Monday 25th August 2008 - U's 0-2 Kettering: Poppies at the Gates of Yawn
Sometimes you look at a player's name and you just know he is going to be impressive. Sylvan Ebanks-Blake was clearly marked for greatness from the start of his schoolboy days at the Abbey; Dion Dublin's moniker speaks of stunning alliterative power; Paul Wanless is doughtiness personified. By contrast, Igor Latte-Yedo is initially impressive then becomes somehow clumsy and lumbering; Neil Illman and Nathan Lamey are clearly feeble; and Xabier San Miguel Jaureguizar is just plain baffling. The name of Exodus Geohaghon on tonight's Kettering teamsheet grabbed the attention immediately, and sure enough, he turned out to be a veritable giant of a man with twirling locks and a long throw that could stun a hippo. I can't speak for his brothers, Natty Dread, Buffalo Soldier and Iron Lion Zion, though...
Our near-neighbours Kettering Town are not an unfamiliar name due to the regularity with which the clubs play pre-season friendlies, but they were once Southern League rivals back in the 1960s, and were a seemingly permanent fixture in the Conference until their last relegation in 2003, since when they have spent four seasons in Conf North and one in the, er, Isthmian League. But now they are back, with an impressively experienced squad and a decent amount of support, both fan-wise and financial, behind them, after bizarre flirtations with the likes of poor befuddled Gazza.
Kick-off on this Bank Holiday Monday was scheduled for the unfamiliar time of 4.15 thanks to those nice people at Setanta, although it was past 4.20 by the time the ref was finally allowed to blow his whistle. Mustn't get in the way of those ad breaks.
Pundit of the day was some chap called Jimmy Quinn, and he received a warm reception when he ambled slightly sheepishly up to the camera on halfway in front of the Habbin to do his pre-match spiel, waving to the NRE when prompted and laughing off the supporters' ribbing about having television make-up applied by giving the startled girl who was applying it a jokey bear hug. And he deserved that welcome after the splendid job he did at the Abbey, even if he did rather seem to lose his thread after that Wembley defeat.
After United's stroll in the sun on Saturday, Our Gary made only one change, giving Chris Jones his first start in place of Robbie Willmott. Two former U's lined up for the Poppies. Craig Westcarr scored eight goals in 23 games plus eight as sub in 2005-06, but never really convinced the amber hordes that he was worthy of a place in Abbey legend, despite having Naptali as his middle name.
Tommy Jaszczun was altogether more of a favourite, a classy left-back who only appeared in 26(1) matches for the U's before moving to Kettering because he wanted to go part-time. His only goal in black'n'amber was a classic, a last-minute screamer from thirty yards in a 2-1 defeat by Halifax almost exactly two years ago, on 26th August 2006. He also played against United once for Northampton and four times for Blackpool, including 2002's LDV final at the Millennium Stadium.
Of their colleagues, Lee Harper played six times against United for Northampton, most notably as sub when Nathan Abbey was sent off in an LDV match at Sixfields in 2002 which United won 4-2; John Dempster had faced the U's twice for Rushden and once for Oxford, a 3-0 home defeat in October 2006; scary bald man Guy Branston for Wycombe in the LDV, Rotherham and Plymouth way back in 1998; Darren Wrack for Walsall in 2001, coming on as sub with ex-U's loanee Darren Byfield; Gareth Seddon scored the winner for Bury on the third time he played against United in a 1-0 Gigg Lane defeat on Valentine's Day 2004; and sub Chris Beardsley had faced United for four different clubs, Mansfield, Kidderminster, Rushden and York.
Kettering lined up in a curious strip that made them look like medieval Crusaders, all white with a red St George's style cross on the front. Inter Milan wore a similar strip last season to celebrate their centenary, such a cross being the symbol of their city, and when they played Fenerbahce at the San Siro a Turkish lawyer named Baris Kaska lodged a complaint in his local court because he considered it 'offensive to Muslim sensitivities.'
"That cross only brings one thing to mind: the symbol of the Templar Knights," he said. "It made me think immediately of the bloody days of the past. While I was watching the game I felt profound grief in my soul." Funny, I've had a similar feeling after losing to Histon...
Sadly there was no Blue Square papier mache hoop for the players to burst through this season - a sad loss indeed - as they finally emerged on a warm, muggy August afternoon in front of a respectable crowd of almost 3,500.
It did not take long for Kettering's game plan to manifest itself. They played a high-energy pressing game, not allowing any United player time on the ball, and they put two players on wingers Jones and Felino Jardim to stifle any supply along the flanks. Their own attacking play relied heavily on long balls over the top and on set pieces, with the massive Geohaghon ambling up to take every throw-in in the United half so as to bombard the home penalty area with his long, long throw. It was all very reminiscent of our friends from beside the A14.
And like them, it was very effective, as United, unused to such attentions, were caught in possession time after time and as a result began to misplace passes in their rush to move the ball on before another crunching challenge arrived. In fact their passing was very poor indeed, and as a result, the stop-start proceedings bore more of the rhythm and feel of a gridiron match than God's own game. 'Bore' indeed.
There was nothing wrong with Kettering's tactics, of course, as long as they stayed within the laws, even if it did not make for a particularly enjoyable spectacle, and it was up to the U's players to find a solution.
Westcarr got onto the end of a Jaszczun throw on 5 but Danny Potter claimed comfortably, but there was a lack of quality from both teams in the final third as both sets of players overhit their passes with monotonous regularity. United at last gave keeper Harper something to think about on 13 when Jardim lofted a free-kick almost under the bar, but he claimed at the second attempt under pressure from Lee McEvilly.
The low quality crosses continued, with Jardim a surprisingly regular culprit, while Jones struggled to get into the game at all, but Kettering were no more convincing than United going forward and it was easy to see how the visitors had drawn all four of their BSP matches so far, in between yawns.
McEvilly and Poppies captain Branston were like two peas in a pod, broad and bald like Sontarans (Dr Who reference, non-nerds) and just as warlike, and Branston was lucky to avoid a booking when he felled Big Mac on 24 in full flow. Peterborough loanee Alfie Potter shot straight at his namesake after a slalom run a minute later, then McEvilly was denied a shooting chance by Geohaghon. Jardim's ensuing corner reached Wayne Hatswell on the edge of the box but it fell slightly behind him and his acrobatic attempt at a volley was always doomed to soar wildly into the great amber yonder.
And so proceedings ground on, Kettering chasing, harrying and diving into challenges which should have given ref Creighton more cause for concern than he was demonstrating, while United still seemed to have no way of shaking them off, the wingers marginalised and the central midfield producing nothing of note except a string of inaccurate passes that left the front two starved of any sort of decent service. How they were missing the cool head and unerring feet of Paul Carden. Their only comfort was that the visitors' supply line was equally as poor.
One could sense the Setanta producer wondering how on Earth they were going to serve up any sort of 'highlights' of this turgid stuff at half-time. So, tell us again how you got Shrewsbury promoted, Jimmy...
The ref finally lost patience on 35 when Jon Challinor was crudely clattered from behind by Andre Boucard, showing him yellow, but Mark Beesley joined him in the book for a silly and unnecessary reaction to Boucard's foul. From the resultant free-kick Jardim crossed for Challinor's head but his nod was easily dealt with by Harper. Ooh! An attempt at goal! Rewind it, slow it down, how many angles have we got?!
Five minutes later an Owain Warlow cross found Seddon lurking at the far post, and Hatswell did very well to lunge and block his header at the expense of a corner, while United continued to huff and puff like eleven small, slightly asthmatic wolves. The half-time whistle came as a relief; Our Gary could now have time to instruct his charges on how to throw off the visitors' suffocating duvet of doom. For Kettering, it was so far, job done.
The interval heralded this year's Blue Square challenge. Our very own secretary, Wayne Purser, strode out in full footballing gear and was faced with a large open blue box plonked on the centre spot and a series of footballs placed all around the centre circle; his task was to see how many of those balls he could lob into the box. Any claims that Wayne had to having been a decent non-League player in his day were soon made to look rather than less than convincing; we shall try not to embarrass him by stating the exact number he scored, but let's just say it was less than one...
Part two resumed after what seemed like an interminably long wait, and there was no change immediately apparent until five minutes in, a fluke altered the course of the whole game. Potter fed Westcarr to progress into a vast expanse of space down the United left, Anthony Tonkin finding himself in the centre-back position for some reason, and with Hatswell coming out to meet him, the ex-United striker miscued his attempted cross so that it soared over Danny Potter and dropped unerringly, as these miskicks seem to do, into the far corner of the net. Jammie dodger: 1-0.
United tried to respond but their collective touch still deserted them. Another striker, Jean-Paul Marna, replaced Warlow on 56, and Kettering's set piece assault continued on 58 as a Westcarr corner eventually fell to Branston ten yards out, but he smashed his shot a few feet over the top.
Hatswell was then harshly penalised for a foul on Marna, picking up a booking for his protests from a ref who seemed to regard backchat as a more serious offence than hacking someone down, and Westcarr's free-kick skimmed the top of the bar.
Jones had tried his hardest but had been unable to make any impression on his tighter-than-tight markers and was withdrawn on the hour in favour of Robbie Willmott, while the visitors swapped strikers on 62 in introducing Chris Beardsley for Seddon.
Willmott drew a foul from Boucard on 65 in the right channel a few yards outside the box and Hatswell drove it in low; it deflected off Jaszczun and fell to Phil Bolland twelve yards out, but he concentrated so hard on controlling his shot and keeping it down that he forgot to get any pace on it and it trundled into Harper's grateful arms.
Chris Holroyd then replaced Beesley as the U's desperately tried shuffling the pack, but all their plans were shot down in flames a minute later. Ben Farrell gave chase to a loose ball, met Westcarr coming the other way, the Poppies man went down and - to everyone's astonishment - the ref waved a straight red with indecent haste. It was debatable whether it was even a foul, but an automatic dismissal just took the proverbial Hob Nob.
While Westcarr received treatment, Willmott also found his way into the ref's book for dissent, and United regrouped into a 4-3-2 formation, given that their only remaining bench options were two centre-backs and a goalkeeper. This squad is beginning to look more threadbare than Stevenage's defence.
Feelings were running high and the ref did not help himself by failing to punish Alfie Potter for a dangerously high 'challenge' on Jardim. United, struggling to maintain their discipline, were then almost found out by a through ball by Marna that sent Boucard through, but Danny Potter stood tall and blocked superbly with his legs. Potter (A) finally received the booking he deserved on 75 for a cynical assault on the lively Holroyd as he threatened to sprint through, while that heinous crime of dissent after another poor refereeing decision cost Dan Gleeson a booking on 79.
More wayward passing cost United a second goal on 81. Bolland's ball to Jardim in midfield caused him to be dispossessed as he chased after it, Kettering broke swiftly down the left through Marna, he beat Hatswell to cross from the byline and there was Beardsley, getting to the ball just before Tonkin to prod home from close range. 2-0.
Kettering played keep-ball as much as they could, but it was not really necessary as United's lack of quality in the final third remained their bugbear. Jardim's corners were all aimed towards the back of the box, but United signally failed to make anything of any of them and one wondered just what they were trying to achieve; perhaps some variety, whipping a pacy inswinger under the bar, might percentage-wise have yielded better results.
Whatever, five added minutes passed with no real threat, Luke Graham a pointless sub for Boucard just before the end, and United's 100% run had ended, as had their reign at the top of the table, knocked off by Salisbury of all people.
Yes, Kettering had been thoroughly unpleasant and cynical and killed the game stone dead as a spectacle. But that had been their game plan, and it had worked a treat, so all due credit to them. It had been United's responsibility to find a way to counteract it, and they had utterly failed so could blame no-one but themselves, poor referee notwithstanding. No-one out on the pitch had taken charge, no-one had showed the extra invention and creativity that was needed, no-one in fact had played especially well. And if a newly promoted side can negate United's attacking threat so comfortably, Our Gary need a Plan B. And a Plan C. And a Plan D.
Defeat is no disgrace, but failing to learn from it would be. The squad desperately needs Carden to regain fitness by the weekend. Otherwise, our new management team has its first real challenge of the season...
Statto Corner
Abbey United first crossed swords with Kettering Town Reserves in the United Counties League between 1947 and 1951, before Abbey changed their name to Cambridge United and moved across to the Eastern Counties League. Their first teams' initial meeting was fifty years ago today on 25th August 1958 in the Southern League Inter-Zone competition, Kettering winning 1-0 at Rockingham Road, and over the next ten years the clubs were regular rivals in the league, Southern League Cup, FA Cup, Eastern Professional Floodlight League and Midland Floodlight League. As you may gather, floodlights were such a new-fangled novelty in the 1960s that whole competitions were named after them!
Since United escaped to the Football League, the clubs have met in the pre-season Shipp Cup of 1975 (a 4-4 draw at Kettering), Graham 'brother of Ron' Atkinson's testimonial a year later, and in a series of seven friendlies between 1984 and 2005, the most recent of which resulted in a 2-1 away win for the U's thanks to goals by Stephen Smith and Fola Onibuje.
Today saw the sixth highest attendance in the history of meetings between the two clubs. Largest crowd was the 6,390 which packed the Abbey on 3rd May 1969, the last day of the league season; United were top on goal average from Hillingdon Borough and needed to win to ensure their first Southern League title. A Tony Butcher hat-trick clinched a 3-0 win over ninth-placed Kettering and a league and cup double for the U's as Hillingdon could only draw their last game. Butcher's stay at the Abbey was brief but remarkable: he scored 18 goals in 13 league games and 11 goals in 11 FA Cup matches.
Player Ratings
Potter 6. Could do nothing about the first fluke goal, will probably be a little disappointed about the second.
Gleeson 5. Fairly average defensively, but his distribution left an awful lot to be desired.
Tonkin 6. Resoundingly not bad.
Hatswell 7. Best of a mediocre bunch.
Bolland 6. Kept his form reasonably well.
Jones 5. No doubting his potential, but could not cope with Kettering's blanket cover today.
Farrell 5. Sub-standard, although unlucky to be dismissed by a trigger-happy ref.
Challinor 6. OK but no more.
Jardim 6. Starved of service for much of the game and only looked dangerous occasionally. Set piece delivery was disappointing.
Beesley 6. Worked hard to no avail.
McEvilly 5. A match to forget, and won almost nothing in the air all afternoon.
Willmott 6. Showed some lively flashes.
Holroyd 6. Like the look of this one, but he could not be expected to lift a slumping team single-handed.
Match Summary
United were well and truly done in every sense of the word by a smothering, scuffling, scrapping Kettering team and an out-of-his-depth referee, but ultimately by themselves as they allowed the opposition to harry them to defeat with no coherent answer to any of the questions they were asked. A lesson taught and, hopefully, a lesson learned.
Man of the Match
Wayne Hatswell. United's most consistent player this season came the nearest to maintaining his high standard, unlike too many of his underachieving colleagues.
Ref Watch
Creighton 3. Strong physical sides like Kettering need a firm hand to keep them on the right side of the law and Mr Creighton did not do enough to deter their early roughhouse tactics, resulting in the disciplineless free-for-all that the second half became. And his red card for Farrell was hysterical, premature and just plain wrong.
Becky's World of Wit and Wisdom
"There is no such thing as failure, only learning." [Charlton Athletic, 18/8/92]
Hello... Goodbye
Happy birthday today to Michael Rodosthenous (1976), one of the longest names to grace the black'n'amber, and also one of the briefest in that he only played twice for the first team, and then as sub. The former West Brom midfielder came off the bench twice in the first half of the 1997-98 season and United lost both matches 3-2; he subsequently played for Enfield, Stranraer and Adelaide Olympic amongst others.
Today was a debut day for three Seventies stalwarts, and all in the same match: midfield men Mike Ferguson and Dave Lennard and right-back John O'Donnell all made their first United appearances against Southport at the Abbey on 25th August 1973, O'Donnell adding a second goal to Bobby Ross' opener to steer the U's to a 2-0 win in their first-ever match in Division Three.
Soundtrack of the Day
Cold War Kids 'Something Is Not Right With Me'
Andrew Bennett
Andrew's previous match reports
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