Saturday 28th April 2007 - U's 1-0 Tamworth: Happy ever after

Another tumultuous season has come to an end. And that can mean only one thing - the 2006-07 Alternative CUFC Awards!

The Dave Kitson Memorial Ginger Wig & Factor 60 Sunblock for Lanky Target Man/Goal Machine of the Year goes to Robbie Simpson.
The Roadrunner Acme Go-Faster Stripes & Rear Spoiler for Fastest Thing on Two Legs go to Charles Ademeno.
The Peters & Lee 'Runs Like A Girl, Referees Like A Short-Sighted Mole' Commemorative White Stick for Worst Referee of the Season: John Hopkins.
The 'Men Behaving Badly' Engraved Tankard & Comedy Apron With A Bikini On for Rudest Bloke Who's Not All Bad, Really: Paul Crichton.
The Old Blue Eyes Supercool Trilby and Cane for Comeback of the Year: Daniel Chillingworth.
The Cristiano Ronaldo 'I'm Gorgeous, Me' Male Grooming Set for Cute Flick & Dazzling Score go to Liam Marum for his brilliant goal against Altrincham.
The Jim Reynolds 'Rock King' Steady As She Goes Stick of Rock for Most Reliable Ever-Present of the Year: Michael Morrison.
The Jubba The Hutt Memorial Blob of Goo for Thing That Least Resembles A Footballer: Trevor Robinson.
The Michael Aspel Antiques Roadshow Vintage Snuff Box for Quaintest Attempt at a Football Ground goes to St Albans City.
The Swiss Army Diamond-Encrusted Bazooka for Most Thunderous Goal of the Season goes to Tommy Jaszczun for his last-minute blockbuster against Halifax Town.
The Sir Alan Sugar 'You're Fired!' Commemorative L-Plate for Least Successful Loanee: James Meredith.
The Corporal Jones 'Don't Panic!' Soiled Flak Jacket for Most Unlucky Goalkeeper: Shane Herbert.
The Ma Walton 'There's No Place Like Home' Framed Postcard of Cleethorpes: Matt Bloomer.
The Billy Smart 'Roll Up! Roll Up!' Ringmaster's Red Coat & Whip go to Will Jones and Mark Saywell for the outstanding South Stand Initiative.
The Mick Hucknall 'Holding Back The Years' Gold Record & Walking Frame for Comeback of the Year (Off-Field Division): Chris Turner.
The Fred Dinenage 'How?!' Presentation Leek Arrangement for Least Likely International Appearance goes to Wales' Jermaine Easter.
The Freddy Krueger Memorial 'House Of Pain' Plaque for Most Nightmarish Venue of the Season goes to the Glass World Stadium, Impington.
The Mount Snowdon 'Hewn From Rock' Commemorative Statue Pointing Into The Distance for Strong Leadership: Mark Peters.
The Father Christmas 'Ho! Ho! Ho!' Gift-Wrapped Selection Box for Most Generous Opposition goes to Woking, Aldershot and Tamworth. Thanks for the six points, lads.
The Peter Pan Twinkle-Toe Boots for Most Skilful Player: Courtney Pitt.
The Sir Jimmy Savile 'Goodness Gracious' Cigar, Tracksuit and Gold Chain Gift Box for Most Golden Oldie: Dean Holdsworth.
The George Michael Memorial Shuttlecock for Most Promising Young Guns Going For It: Stephen Smith and Josh Simpson.
The Amnesiac Association Award (sorry, they've forgotten where they left it) for Least Memorable Player: Dave Lawrence.
The Sir Stanley Matthews 'Wizard of Dribble' Baggy Shorts & Bib go to Danny Brown for his spectacular mazy run and goal against Woking.
The Iain Dowie 'Bouncebackability' Commemorative Yo-Yo: Dan Gleeson.
The Charlie From Casualty Autographed Leg Plaster for Most Injury-Prone Player: Dean Hooper.
The Ron Jeremy Twelve-Inch Ruler for Hardest Tackle: Christian Smith.
The Charlie Cairoli Red Noise, Revolving Bowtie & Squirting Flower Combo for Silliest Sending-Off goes to Danny Carey-Bertram for his midriff headbutt at St Albans.
The Chippendale 'Old Faithful' Part of the Furniture Rocking Chair for Long Service: Andy Duncan.
The Frank Spencer Commemorative Beret and Raincoat for Most Unlucky Player: Ritchie Hanlon.
The Steve Irwin Memorial Safari Jacket & Shorts for Most Up-and-at-'Em Attitude: Jon Brady.
The John Motson 'Oh I Say!' Presentation Sheepskin & Microphone for Best Visiting Player go to Michael Twiss of Morecambe.
The Charles Atlas 'Before & After' Chest Expander for Most Improved Player: Rob Wolleaston.
The Lazslo Rubik Silver Cube for Most Baffling Success Story of the Year goes to Oxford's Robert Duffy.
The Arnold Schwarzenegger & Danny DeVito Cool Ray-Bans for Most Unlikely Shared Name go to Wayne Purser and Wayne Purser.
The Oasis Matching Kagoul and Baggy Jeans Combo for Brotherly Love: Aidan & Jordan Collins.
The Black Lace 'Let's All Have A Disco' Away Day of the Year was the magnificient U's supporters' party on the terraces at Aldershot.
The 'Invincibles' Superhero Oscar for Stretchiest Pockets and Saving The World (well, the U's): Paul Barry, Adrian Hanauer & Johnny Hon.
The Steven Spielberg Blockbuster DVD Of The Century is 'The Magnificent Seven' footage of the Weymouth and Tamworth games. Compulsive viewing.
The Ben Fogle Commemorative Life Raft & Rubber Duck for Survivor of the Season goes to... Jimmy Quinn!

The last game of the season is always a memorable affair, whether the occasion serves as a celebration of the term's achievements, thankfulness that the anticipated worst did not transpire, or just plain relief that another year of underachievement is over. And, much like New Year's Eve, it can be a fairly emotional day as we remember past glories and shames, bid farewell to some familiar faces, and look forward to that bright new dawn that always seems to promise just around the corner.

Unlike in the previous couple of years, today brought proper end-of-season weather, a cheery sun beaming down from a clear Cambridge blue sky as the outstandingly successful South Stand Initiative helped boost the crowd to an impressive 6,021, over 2,000 more than the season's previous high and best Abbey attendance since 6,715 came to see the relegation-doomed U's sink to defeat against Southend on 28th March 2005.

Before the match on the pitch, the end-of-season awards turned into the Robbie Simpson Show as United's talisman goal-grabber picked up thoroughly deserved gongs from this website, the Supporters Club, local radio and newspaper as well as website goal of the season for his blaster at Northwich in the game which kick-started United's late run to safety. Michael Morrison picked up Young Player of the Year and it is sometimes easy to forget that this most dependable defender, his team's only ever-present in the league, is still only a teenager.

The carnival mood was, however, still tinged with a hint of nervousness with United by no means safe from the spectre of the dreaded 'R' word. That's relegation, by the way, not ridicule (that's Peterborough) or rigor mortis (that's Boston). It probably needed a consultation from Carol Vorderman to explain all the possible permutations from the last day's fixtures, but one thing was certain: V for victory, and we were safe. Consonant, please, Carol.

Opponents Tamworth were condemned to demotion on Tuesday by results elsewhere after a gallant late surge from the bottom of the table, although this season has really been something of a bonus for a club which was only saved from relegation last term by Canvey Island and Scarborough's off-field troubles. They still brought a decent away following, determined to enjoy a final fling before the harsh reality of visiting Barrow and Blyth next season sinks in, not to mention trying to work out where the hell Burscough and Vauxhall Motors are.

Only one enforced change was made to the United team which triumphed so memorably at Aldershot last week, Stephen Smith's injury affording a rare start to Darren Quinton on his 21st birthday. Supersub Charles Ademeno had been recalled by Southend to sit on the bench for their home game with Luton, eventually getting on with eight minutes to go in a dismal defeat that condemned the Shrimpers to an immediate return to League One (or to give it its proper name, Division Three).

An already electric atmosphere was heightened by a minute's applause for the late, great Alan Ball, and how much more uplifting and celebratory of a life is that way of showing appreciation than a gloomy minute's silence.

United started well, in the pleasing attacking pass-and-move style which they have displayed in their recent excellent run of four wins in six games, forcing the first corner inside a couple of minutes.

Quinton demonstrated his impressive passing skills on 5 with an exquisite diagonal ball from his own half to send Courtney Pitt galloping down the left wing, his eventual cross leading to an aerial clash between Simpson and Spanish keeper Jose Veiga for which the United forward was harshly penalised by eccentric ref Cook.

Rob Wolleaston flashed a shot wide a minute later while Tamworth danger man Taiwo Atieno responded with an effort of which Jonny Wilkinson would have been proud as it sailed over the bar like an untied balloon. His colleague Daryl Taylor was similarly inaccurate on 15, and a minute later John McGrath's free-kick was nodded over by Atieno to remind United that their opponents were not going to just lie down and present them with the points they required.

United were generally on top, however, Quinton making a good impression with a busy and combative display with the comfort of knowing that his fellow four midfield men were providing the most solid of bases from which to work. The front men were as industrious as ever in the heat, and Simpson almost caught Veiga out on 18 when he charged down the keeper's lame attempt at a clearance but it cannoned off his legs and was scrambled behind for a corner. The ensuing flag-kick was headed over by Andy Duncan wit the goal at his mercy; no comforting early goal to soothe Cantabrigian nerves. Well you didn't think we'd do this the easy way, did you?

Dan Chillingworth, busy as a bee in a field of flowers, fired low from the edge of the area on 21 but his underpowered shot was comfortably collected by Veiga. A minute later came the best move of the match, a series of superb one-touch passes from the centre circle to the box setting up Simpson to round his marker then scuff disappointingly wide with the goal at his mercy less than ten yards out.

The hosts continued to probe patiently as they did at Aldershot. Pitt, a constant danger down the left, had a powerful shot blocked by Simon Weaver on 27, and two minutes later United had a compelling shout for a penalty turned down when Chillingworth appeared to be jumped on and flattened by Rikki Bains as he cleared a Pitt cross. Quinton's follow-up shot was gathered by Veiga.

Simpson was felled by Michael Briscoe on 32 but Pitt floated his free-kick over the wall and over the bar like a dandelion seed in the breeze. A few minutes later Pitt fired a ferocious cross-shot goalward that Chillingworth attempted to divert with a diving header that somehow turned into a clearance, for which one hopes the Lambs were suitable grateful.

United remained patient, although the sapping heat must also have been a contributory factor as the action flagged a little, only enlivened to the unpredictability of the man in black whose decisions were sometimes more baffling than Saturday night television's obsession with karaoke versions of crappy Seventies musicals. Grease is not the word.

Wolleaston set up Danny Brown for a blaster on 41 which fizzed past the upright, and the U's staged a reinvigorated assault on the Tamworth goal as half-time loomed large. Wolleaston arrowed over a corner, met with a header by Duncan which was soaring just under the bar until tipped acrobatically over by Veiga.

Simpson had the last word, blazing an ambitious long-ranger over the top, and the interval arrived with United's territorial dominance unrewarded by that all-important goal. Other games were going United's way, however, and so little had Tamworth offered that the amber hordes' nerves remained relatively unjangled. As Gordon Brown must be so fond of saying, it could only be a matter of time.

Both teams resumed unchanged and United carried on where they had left off, this time attacking a boisterous Corona End. Within a minute Chilli had crossed for Wolleaston to poke a chance goalward on the turn, blocked behind by Briscoe, and the resultant corner found Mark Peters who tested Veiga with a snatched shot. Two minutes later Pitt marauded down the left and flashed over the cross of the day from deep, a fantastic diagonal effort that bisected the Tamworth defence and keeper but could find no-one taking the proverbial gamble for United, Wolleaston lunging too late to turn it in as it whizzed past the far post like a spooked weasel.

Simpson was unluckily penalised for a foul in challenging Veiga for a high cross on 51, but Veiga pushed his luck with some inordinate moaning to the ref which culminated in a booking for his trouble. United continued to press, roared on by a lively support, penning the Lambs in ready for a shearing.

The pressure finally told just before the hour. Wolleaston had a shot deflected across the area and it bounced high into the air. Dan Gleeson leaped to meet it and Veiga panicked, rushing from goal and, arriving too late, flattening the United wing-back just after he headed it with a quite horrendous 'challenge'.

Both players remained down for treatment, but Veiga could not avoid the inevitable: a penalty and a second yellow card.

Tamworth had no reserve keeper on the bench so Briscoe was pressed into action between the sticks. It was left to who else, Simpson, to step up and stroke coolly home, sending Briscoe the wrong way and heralding wild celebrations all around the ground. 1-0!

Now surely United could only beat themselves. The visitors responded spiritedly with a Simon Heslop shot wide on 62, then made a double substitution, replacing David Bampton and Michael Tuohy with Jake Edwards and Emmet Friars, the latter donning a grey No.1 jersey to take over from Briscoe as their third goalie of the day.

United pressed for a second, but against ten men they seemed to want to over-elaborate and score the 'perfect' goal. Simpson shot over on 66, Gleeson wide on 68, and Simpson tried a long-ranger on 70 which Friars did well to clutch safely to his midriff. But overall the U's were all build-up without testing the stand-in glovesman.

Matt Williams became the visitors' final sub in place of Taylor and Weaver became their second bookee on 71 for an unsubtle felling of Simpson. Then United broke from a Tamworth corner and sent Simpson clear on the right, but his cross towards Chillingworth was insufficiently accurate and the danger was averted.

With nothing left to lose Tamworth actually became more adventurous and their best chance came on 75, Atieno shrugging off the attentions of Peters and Duncan to run from halfway and finally blast narrowly over when he might have done better. Phew.

David Bridges replaced Brown a minute later, the inspirational anchor man receiving a deserved ovation, and Gleeson almost set up Bridgo for a goal with his first touch with a low cross which was headed for his right foot until deflected away from him by team-mate Chilli. Pitt had a shot blocked by Briscoe on 81 then Simpson cut inside and hammered a shot that was screaming into the top corner like a rabbit shot from a cannon until it bowled that man Briscoe over as he blocked with his chest.

Still United pushed for the clincher, but for all their build-up play, they just could not carve out a clear-cut chance. Chilli took his own well-deserved ovation when replaced two minutes from time by Wayne Purser and the sub was almost on the receiving end of a low Gleeson cross but swung and missed completely. As the three added minutes wound down, Pitt had another shot blocked by Bains, then the little wing wizard's corner was nodded over by Peters.

Then, at long, long, last, it was all over, game and season. The players took a well-deserved round of applause for their late run of form which has clinched the club's Conference future, and they returned the acclaim to the best set of supporters in this whole darned league. As it turned out, only Halifax of United's rivals managed a win and they finished in a relatively comfortable 17th place in the table, Altrincham doomed by their failure to score at home to Aldershot.

After a brief break, the squad re-emerged for the traditional lap of honour. One could argue that 17th place in the Conference was not much to celebrate, but cast your mind back to a season's start of one draw and six defeats in the first seven games, to the horror of Histon, the ensuing six-game losing run, the despair of Rushden and the back-to-back 5-0s against Altrincham and York. In a season of multiple downs and a mere smattering of ups, safety and survival are real causes for celebration. But we shall not set our sights so low next season. The only way must be up. No more false dawns. We deserve nothing less!

Player Ratings
Crichton 7. Did what little he had to do with the minimum of fuss.
Gleeson 7. Vital cog has played a significant part in the United survival run.
Duncan 7. The old warhorse let nobody down.
Peters 8. Sheer class as usual.
Morrison 8. Only ever-present this season at the age of 19 can be proud of his contribution.
Pitt 8. Battled on despite being clearly exhausted and not fully fit, proof that quality will out.
Wolleaston 8. Another busy and industrious workout.
Brown 8. All-important hub of the team.
Quinton 8. Rare and impressive runout from the birthday boy.
Chillingworth 8. Covered the proverbial every blade of grass.
Simpson 8. Entirely fitting that this season's best and most important player decided the match.

Bridges 7. Lively sub and might have scored with his first touch.
Purser 6. Air shot unfortunately typified his spell at the Abbey. Hope he gets another chance next season.

Match Summary
Stylish United finished their campaign off with a fifth win in seven games that was more comfortable than the scoreline suggests and left their fantastic supporters with renewed hope for next season. Don't let that hope be misplaced, boys.

Man of the Match
Darren Quinton. Seized his opportunity with both hands with an all-action display of energetic running, accurate passing and (gasp) some fine tackling too.

Ref Watch
Cook 5. It's Random Ref! Baffled both sets of players and supporters with a series of peculiar and inexplicable free-kick decisions, most of which shouldn't have been made at all. Strange man.

Soundtrack of the Season
REM's "The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"

Andrew Bennett

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