make an almost full house for Joey Barton. But for Cambridge United supporters, there is a special tenth circle; and its name is Aggborough.
No matter how well United play at this unassuming, quintessentially Conferencesque venue, they always seem to lose. They have not won there since 1959. So the news that the U's had been drawn to travel there in the first round of the FA Cup was met with apathy at best and, at worst, horror. The memory of last season's encounter, live on TV, in which United comprehensively outplayed the hosting Harriers for ninety minutes but thanks to the woodwork, bad luck, inspired goalkeeping and a decidedly offside-looking goal, was still fresh in the collective memory as the amber hordes gathered on a pleasantly mild early winter's afternoon on the road to Wembley. That's a highly theoretical road, natch.
The travelling army was allocated one whole end, a low roofed terrace with splendid acoustics, and it was pleasing to see some of our favourite advertising hoardings still in place: Doolittle & Dalley, the local estate agents, the Board Bangers, whose function must remain elusive, and New Wave Bathrooms, who still do not seem to have branched out into Punk Rock Conservatories or New Romantic Soft Furnishings.
After Tuesday's regrettable and forgettable Setanta Shield experiment at Telford, it was back to full tar strength for United, with only two changes from the previous weekend's line-up against Rushden. Mark Beesley, head wrapped in bandages like a decaying mummy after that clash of heads, was rested to the bench in favour of Lee McEvilly after his return from suspension with a hat-trick in midweek, while Our Gary dropped Felino Jardim for Chris Holroyd, the latter playing wide right in a conventional 4-4-2 format.
United finally laid their home hoodoo against the Harriers back in August with a McEvilly brace, and six of that Kidderminster team started today with former U's loanee Darryl Knights consigned to the bench.
An immaculately observed Remembrance Day silence, a mighty roar from both ends of the ground, and battle commenced. The hosts gained a corner within twenty seconds of the start, and signalled their intent with a wickedly inswinging effort from Martin Brittain which might have sneaked in at the near post until cleared by Dan Gleeson.
First shot came from McEvilly on 4, but it was blocked by opposing captain Mark Creighton before it could trouble keeper Adam Bartlett. The United wingers started very wide, but on the rare occasions when they could be found by colleagues, they tended to lose possession before being able to get a cross in. With little effective service coming through the middle, Danny Crow tended to drop deep to link play with the result that United were left short at the sharp end; Jon Challinor should have been fulfilling that role so Crow could play further forward and combine more effectively with McEvilly.
Harriers hatchet man, sorry, combative midfielder, Russell Penn was first into the book on 9 after making a long run forward then losing out to Paul Carden, but continuing his run anyway and flattening the U's skipper with a terrible challenge. A minute later he was at it again, pushing Carden to the ground in an aerial clash with a hint of elbow, and he was lucky to avoid two yellows in two minutes.
Best chance for the hosts so far came on 16, Brian Smikle's left-wing cross finding Matthew Barnes-Homer unmarked in the middle eight yards out, but he got his body shape all wrong and twisted to head well wide. The hosts' front two of MBH and Justin Richards looked mobile and dangerous, however, and a minute later the latter hared into the box with Wayne Hatswell breathing down his neck, cut inside, Anthony Tonkin cut across him to intercept and with the flimsiest of contacts, the big, strong Harriers striker fell spectacularly to the floor as if Tonkin had tapped him on the head with a sledgehammer. Soft penalty.
Richards himself took the spot-kick and sent Danny Potter the wrong way as he slotted coolly into the corner. His smug, provocative celebration in front of the away support was, however, unnecessary.
Penn continued his quest for a red card with another foul on Tonkin, while his side gained a series of corners which were all whipped in with wicked pace and curl to give Potter and his defence much food for thought. Brittain's effort on 20 was nodded onto the top of the net by Martin Riley.
United, unable to string together any really incisive passing moves, gained a free-kick 25 yards out on 25, and McEvilly stepped up to try one of his specials, but this one sailed over not only the wall but also the crossbar. The visitors continued to press, a half-cleared corner falling to Hatswell to test Bartlett's gloves with a right-footed drive on 27, but the best entertainment so far came on the half-hour when Kiddie boss Mark Yates decided to replace Penn with Dean Bennett before he incurred the ref's further wrath.
To say Penn took the decision badly would be a massive understatement. In his embarrassment and anger he first tried to stalk off down the tunnel, then got into a row with the bench when instructed to take his seat with them. Such was the flailing fury of his argument that he was eventually permitted to leave the scene, presumably in the hope that that would calm him down, and he flounced off, leaving a trail of discarded tracksuit tops and well-kicked water bottles in his wake. Top entertainment.
United continued to look disjointed at best, with too many hopeful balls lumped down the channels in the vague direction of the strikers and neither winger really getting into the game, while the hosts at least passed the ball fairly well and conjured up a few neat moves without getting as far as testing Potter.
Willmott's corner on 35 was nodded on by Hatswell for Phil Bolland to head over from close in, while at the other end the combative Richards found the time and space to fire for goal from the edge of the box, but Potter was equal to his shot. Then on 41 Richards surged past Bolland into the area down the right channel, and as Potter came out to intercept, he tumbled spectacularly over the keeper's arms. It looked (whisper it) like a more convincing shout for a penalty than the first one, but this time the Harriers striker was penalised for diving and duly carded, to the amber hordes' undying hilarity and mockery. Well evened up, ref.
Final incident of the 45 was a Riley header over from a Brittain free-kick, and United retired to the wrath of Our Gary after an unsatisfactory, toothless first half in which they had displayed precious little cohesion or understanding. Must do better.
The Argos Value Range Hairdryer must have been on at full blast in the United dressing room, because they started part two like the proverbial runaway train, attacking the Harriers with renewed vigour. They were caught on the break on 49, however, some neat passing setting up Richards for a poke just wide.
The U's responded with a fine run from Willmott and a splendid cross to the far post where McEvilly was arriving for a simple finish until Keith Lowe flung himself across to head superbly clear at the expense of a corner. Then McEvilly sent Crow on a run down the middle under extreme pressure from Riley, and after about three unseen handballs by the United striker, he finally tumbled to the ground and the ball ran harmlessly wide as the home defenders complained.
Our Gary made an early change on 55 in introducing Felino Jardim for, somewhat surprisingly, Willmott, who had looked much more effective since switching wings with Holroyd. The latter now trotted back to the right as the diminutive Dutchman took up station on the left. And his first contribution was spectacular to say the least.
Picking up possession wide, he cut inside, danced past a couple of opponents and smashed a devastating shot goalward which was soaring into the top corner until it swerved just a little too much and crashed back off the upright with Bartlett a relieved spectator.
Next minute a Jardim corner found Bolland with a clear header which appeared to be about to level the scores until Bartlett flung himself across to save magnificently, tipping over the bar. United were suddenly in the ascendant, but that left them no less vulnerable to the hosts' forward breaks, and they were almost caught out a minute later when Richards crossed into the middle to an unmarked Bennett. The Kiddie sub tried a first-time prod goalward when he had time to control and get a decent shot in, and Potter dived to make a tremendous save, also blocking Barnes-Homer's follow-up shot at the expense of a corner. Breathless stuff.
United, however, had been rejuvenated by Jardim. The sub's corner on 64 curled over everyone, including Bartlett, and needed only the merest touch to put it in at the far post, but no black'n'amber shirt could get a toe to it in time, and a minute later Tonkin drifted over a cross which Bartlett was forced to paw from under his own bar. The ensuing flag-kick fell to Bolland, but his toe-poke was blocked and the danger cleared.
Next, McEvilly sent Jardim away down the left channel, he cut inside to beat his man but Bartlett raced from goal to block, while on another break Andy Ferrell blazed ferociously over for the hosts from distance.
Crow was withdrawn on 68 after a hard-working but fruitless afternoon, but his replacement by Beesley was delayed while the fourth official insisted he have his head re-bandaged, resulting in United playing a minute or so with ten men. The U's remained on top but wary of the hosts' capacity to break quickly.
On 76 Jardim, now on the right, twisted and turned to leave his marker thoroughly bewildered before lofting a superb pinpoint cross to the far post where Beesley had ghosted in unmarked. His shot from a tight angle was decent but too close to Bartlett, who blocked with his legs.
Minutes later Beesley was presented with an even better opportunity, beating the offside trap to race clear down the middle, but as Bartlett sped from his line to intercept, Bees' low, over-deliberate shot aimed at the far post was blocked again by the keeper when a little bit of lift would surely have equalled the scores. It looked like being another one of those agonising Aggborough afternoons.
The hosts created another chance on 79, Smikle crossing to Barnes-Homer, but as in the first half, he headed well wide when he might have expected to do better. The U's responded with a McEvilly through ball to Challinor, but he failed to get a shot away and slipped to lose possession at the vital moment.
Last throw of the dice for the visitors came on 83, Ben Farrell replacing Holroyd, and United continued to take the game to their hosts, forcing more corners but unable to win that vital header. Jardim almost conjured up some magic with a marvellous low angled, curling cross that caused Bartlett some panic, but McEvilly, bustling in, was unable to get the vital touch and it spun just wide of the far post.
At least now we had had a proper Cup tie, a strong brew after the weak dishwater of the first half, and Kidderminster were now content to waste time wherever and however they could to run the clock down. Just before the 90 Stefan Moore replaced Barnes-Homer, and the three added minutes could not produce the breakthrough that United's spirited second half had merited. No glamorous Cup run this year.
The nagging feeling remains that this team remains just a tweak or two away from something really rather good, but unfortunately no-one, least of all the manager, seems to know what those tweaks need to be. Perhaps, as these things somehow turn out, he will stumble upon it by accident due to injury or suspension. The alternative, that this really is the best that this team can do, is too depressing to contemplate.
The distant fireworks glimpsed from returning cars and coaches on the way home summed the day up: glamour and excitement visible, but tantalisingly, just out of reach. The bonfire of destiny awaits at Crawley next week. Let us hope it is not yet another one of those Hellish, infernal circles.
Statto Corner
Today was United's fourth consecutive 1-0 defeat at Aggborough, the three previous matches being Conference affairs. The U's drew twice and lost once there in their last three seasons in the Football League, while their only trip to Kiddie prior to that marked their only win, goals from Eddie Robinson and Phil Hayes securing a 2-1 Southern League win on 22nd September 1959.
The last United player to score at Aggborough was the unforgettable Kingsley Mbome, whose last-minute blockbuster gained the U's a 1-1 draw on 2nd October 2004. The only other U's men to notch there are Dave Kitson (two in different games) and Gareth Williams.
Of United's current squad, Dan Gleeson has made most FA Cup appearances for the U's with seven. Although he made his league debut in 2003-04, however, all of those appearances have come in the last two seasons. The only United player making his FA Cup debut for the club today was Lee McEvilly.
John Taylor is United's top FA Cup appearance maker and goalscorer in the post-1970 era, with eleven goals in 30 games, plus six as sub. Runners-up in each category are Alan Kimble (29 matches) and Sir Dion Dublin (ten goals).
Congratulations to former U's schoolboy Jack Collison, who scored his first league goal for West Ham today in their 3-1 defeat by Everton. Another former U scored today in the FA Cup, Leo Fortune-West notching Alfreton Town's second in their 4-2 win over Bury Town. Ex-United youngster Sam Reed played for Bury, but it was his brother Lee who got on the scoresheet for the team from down the A14.
Player Ratings
Potter 7. Just required to make the one brilliant save, and beaten only by an unstoppable penalty.
Gleeson 7. Defensively sound, some room for improvement in distribution going forward.
Bolland 7. Solid at the back and unlucky not to score up the other end.
Hatswell 8. Consistent as ever despite a few boos from fans of his former club.
Tonkin 8. Good defending allied to fine support for the wingers.
Willmott 7. Quiet first half, better in the second with some quality crossing until withdrawn.
Carden 8. The tireless engine room of the side who will be sorely missed next week.
Challinor 6. Came good towards the end, but anonymous for too much of the game today.
Holroyd 6. Worth trying as a winger, but lack of decent service meant he was not particularly effective.
Crow 6. Time for Danny - and United - to decide exactly what his role is in the team. A striker who keeps drifting deep or wide is simply not in a position to carry out his main task: scoring goals. Some decent link-up play at times, nonetheless.
McEvilly 6. Not afforded the greatest supply line, and struggled to build any sort of understanding with Crow.
Jardim 9. Simply outstanding.
Beesley 6. Got into the goalscoring positions that his colleagues could not, but unfortunately could not take the chances that came his way.
Farrell 6. Slotted in competently in the last few minutes.
Match Summary
After a slipshod first half dominated by two contentious penalty decisions, United finally roused themselves with the inspiration of a scintillating Felino Jardim and could count themselves unlucky not to have secured at least a replay after a dominant second half. But at the Theatre of Nightmares, 'twas ever thus...
Man of the Match
Felino Jardim. Announced his arrival with a stunning run and thunderbolt shot which almost broke the post, then went on to terrorise the Harriers defence from all angles with a stream of mazy dribbles and quality crosses. He wouldn't be on the bench if he could do this week-in week-out; his challenge now is to show that he can.
Ref Watch
Tierney 6. Awarded a penalty softer than a puppy festooned with toilet tissue, and was rather too fond of stopping the game for chit-chats with the players and some rather unnecessary free-kicks. And he really should have sent Penn off when he had the chance. Seen worse, though.
Becky's World of Wit and Wisdom
"Success is having the courage to meet failure without being defeated. It is refusing to let present loss interfere with your long range goal. Success is not arriving at the summit of a mountain as a final destination. It is a continuing upward spiral of progress. It is perpetual growth." [Newcastle United, 10/3/92]
Hello... Goodbye
Happy fortieth birthday today to Dean Holdsworth. The former Crazy Gang pivot enjoyed a brief spell at the Abbey in early 2007, scoring once in three games in a 4-1 defeat at Stevenage before moving on to reality TV and the grim reality of managership of Newport County.
Another birthday boy is Omer Riza (1979), spring-heeled former Arsenal trainee who scored 20 goals in 70 games for the U's before moving on to the Turkish League and 'B' international honours. Third celebrant is Richard Walker (1977), who scored four goals in 23 appearances for the U's on loan from Aston Villa back in 1998-99 before going to make his name at Blackpool and Bristol Rovers, amongst others. He is currently on loan at Shrewsbury and endured an unhappy FA Cup first round day today in their 3-1 defeat at Blyth Spartans.
This date also marks the 'second debuts' of two stalwarts in black'n'amber. Alan Biley was United's all-time top League scorer in the 1970s (eventually overtaken by John Taylor) until he was sold to Derby County for £350,000 in January 1980. He went on to play for Everton, Stoke, Portsmouth, Brighton and New York Cosmos until he returned to the Abbey in November 1986. He came on as sub in a 3-1 win over Burnley on the 8th, but only made two further appearances off the bench before he was off again, to New York, Greece, France, Holland and Ireland before winding down his playing career in English non-League.
Second secondary debutant was Dave Simmons. Having been sold to Brentford for £12,000 in March 1974, he returned for £10k less twenty months later and on 8th November 1975 made his comeback for the U's in a 1-0 home defeat by Northampton. He scored five goals in 18 games, to add to his ten in 29 the first time round, before moving on again to Cambridge City, where his hard work and bravery were equally appreciated.
Steve Finney made his last appearance for United on 8th November 1997. He had scored three times in nine games on loan from Swindon, but later went on to play a journeyman's career with Carlisle, Orient, Barrow, Chester and Altrincham.
Soundtrack of the Day
Late of the Pier 'Bathroom Gurgle'
Parky's Pick of the Pops
Andy Parkinson lends an ear to the Aggborough sounds. "All right, lads and lasses? When I was a littl'un back in the Eighties, me older sister was well into all that New Romantic stuff. She dressed like Alice in Wonderland's nightmare and thought it was clever to paint her baby brother's face with all sorts of stupid patterns like those leery wazzocks Steve Strange and Boy George. So imagine my feelings when the strains of Visage's 'Fade To Grey' oozed out of the speakers! I'll be dreaming about ruddy Haysi Fantayzee tonight! Thank God the Bunnymen came along with some proper music, eh!!
"The rest of what I heard was pretty grotty, to be honest, like. Alphabeat, Katy Perry, Estelle, there's no heart in this stuff, is there? And if I never hear Starship again I'll be well chuffed! Never walk alone!" PPP verdict: 1/10
Andrew Bennett
Andrew's previous match reports
More Match Photos
The views expressed on this page are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of Cambridge United Football Club or the webmaster.
